I need to get this off my chest,
 

This is going to be one of the hardest post I've made. But I need to talk to someone who will understand, and not just always tell me I need to leave.
Even if that is what I should have done many years ago. It's really not
something I can do at this point. But its somehing I am working to be
less dependant from now on.


This goes back to the beginning I would imagine of my marriage. Many say that I have been emotionally battered. And they are probably right, even though he has no clue that he is doing it. His family his just like this.
Its gotten better as time has gone on. But if I ever get to independent then
I might as well get ready for more mental put downs, and being told I am not
going to be anything. Which is the way my life has always been, so it might be that I feel that from my childhood.

The thing is that I went to college after we married to get a degree in computer programming at IVY TEch, and I loved that. I also was given much of the if the kids are sick you stay home. You deal with all the problems, your not doing anything. I'm making money or just going to school.
Even though the last 2 years I worked in a work study in the registrar's office,
and then in the Financial Aid office and made many houre of need for work at times. So he still didn't think I had a job, I just dabbled at play, I was after a job. So I could get insurance so he could decide what he wanted to do.

Anyway, the real thing and problem, is that he has never found his place.
He has been unhappy, neediy, needing someone other than his wife to talk to.
So much so that he was either on the phone, or not at phone till bedtime,
then I got no conversation.

I learned the hard way about the times he needed women's company just to talk, that of course turned to other. And it was always it seemed either
one of my friends or one of his tenants.

So I always seemed to get the left overs, it took many years of a naive wife
not having a idea. Before I thought I had a hold on things.

Just to find out recently he was helping a friend of mine move. And decided he wanted more. So he is at it again, But of course once again its my fault
I wont talk to him. I wont cuddle with him. I just wont do what he wants.

GOsh I finally gave it all to him, and even asked who died made him, god,
the king of the universe, and the owner of the way I should feel when he
is on the phone all the time when he is home, or always out doing the rental houses, can't even remember he promised to take me to dinner, gets mad
because I need a driver for two surgeries, and then tells me that his money
and job is more important that my life or surgery so to find someone else.

I won that one, he takes me to my surgeries now, and even though he
likes to tell me he has a girlfriend, he has been warned that better not
be true. She better not be more than a friend that is a girl that needs
help with things, and I'm there too.


I'm tired of being the one that he forgets is his wife. If he wants one to
truely have that he thinks he loves, then its time he remember how to
treat me. I hope I don't make anyone think I'm a whining idiot.

I just needed to put this out, because at times I really need to talk about
it. Because my son who knows is so upset, he just jumps out of his skin.
And I don't have a clue if the other son knows. I had to go to the trouble
of telling Derrick, because when we all seemed to be at Indiana BEach.

I can't stop them from showing up at a public place, he was a idiot and
was not only holding her hand, but in front of some of my grandkids, kissed
her.

I was in charge of the day, and had responsibilities, so I wasn't surprised he
was off with a group, he was supposed to be. So that Derrick especially
could still ride.

So now its considered the old fool is going through his mid life crisis.
Thinking he can't get old, and you girls will keep him young.

He has been warned, this older lady has no wish to be second or to
hear about anymore women.

So thats my story and one reason I have been quiet. And by the
way my surgery went very well, as the weeks go by to the next
surgery I'll update as to if I was lucky to keep pain down, or if
it gets really bac too.

Donna

P. S. Please dont tell me to leave him, or things like that.
I still love him, like the day I married him 28 years ago.
I just needed to share my feelings, with someone that understands.

whatever your decision is I am behind you a 100 per cent\
bobby

Sorry DMom. Men can behave so stupidly.

My good friend finally divorced b/c he had a girlfriend (several, actually). He married the girlfriend, then came to his ex looking for sex. Go figure! The guy just had to be untrue or it wasn't a good time for him, I guess. :mad:

Good luck to you. I hope you can achieve your goal/desire to become independent. :hug:




Men: can't live with 'em. Can't shoot 'em. :p

I lived through the hell you describe for almost 30 years (stayed because I did not want to lose my kids) and it stopped when I gave him a taste of his own medicine and he has been true blue ever since! I do know how you feel and would not ever want to relive it! I hope for your sake you find a way to live through it with as little pain as possible!

please know that I am wishing you the best. From someone who has been verbally abused for most of my life (even as a child) I feel for you. NO ONE deserves the disrespect that you are getting. Would you like me to come and kick his disrespectful little behind? (I don't know maybe his behind is as big as his mouth), either way I will kick it out of oblivion for you...

sending hugs :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Dear Donna,
That is good news about the surgery.

It sounds like you are teaching him how you want to be treated and you have decided that you want to be treated better. I hope that he is paying attention.


Here's a youtube clip. The stuff about relationships starts on minute 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d785B_y0WSo
Ask Victoria: We Teach People How To Treat Us


Keep talking here to us.
Mari

Dear Donna,
It saddens me to hear that you are being mistreated....
and that you have dealing with this for such a long time.
Becoming more independant will help your self esteem.
Have you ever taken a self defense class?
I have heard that can be empowering.
Glad that you have your kids to love and get love returned...that must be awful to not receive love and attention from your husband.
Have you ever gone to marriage counseling? You could use this as a leverage.
Do you have a therapist to talk to?
Thank you for sharing this with us.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Gosh Donna~ Sure wish I could offer something helpful, but all I can think of is to say that I'm glad you are coming here to vent your frustration w/what is going on w/DH.

I hope you can gain some perspective from posting here and please come back and vent as much as you need to. You deserve to be treated w/respect, so hope your DH wakes up soon. take care of yourself, Donna.

Sending :hug::hug::hug::hug:

Donna,
I just hope that you start to think of yourself. Do something everyday for yourself. Also, it may not hurt if you leave papers about Alimony from off the Internet, and spousal allienation, woman that are in controling relationships, pamphlets about emoptional abuse.....Then too I would find friends to be busy with. Or make it seem you have a life, not adultry but a life outside the home filled with abuse.

A dose of his own emotional dumping except in your way it is dropping hints of what is to come.

HE is not going to change, you have to. Put yourself on the pedestial and take control of doing things to make yourelf happy and think of him as a room mate for now,
Hope that you feel better
di

Donna,

My ex started out just like that. May I suggest that you see a therapist with your county or city that specializes in abuse? There are usually suppport groups with woman in the very same shoes as you. Either one or both can be very helpful. I wish you the best.

befuddled2