I need to get this off my chest,
 

This is going to be one of the hardest post I've made. But I need to talk to someone who will understand, and not just always tell me I need to leave.
Even if that is what I should have done many years ago. It's really not
something I can do at this point. But its somehing I am working to be
less dependant from now on.


This goes back to the beginning I would imagine of my marriage. Many say that I have been emotionally battered. And they are probably right, even though he has no clue that he is doing it. His family his just like this.
Its gotten better as time has gone on. But if I ever get to independent then
I might as well get ready for more mental put downs, and being told I am not
going to be anything. Which is the way my life has always been, so it might be that I feel that from my childhood.

The thing is that I went to college after we married to get a degree in computer programming at IVY TEch, and I loved that. I also was given much of the if the kids are sick you stay home. You deal with all the problems, your not doing anything. I'm making money or just going to school.
Even though the last 2 years I worked in a work study in the registrar's office,
and then in the Financial Aid office and made many houre of need for work at times. So he still didn't think I had a job, I just dabbled at play, I was after a job. So I could get insurance so he could decide what he wanted to do.

Anyway, the real thing and problem, is that he has never found his place.
He has been unhappy, neediy, needing someone other than his wife to talk to.
So much so that he was either on the phone, or not at phone till bedtime,
then I got no conversation.

I learned the hard way about the times he needed women's company just to talk, that of course turned to other. And it was always it seemed either
one of my friends or one of his tenants.

So I always seemed to get the left overs, it took many years of a naive wife
not having a idea. Before I thought I had a hold on things.

Just to find out recently he was helping a friend of mine move. And decided he wanted more. So he is at it again, But of course once again its my fault
I wont talk to him. I wont cuddle with him. I just wont do what he wants.

GOsh I finally gave it all to him, and even asked who died made him, god,
the king of the universe, and the owner of the way I should feel when he
is on the phone all the time when he is home, or always out doing the rental houses, can't even remember he promised to take me to dinner, gets mad
because I need a driver for two surgeries, and then tells me that his money
and job is more important that my life or surgery so to find someone else.

I won that one, he takes me to my surgeries now, and even though he
likes to tell me he has a girlfriend, he has been warned that better not
be true. She better not be more than a friend that is a girl that needs
help with things, and I'm there too.


I'm tired of being the one that he forgets is his wife. If he wants one to
truely have that he thinks he loves, then its time he remember how to
treat me. I hope I don't make anyone think I'm a whining idiot.

I just needed to put this out, because at times I really need to talk about
it. Because my son who knows is so upset, he just jumps out of his skin.
And I don't have a clue if the other son knows. I had to go to the trouble
of telling Derrick, because when we all seemed to be at Indiana BEach.

I can't stop them from showing up at a public place, he was a idiot and
was not only holding her hand, but in front of some of my grandkids, kissed
her.

I was in charge of the day, and had responsibilities, so I wasn't surprised he
was off with a group, he was supposed to be. So that Derrick especially
could still ride.

So now its considered the old fool is going through his mid life crisis.
Thinking he can't get old, and you girls will keep him young.

He has been warned, this older lady has no wish to be second or to
hear about anymore women.

So thats my story and one reason I have been quiet. And by the
way my surgery went very well, as the weeks go by to the next
surgery I'll update as to if I was lucky to keep pain down, or if
it gets really bac too.

Donna

P. S. Please dont tell me to leave him, or things like that.
I still love him, like the day I married him 28 years ago.
I just needed to share my feelings, with someone that understands.

whatever your decision is I am behind you a 100 per cent\
bobby

Sorry DMom. Men can behave so stupidly.

My good friend finally divorced b/c he had a girlfriend (several, actually). He married the girlfriend, then came to his ex looking for sex. Go figure! The guy just had to be untrue or it wasn't a good time for him, I guess. :mad:

Good luck to you. I hope you can achieve your goal/desire to become independent. :hug:




Men: can't live with 'em. Can't shoot 'em. :p

I lived through the hell you describe for almost 30 years (stayed because I did not want to lose my kids) and it stopped when I gave him a taste of his own medicine and he has been true blue ever since! I do know how you feel and would not ever want to relive it! I hope for your sake you find a way to live through it with as little pain as possible!

please know that I am wishing you the best. From someone who has been verbally abused for most of my life (even as a child) I feel for you. NO ONE deserves the disrespect that you are getting. Would you like me to come and kick his disrespectful little behind? (I don't know maybe his behind is as big as his mouth), either way I will kick it out of oblivion for you...

sending hugs :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Dear Donna,
That is good news about the surgery.

It sounds like you are teaching him how you want to be treated and you have decided that you want to be treated better. I hope that he is paying attention.


Here's a youtube clip. The stuff about relationships starts on minute 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d785B_y0WSo
Ask Victoria: We Teach People How To Treat Us


Keep talking here to us.
Mari

Dear Donna,
It saddens me to hear that you are being mistreated....
and that you have dealing with this for such a long time.
Becoming more independant will help your self esteem.
Have you ever taken a self defense class?
I have heard that can be empowering.
Glad that you have your kids to love and get love returned...that must be awful to not receive love and attention from your husband.
Have you ever gone to marriage counseling? You could use this as a leverage.
Do you have a therapist to talk to?
Thank you for sharing this with us.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Gosh Donna~ Sure wish I could offer something helpful, but all I can think of is to say that I'm glad you are coming here to vent your frustration w/what is going on w/DH.

I hope you can gain some perspective from posting here and please come back and vent as much as you need to. You deserve to be treated w/respect, so hope your DH wakes up soon. take care of yourself, Donna.

Sending :hug::hug::hug::hug:

Donna,
I just hope that you start to think of yourself. Do something everyday for yourself. Also, it may not hurt if you leave papers about Alimony from off the Internet, and spousal allienation, woman that are in controling relationships, pamphlets about emoptional abuse.....Then too I would find friends to be busy with. Or make it seem you have a life, not adultry but a life outside the home filled with abuse.

A dose of his own emotional dumping except in your way it is dropping hints of what is to come.

HE is not going to change, you have to. Put yourself on the pedestial and take control of doing things to make yourelf happy and think of him as a room mate for now,
Hope that you feel better
di

Donna,

My ex started out just like that. May I suggest that you see a therapist with your county or city that specializes in abuse? There are usually suppport groups with woman in the very same shoes as you. Either one or both can be very helpful. I wish you the best.

befuddled2

Riding it Out
 

You mentioned a bunch of stuff that you certainly didn't deserve experiencing.

It sounds like, and I think it's something all of us have in common, that when we were young, the people raising us, perhaps, imparted some kind of distorted, disproportional, and irrational self-perception upon us. Like they thought that what they taught us, was "freedom" or whatever. And that it would help us overpower people who held us back from what we wanted if we disregarded other people's feelings. But really, the product of some of that "independent" thinking only serves to obliterate those nearest to us.

Of course you depend on him, after 28 years, so does he is on you. But it seems like there is a mechanism in place in the relationship, which, perhaps you think is for safety, but has somehow become dysfunctional. Like a safety belt that's always to tight, or an emergency brake that won't disengage.

I'm not suggesting that "cheating" is okay.

But sometimes, maybe you have to let the dog off the leash only to realize the only thing he's gonna do is hump someone's leg.

There is no more vulnerable position to be in, than when you're sick. I love my wife, and we've done tons of great things together, but when either of us are sick, I hate to admit it, we always fail the other person. I don't know why, it's like we're suddenly reduced to behaving like small children. We know that we'll have to do it better next time, but when it's happening it's pretty difficult to fill the roles we've been dealt.

-BPB

So thats my story and one reason I have been quiet. And by the
way my surgery went very well, as the weeks go by to the next
surgery I'll update as to if I was lucky to keep pain down, or if
it gets really bac too.

Donna

P. S. Please dont tell me to leave him, or things like that.
I still love him, like the day I married him 28 years ago.
I just needed to share my feelings, with someone that understands.[/QUOTE]

Thank you all.

I have been busy, and tired. Seems the surgery took a lot out of me.
So its been lots less computer.

I am dealing with this, and all else I'm given, its the only thing I can do.
And I really appreciate all the good thoughts.

I had a ultrasound today, gosh it just continues.

Donna

Donna,
You are very brave to post about this. :hug:
M

Mari

I may seem very brave to post about it. But it was tearing me up.
And I really have no one that isn't biased to talk to about it.

So I really needed to get it out. I know that I can trust the people
on the site to give me good advice, and to do just what they
did in this thread.

Listen and understand. Its the thing I needed the most.

Donna:grouphug::grouphug:

[/QUOTE]


************************************************** ********


You Know I'm not sure exactly why all this quoted but it sure feels good to see it all in one place. I love lots of things about this place.

But the thing about neurotalk I love the most is this ROOM and most people
would find that odd. But you want to know why.

Because you never judge another, and you always love another.
You welcome all. And you want all to be happy.

Its one of the reasons it makes it so easy to come and talk to everyone
here. And I feel honored to be part of your world.

I have to admit, the last few days have been a real rollercoaster because
first I dealt with a roving husband. Told him off. Think he just might
have gotten the message.

Then I have been visiting my mother a lot in Kokomo, because she had shoulder replacement, I feel so far away being here. When she needs
help. But I'm doing what I can from here. ANd my sisters and rest of
the family is doing what they can there.

SO I can't take it to hard. She has 3 months in front of her for recovery.
My husband even was very much helpful, he came right away and put
in a new bathroom floor. When I asked him to look at the old. He
even fixed the commode and the wall behind.

And my son got to spend the week with my sister and her husband and another friend of theirs who are all Bi- Polar. Now he had a ball and I knew
he would. They are the exact ones I would have chose to ask too.
THey chose to offer.

I had surgery and I don't really think my husband got how much the surgery
was hurting till later. Hoping the next time, he will be more considerate at
the time. And not have to leave right away for work. Its the worst vise
he has.

But then, it just might be that after my helpfulness today. With a document typed he needed. The thing I was promised 9 years ago when we moved in here will be done this weekend. WOW, what a blessing I might not break my neck this year. I porch light finally

I'll believe it when I see it. But he usually doesn't write what he doesn't
mean.


Donna

I also wanted to say I took a course called I can depend on me that helped a lot!

I agree, see a therapist for yourself. Consider also seeing a marriage therapist together. And don't let these two therapists be the same person!

In addition, nurture yourself and do this double time. Explore ways to grow as a person and as an individual. All of these things will strengthen your self esteem and self worth.

I do lots of things I like to think nurture myself but maybe that is
part of the problem. I do things for others because it makes me
feel good.

Maybe I need to start doing more for me. I am working to
get back to the club, its taking some work. Because of the
surgery I had.

Donna

Doing Exactly What It Is You Want to Do
 

'Doing Exactly What It Is You Want to Do Is a Very Dangerous Thing."

-The Flaming Lips:

Go to Youtube: Flaming Lips: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

Be dangerous as you dare.

It gets me into trouble, but it's the only way I remain sane.

-BPB

dear donna,
You are an amazing woman.
jsut remember this....that you are worthy of a good life and family. You work hard to take care of your family and your kids know this.
Please take care of yourself...
hope you have a nice weekend.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Thanks Bizi

I do realize I've done a good job raising my sons. I also have lots
of reasons to be very pride of all 3 of my sons. And I don't plan
to stop being pride of any of them.

My youngest just a couple days ago, spent a day helping along
with skiing and tubing at a camp for special needs kids. Just like
he is. And he is looking forward to doing the camps he can do
as a 18 year old next year. Not only as a camper but a volunteer.

So he added yet another reason to be proud of him.

My middle son is just finishing up another semester of school.
And will be starting another year in the last couple of weeks of
August, and hopefully this family of his will be in their house by
then.

I even got my husband back on track working on their house.
And got him to understand somethings that happened when my
oldest got in trouble. That led my middle son to think my husband
hates him. And he even understands it, and is going to write a
letter to mend the rif its created. Because it wasn't that way.

So in the long run some good is coming from this. And if I can
just keep hanging in there one day I'll get everything caught
up. And can then look for someone for me to talk too. I need
to get rid of a couple more bills. So I can afford the bills.
Even with insurance.

Donna