Did he know?? ................
 

I have mentioned before that when I was diagnosed the doctors told me, this is known as the worst affliction known to man (pain wise) the bad news, it isn’t fatal. I went through a trying time. I did not want to live in this pain every day for the rest of my life. I wanted to end my life. I felt no shame in that then, or now. I believe it is a very normal feeling. If given a chance, who would choose to live with this pain?

What was asked of me on Monday… and has been racing through my mind since is…

Do you think your Dad knew this was coming with Lynn?
Do you think, it was part of his decision to take his life.
Between the return of his cancer, and knowing this…
he took his life before you took yours.

OMG!!!!!!!! WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I talked about this with my doctor and a few family and friends…it was said to me……
it is no secret, we all feared the day Lynn died…
We feared your will to live would break.
That either by God’s hand or your own …
One way or another - we were going to bury you that day too.

It seems this was well known to everyone -but me. I don’t know how that is though!!! I have lived life with the most positive attitude I could muster. I never again spoke of taking my life. Never once!!!! I put on my smile, I laughed, I shared, I loved. I truly have enjoyed life, I gave everyone my all. How the hell did they 'know" that?

It also seems everyone else could clearly see the rapid decline in Lynn . My brother said he was shocked when he saw him last. He thinks because I see him every day, I didn’t notice it as much. That I blamed his decline on Dad’s death… when in fact, it had started months before.

Now though, this is haunting me. Did Dad "know" this? My step mom said he did.
Well hell!!!! Did I contribute to him taking his life? Could he not bear the thought of losing his child…
That combined with his own illness……. He took his own life?

I am so mad at him right now. He took away my plan. My ace in the hole. I can’t do as he did, as NOW I KNOW the hell it leaves behind. I can’t and wont do that to my family. And to boot, Now, with all the physical pain, I am left with the emotional baggage that I contributed to his choice and the pain of losing him. And yet , now - I have no plan.

I’m not sure what causes this particular character flaw of mine, but I implore everyone else to seek help in their pain… with depression.. Yet I feel if I do, I am a failure-weak. I saw the craziness in this last night. I called my doctor today, and he was relieved to hear me admit I was depressed and would like to try the medications again. He said only if I didn’t admit that I was depressed in all of this, would he think I was crazy LOL He can always make me laugh.

Ok, I am going to go hug Lynn!

Thanks in advance for letting me share. Nikki

Oh my gosh Nikki, no no no! I don't think for one second you contributed to your dad's choice!

(((Nikki))) I totally agree that your reaction to your dx was perfectly normal. As far as "did he know?"....you'll never know for sure but of course you need to think about that...we are filled with questions when someone we love kills themselves....we don't learn the answers but we have to ask.

As far as other people speculating aloud to you...~sigh~ They should be listening to you not planting seeds of doubt. People mean well, I truly believe that but they invariably make it harder by saying the wrong thing.
They don't know what to say and they love you, they want to make it better for you...I may bump up "Listen" again.

Those of us who are coming to know you can see that you are/were a wonderful daughter. And it's normal to be angry at him...this is such a roller coaster ride of emotions...hold on dear lady. :grouphug:

My dear Nik-key
when you were diagnosed, and for a while thought of taking your life...truthfully were you thinking at that moment of the effect your death woul have on others.....my guess is NO

[WHY] Because life had dealt a severe cruel blow to you..on top of the pain you already bare, in tragicaly watching the man you love fade from his conscious mind.

I trust in my judgement that your father was also wrapped up in his own inner pain and anguish, and that his choice was that of his own with no baring on any other living soul.

You have stepped nearer to supporting your frail emoitions by accepting that grief has lead to depression.....something that was inevitable sadly.....but recognising your feelings are a huge step to dealing with the here and now...not the future or the past but for today.

Your a wonderful person with so many great qualities...I for one am glad you never ended your life in the past.............and that i know whole heartedly ......you wont end it in the future........may be your dads death keeps you truly Alive..............and prepares you for whatever life puts before you...........:hug::hug::hug: You have more courage than you think:hug:




David

thank you doody alffe and david :hug::hug::hug:

David, :hug: you are correct in that I was only thinking about myself when I wanted to end my pain, by ending my life. But, I was thinking of those I love when I decided not to. So even in my deepest pain, they did enter into my thoughts.

That is part of the issues I will need to work out. My Dad is the one who talked to me the most. I opened up to him. He told me many things, among them was that he needed me...and I had to hang on for him. I DID!!
Yet, he wouldn't or couldn't do the same for me.

Now I DO wonder.... did my talking to him so openly, in my deepest pain...
contribute to his choice. Did he feel with all the past hurts he was carrying, the things that were haunting him, that losing his child was more than he could bare, or witness. I know he was suffering... one has to be don't they! But, did I cause some of the pain? When I hurt, he hurt with me. That's my job he always said.

I must have caused some of his pain then. I know I did not mean to, I know it is not my fault. But, I know how much he loved me.. therefore suffered watching me in pain. I wonder too about me having the worst to date TIA stroke right before this leaving me partially paralyzed.... he didn't stick around long enough to see me recover...........

Well I wish so many things.... I know the answers can't be found now. But, I also know, like Alffe said:hug: I do need to voice these questions..... don't hide in and among them..... perhaps do the best I can to find an answer I can live with. Whatever gets you to sleep at night......

If I am completely honest with myself, I will have to admit.... I did have a plan with God. I WOULD hang on. I WOULD make the most of the life I was given. I would bring joy and love to those around me. Living that way, I soon began to think on my disabilities as gifts.... I have loved life, NO DOUBT!
But the deal was......
I would end this pain, when Lynn passed. It was a secret between me and God. I wonder then, how so many people figured it out?

So I continue to say I'm done, but now I have to find a different way to be done! Perhaps that is part of the reason I am so mad at him at this moment.
And yes, now........ "my Dad's death will keep me truly alive"

Thank you all for responding to a tough topic and reaching out to me:hug::hug:

I just read over my post... and I want to just clarify something.....
since that deal with God, and learning to live life as a gift.. despite my pain...
I had NOT thought about suicide. I mean it was always an option for some day if I needed it.

But, I had moved beyond it. I never again felt those feelings again though. Not through the loss of so many I loved, not through the loss of my baby even! It wasn't until my Dad took his life.... then they surfaced again. Came crashing in on me.

Well, after reading all this I feel so silly for just saying, no no no! But, even if he HAD made the decision to take his own life with you in mind (in addition to his own reasons) it STILL would not be your fault. He chose what he chose and I truly believe he would have done it regardless of his thoughts about your own depression!

And yes, I agree with Alffe...shame on those people for saying what they've said. :mad:

I know you're still going to question this but please...don't hold any guilt. It was his choice dear sweet lady.

Much love to you. :hug:

Doody, do not ever feel silly! You replied with your heart, and that is what I love about you!!:hug::hug:

That was also my first responce, well minus a few swears :o

It hurts right now... I know you all know this. But I want to try not to hide from it. I want to face it head on. If I stumble...thats ok... I will try again.
But as many things as I question, there are also some truths I do know.
Among them, is my dad held everything inside... from his childhood.. to the wars....... everything. I believe it slowly ate him up. In his honor, I wont do the same.

I just love this group, you have all helped me more than words can express :hug::hug:Nikki

Aww ((Nikki)), you make it so easy. You're very special. Signing off, so you have a peaceful evening and try to think good and loving thoughts throughout and when going to bed. :hug: Nite.

Me neither, not for a little while now anyway! I'd rather not elaborate on that if that's OK.