I've wanted to end my life
 

I'm alone,and have had panic attacks,depression,and OCD for years. Sometimes it's worse. Sometimes it get's real bad like a black cloud has over shadowed my life. It's like a eclipse,and all good things are gone in these eclipses,and I have no idea what causes these things.

Then no doctors can help me,and my christian brother's,and sister's have given up trying to help me. This was awhile back. Now my Dad,and sister are angry at me,and they don't want to see,or hear from me. They don't understand my condition. I don't understand it either.

I got better for a number of years.

Now I'm back in the Zone. I don't know what's going on,but how do circumstances bring me so low. My anxiety's so bad that I get pain in my chest from the anxiety. It comes,and goes.

Everything that I wanted to be is gone. I wanted to be a scientist,but I dropped out of college in my second year because of anxiety. I was not getting any help from councilors at school. As I think back I don't know why. I've been alone all of my life. I don't feel comfortable around people,but people do like me.

I haven't talked about this on the SOS forum before,so I thought that I'd post it. BF:hug:

Hi BF and thanks for sharing your feelings with us. I've followed your postings on the BP forum so I feel that I already know you a bit. If memory serves me correctly, and it often doesn't, *grin...you are isolated some by your location. I can understand why people like you as you are so supportive of others.

I think you need people in your real life...people who care about you. Does your church have a singles group? Do you like to read? Can you surround yourself with people in any kind of group setting?

Change is hard and new situations can be scarey but I think you would be a real asset to a group. And sometimes we have to be proactive with our lives. :hug:

((BF)) :hug: I too can see why people would like you so much. You have a caring soul and loving heart. I'm so sorry to hear you have had such heartache in your life. Sometimes, it is so hard to hang on.......

One thing you said stood out to me -"Everything that I wanted to be is gone."...... I can't help but feel it is never too late to be anything we want to be. If that one particular goal seems too unattainable, too hard to reach for, perhaps you could change it to something that you can still do. I am not sure if are able to drive? But, I know there is a huge need for big brothers, maybe you could bring your love of science to a child? Or something like meals on wheels? I use to do that before Lynn became ill.

Maybe it is just the way I am? But, I find the only thing that has ever truly helped me through trying times... like my disability and physical pain... Lynn's Alzheimer’s etc, is sharing not only my pain, but my experience with others. In reaching out to try and help others, I find a purpose for these trials we must face. A positive spin, on a tragedy so to speak. I see the post from you, you always offer so much help and guidance to others. Any support group would be blessed to have you. I am glad you posted, I am glad you are sharing with us:hug:

Hey BF! I know we haven't officially ''met'' online, but I have followed some of your posts and I too, can understand why people DO like you. I have several dx's that I deal w/daily and once in a while, anxiety creeps up on me too.

It's just who I am. Some call it Type A personality; I call it stress and anxiety. *oh and a little OCD in the mix doesn't help me either* It's hard to ride it out when those anxious feelings take over and I'm glad you opened up here. Do I have an instant solution for you? No, but I wish I did. *cause then I'd feel better about myself too*

But, I do know that you are kind and helpful to other's here at NT and I just know that there is more you have to offer to real life acquaintances. I hope you can get around people more and show them just how great you really are. I am sorry about your family; it is their loss to isolate you from them.


Hang in there BF. I know I'm not much help, but just wanted you to know that I care. :grouphug:

dearest BF,
the whole time i've been on the forum you have been an outstrached hand and a helpful friend, i just want to let you know I appreciate everything you've done for me so far.

I hope everything for you does soon turn around. I agree with Alffe about finding a group. My friend Lizzy's mom has MS and is like the community 'mom' she has 10-20 kids that regularly visit her house througout the day/week and we all share with ehr our problems and things and she does the same and it's a 'safe' place for me at least. I feel like my anxiety gets stopped at the door and isn't allowed in when I'm there (most of the time)

I hope that while you are in search of a place in your real life where you can be comfortable and happy, that you feel all of us here at NT holding you up and giving you the strength to carry on.

:hugs:

I am very isolated out here. I lived in the capital city of my State most of my life,but things got rough,and my sister said move out here. She has developed a illness,and seems to be angry with me all the time now.

I haven't found a church home yet. I have visited several,but I don't know where to go. I think that I need to visit more. I do have a car,which is essential out here,for I have to travel long distances to get to the places where I have to go.

Thank you for you love,and concern. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Thank you Nik-key. I'm way out in a rural area,but I lived in the capital city of my state for most of my life.

You are so right. I was part of a street ministry,that had a coffee shop where we helped people. Also I went to a nursing home with a Chaplin friend of mine. Those times where very fulfilling. BF:hug::hug::hug:

It's nice to meet you DM. I've come across many of your kind post's,and threads which are very uplifting. Thank you so much. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Thank you Megveg Those support groups are priceless. I've been to many of them,and prayer groups also. They are so comforting,and you feel welcome,and cared about. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Hi BF! I concur that you are very helpful to many of us here and always have a kind word to say or gentle wise advice to give.

I am also pretty sure if you call a church or two they would be willing to get a ride for you to attend. I haven't ever attended a church that didn't provide rides to those in need.

No matter what you decide, we are here for you as you are here for us. :hug: