jokes
 

Anyone have any good clean jokes (not about PD)? I could use a laugh.

Here's one
 

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish; a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry; what they mean when they say 'nothing'; and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

Hope that gives you a little smile. PM or email me if you need to talk to anyone, I've got a good shoulder.

joke2
 

What do you call 2 orthopedic doctors reading an EKG?

A double blind study!!!!

thanks
 

Thank you so much, Dale!!! Yes, that did make me smile! That was really a good one!:)

thanks
 

Thanks TenaLouise!!!!!:p

warped humour
 

Some short jokes:

Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

smile
 

Wow! Thanks Tena! I really like the dyslexic one! It made me laugh out loud!
Mary

This isn't a joke, but it is still quite FUNNY :D ...and quite accurate!! :eek: as well as relevant so many decades after being uttered.

I found it in my Quote of the Day today:

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.'
- Theodore Roosevelt

State Mottos -

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, Not Really, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl - It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family - Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men (And The Sheep Are Scared)

Making fun of the English language... some of these I had to read twice before it clicked and made snese and became funny :)



Why English is so hard to learn;

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?