Feeling very alone out here!
 

Hello everybody,
As I've posted recently, I am my MIL's caregiver and my Husband doesn't live with us. My MIL has PPH, (Pulmonary Hypertension) Congestive heart failure, and severe Osteoporosis. (excuse spelling) She can't stand without a walker, can't stand straight at all. She's on Oxygen, and a catheter to help drain away the cumulative fluid. I must dump about 4 liters of fluid out of her every day. Anyway, yesterday she was complaining of tightness in her chest, and somewhat more difficulty breathing "like the air was heavy in the room" Of course I contacted our Hospice company right away. But when the Dr. called back she told me to just give her more Morphine. Like, no big deal! I know I signed up for this, but jeez I feel so helpless! I did as I was told, and it knocked her out quite sufficiently, still I sat and watched over her most of the night. Ya know it feels like your somehow, neglecting the person to just stand by and watch while her heart gives out; without taking any action. Like somehow you become a conspirator in her death or something. I just don't want to have any regrets afterward by thinking there was something more I should have done for her. Has anybody out there been through this? If so, how do you cope?

Hello Idas! Both of my dear parents had to have morphine towards the end of their lives due to terminal illnesses. It was harder for us to see my Dad in pain, than to not administer the morphine. In my Mother's case, we had to make the decision to put her on a morphine drip and to continually have the morphine increased.

This was extremely hard on me, as I felt I was helping her body to shut down. I now know that it was to keep her peaceful and pain free. Yes, there are times when I still ask myself if there wasn't more I could have done; but deep in my heart I know there wasn't.

There comes a time when trying to live becomes harder and harder for people we know or care about. We have to accept what happens and if your MIL is under Hospice care and on morphine, then the Dr is probably trying to keep her comfortable, esp if breathing is so taxing for her. I hope you know how very special you must be to take care of your MIL the way you are.

She is fortunate to have someone like you who cares. I hope you can get some rest..

You deserve it~~~ Oh, and I see you are pretty new here at NeuroTalk. I'm really glad you found us and hope that you can find comfort here. Please don't beat yourself up anymore. You sound like a very caring, compassionate person.

Please keep us updated and you can come and vent here anytime.

DM, you mention so many things I also felt and went through with my dad,

Idas, I am sorry you are feeling like this. It is very hard to handle all the emotions that are involved, I also had hard time with the morphine drip, I also realized later, it was good because it eased my dads pain. The reason you feel so helpless is because you care so much and want to help so much, comes with being a kind caring person. Honestly the feeling of not being able to do anything, I think clouds our judgment of ourselves. You are doing only what you can do, as are the docs, You are not alone, many of us who have lost a loved one that were close, went through all these feelings. Sometimes all you can do is hold that persons hand and let them know that someone caring is holding their hand and is by their side. Do not beat yourself up, :hug:

Thanks for your response
 

Thanks guys,
It's comforting knowing your out there. I liked it better though when I was the little girl and the grownups made me feel safe & secure. You know, back when there were adults, Doctors & Presidents in control of stuff. Now it's like finding out there is no Santa and I'm in charge :eek:. I know that's a weird analogy, but that's how I'm feeling these days, kinda disillusioned with life. When did I get to be the old lady?

No it's not weird at all. I was just saying to my mom that as a child we look up to our elders and almost worship them. Only after we grow up we realize they are just like we are with ups and downs of life. *sigh*

It's hard on you and I do remember when you told us about your MIL. I still wish hubby could come in and help you some so your not sharing this burden alone. :hug: DM gave you great advice about hospice and she's right, this is what they do towards the end of someone's life. I watch my bff be given enormous amounts of morphine before she left us. I was the last person she talked to. It truly is for their comfort. It's not your fault at all. :hug:

Idas, I too remember when you first posted about your MIL... I am sorry you are going through this now. It is very difficult to handle. When my gram had a massive heart attack. My mother couldn't cope with it and wasn't even able to go to the hospital to see her. Us grandkids had to make the tough call of following out her wishes of no surgery and allowing the doctor to give her extra morphine to ease her pain and let her suffering end quicker.

It was so hard at the time, some of us wanted her to have the surgery, even though the doctor told us there was no hope and she wouldn’t survive it. Some of us insisted her wishes were honored and she not suffer a needless surgery. It was hard on all of us, no one loved her more or less, we just each handled it the best we could. In the end, we tearfully and jointly agreed to let grams go. I still miss her greatly, but I have no regrets for the peace we were able to give her in the end. She deserved nothing less.

You are a remarkable person for caring for your MIL so lovingly. It is a hard road you face, keep posting and know we are here for you :hug:

dog feels alone
 

i had to leave my dog in tx and came to ca. he was very lonely. we are sort of joined at the hip. after 6 wks he is doing better but dang i am lonely for him.

my stepmom has about 3 wks to live, and my dad is recovering from triple bypass. she is in hospice at home. my dad is home and has a 2nd surgery he needs later. we all get along great but it's still so hard.

i have a lot of concerns about hospice. the latest crisis is an infection around the g-tube. they only said to use otc topical triple antibiotic. doesn't seem like enough.

First, Bless you! not many truly understand just how hard it is to do what you have taken on. Emotionally, mentally, and physically. Bless you!

Please have a talk with her Hospice nurse, and explain to them that you feel dismissed when you get pat answers like "just give her more morphine" Most hospice places understand that they have 2 patients. the patient, and their families. Since you are the one in charge when no nurses are near, you deserve better answers than "just give her more morphine." Explain to her care nurse that it scares you when things like this happen, and you want better directions, and explainations. If the answer truly is "give her more morphene" thats ok, but you would like it to be explained why that is the right answer. Hopefully in the future, you will be getting better, more complete answers instead of just directions on what to do.

:hug: