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The elephant in the room
I feel compelled to start this thread, after a recent question raised on 149 wonder thread
Is this forum the right arena for those with feelings of SICICIDE? Personally i think it is the ideal forum.....................WHY? Because there is nothing else out there with the 'S' word in it...that draws in, desperate souls to these pages. If this form saves one life from suicide its worth it. I am fully aware this forum is for Survivors of suicide, and i now know the sad stories of so many individuals, blighted by the loss of a loved one, the pain and anguish, that the choice of Suicide caused. But for those individuals with 'S' in mind ....your stories are what keep them alive, your inner pain described so elequantly, and with such sorrow may, just may... help an individual to THINK for a moment and realise that although they feel inner loneliness, despair and abandonment of their lives, that deep down their loved ones would miss them if they chose to end their life. SUICIDE is such a dirty word and a huge ELEPHANT ........that most contemplating the act wouldn't dream of telling their nearest and dearest, of their feelings. one....for fear of rejection......... two........for fear of isolation three......for fear of hostility four....for fear of,, 'things cant be that bad', 'pull yourself together,' 'get a grip of yourself', 'how can you be so selfish', 'you have everything to live for', 'you think you have got problems' ect..ect..ect... five..for fear of not being understood............. So this forum is to me a partnership............ Those who have lost a loved one or friend to suicide, by their sheer presence here offer hope to those on the other spectrum of this Elephant in the room, & those with suicidal thoughts offer,... the survivors of lost loved ones an insight into the desperation in their lives that could lead an individual to even contemplate the 'S' word. THERE ARE ANSWERS IN THIS FORUM...........we just need to ask the questions? a thought to reflect upon is this The despair felt by an individual who looses a loved one to suicide is immense and lasts a lifetime. The despair an individual who attempts or fails a suicide bid, and the subsequent family and friend rejection that they more than often receive, creates even more inner despair and loneliness. What i am trying to address is those who attempt suicide are not often supported by family and friends after such an incident, yet on hear they witness what their loved ones would truly feel if they had succeeded.. surely tackling suicide and the thought of it and breaking down the barriers of this word will help everyone to understand DESPAIR IS DESPAIR..........And if we don't talk about it and support each other as human beings we could end up on either side of this dreadful coin..........it depends on who flicks it...and which way it ultimately lands........ David |
David:hug: thank you! I just wrote a PM to Mistiis on this very subject!
I too feel this is the perfect place for not only survivors to come share their pain, but, for those in despair contemplating suicide. For all the reasons you mentioned David. What better way to prevent suicide, than to witness through these postings, the hell left behind? I like to think we have always opened our hearts to those who come here in need. Through our support, perhaps one can find strength. I have mentioned here several times how when I was first diagnosed with my illness in 1999, I did not want to live. I thought of suicide as my only way out. I was in so much pain I even went to my Minister to ask if I would go to Heaven. His answer, forever changed me. Only through the love of my family and friends...... a trip or two(or 20) to hell and back .... and by the grace of God did I survive. I not only survived, but I learned to not only accept a life filled with pain, but to be grateful for it and thrive despite it. Through walking in that pain, and coming out on the other side I then became a support for others with my diseases. I wanted to let them know they damn well could survive with this pain. I had put suicide out of my mind. ---------Until Dad took his life......... My Dad's death, not only made me a survivor of his suicide... but his death brought on a deep grieving I am not able to cope with, and at times have not wanted to cope with. Therefore, I know both sides of suicide. I know what it is like to lose someone I deeply love.. and I know how badly I wanted to leave this world to join him. I have gained so much from others here, not only the survivors, but those in their own hell. David, you in particular helped me try to understand how Dad could have felt suicide was the only answer. I guess my point here is that there is only an elephant in the room, if we allow it. I think the only way to prevent suicide, is to break the silence. That IS what we are doing here! ALL of us :hug::hug: http://i330.photobucket.com/albums/l.../Horse-2-1.jpg Courage, does not always roar... Sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying..... I will try again tomorrow. |
TIME FOR AN INSIGHT
16.02.93 I returned to work after breaking my back [2 lower vertebrae discs squashed] i returned not because i felt 100% healthy, but for monetary reasons, debt, poverty, and the niavity that i could do something in the work place rather than sit at home and earn nothing, urged me to return, On the day of my return i chose the night before[foolishly] to give up smoking and wore a nicotine patch to work. In i walked with a doctors note stating light duties and a mind full of enthusiasm to get back in the work saddle, i had been off work over 18 months. upon my return i noticed my former role as foreman had been filled [understandably] but noticed very quickly the Doctors note was not given consideration. I was actually placed on the heaviest job in the factory. It did not take long for me to wind myself up, and get very angry about the total lack of care or support from my employers and colleagues. to cut a long story short, i left work stating a further sick note would follow, went home via a pub, consumed a lot of alcohol, and whilst my wife was in bed....practically severed my left hand............ In A+E [ER] I was treated with little sympathy, and was treated very discourteously [in the UK NHS staff see attempted suicide or self harm very poorly....time wasters..........do it properly save us a job of nursing you...attitude A nurse actual said to me...'the only way too get on in life is to suffer in silence.'.. she was politely saying most people don't give a **** about your problems, they have their own. I spent 9 days in hospital, my wife visited on the second day but not again...nobody else came... My wife left our home with our then 10 month old son...her family had told her..... him or us..... ALLTHOUGH MY FAMILY WERE INFORMED [WELL PARENTS] NO ONE RANG...OR CONTACTED ME. 2 WEEKS LATER My wife came home stating she could not understand my reasons but wanted to be with me...........her family remained silent much longer ....mother in law 7 months, brother in law 1 year...two sisters 2 years and father in law 26 months......................... My father sent me a card saying hang in there after a fortnight ..i had a letter from my mother after three months, telling me to grow up take responsibility for my family and act like a man. and a brother in law who told me i should have cut my throat and done the whole family a favour......................sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhh Fifteen years on all my in-laws talk to me.......though not about what happened....it never happened and must not be discussed My father is now dead.......... my mother...is happy to talk .............but not about emotional issues.........one brother talks if i phone him ..............the other 8 have not been seen or heard from since my fathers funeral in 1996............. So for those who survive the other spectrum....life is not much easier.....the elephant is not in my room but remains in the rooms of others around me........ David |
...thank you David...and that doesn't really even say what I feel....I feel very grateful for this thread. Thank you for expressing what I could not. I have been looking for a place to express just such experiences, and feelings, but have not found one that I feel comfortable in. I feel the need to connect with people who have been on our end of the spectrum. To contemplate suicide is one thing, to make a serious attempt, and survive it, is quite another. And, yes, it is a huge elephant. I was only 12 years old when I swallowed a whole bottle of aspirin. I truly did not feel that life was worth living. I will spare everyone the details. I love my family but it was very dysfunctional, and so was I. I had PTSD (didn't know it, undiagnosed, untreated. Still isn't. I'm not ready to go there yet. I won't put out here what happened, as it might be a trigger.) I went to bed that night, thinking I would not wake up. But I did, though extremely ill, as you can well imagine. Too ill to get up, too ill to talk. My mother sat at my side, and I never told her what I had done. We never went to the hospital, so I was spared that. I should have died, but I didn't. I did recover, and I never told her till years later what I had done. I still don't tell people about it. When I had to tell my new doc that I could not tolerate aspirin products, he asked me why, what happens? I couldn't say the word suicide. After much silence, I simply said, "I tried to check out..." he looked at me kind of strangely. And then I said, "I didn't want to be around any more." It was left at that. And I can't help thinking that it is affecting the way he is treating me now. My strange 2nd attempt is in another thread. I was saved from that one by a mental breakdown. Blessings can come in strange packages. The 3rd, and I hope final, is a nightmare that I am not ready to share yet. But I will. I think it will help me to finally make peace with it, and myself. And if I can do that, then I can help others. I have read that once a person has made an attempt, they are at a higher risk to make another, and succeed. I would hope, and pray, that those of you who contemplate will not make that choice, because it makes the battle all the harder. And only one who has been there can understand it. I really don't believe that it is the answer. It is a lie, and an illusion, like a mirage in a desert. We need to work to find answers. David, I don't know what the questions are. But I've no doubt they are there, unsaid. :hug: :grouphug: ...maybe, just perhaps, I am a survivor.
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I often find myself sitting in the lap of the elephant in this room.... I sit there and read.
It's probably crazy but the elephant is a protector for me. Because this elephant is in the room I have learned what loved ones go through when a loved one ends their life. I know that I do not want to put my loved ones through this kind of pain... the pain that may ease but never goes away. I know now that there are others like me... those that have struggled and fought a very long fight to beat away the demons that make us want to commit suicide. Many walk around this elephant, some try to push it out of the room, me I have embraced it and for that I am still here. I am learning to ride this elephant now for I feel if we become friends then talking about the elephant is not quite so scary. Well...that's just my ramblings... hope it makes sense. :hug:for all!! Abbie |
((David)) I read this post hours ago, but I was at a loss of what to say. I still am. My heart breaks that you were in that much pain, it breaks it more that you were treated so badly by those who love you. I can't fathom it. I just can't wrap my brain around it. The hurt must be deep. I can't imagine.
I was just saying to Alffe, that Michael and Dad didn't leave any room for second chances with the choice they made. There was no hope of a recovery, no hope for a stomach pump, no hope for an ambulance to save them. I assure you, had there been a second chance, I would not have reacted the way your family did. I would have been right there, reassuring him how greatly he was loves. I would have never left his side. I am so sorry you were not given that unconditional love. *ok now I am crying.......... so I will stop ((Mistiis)) I have only summarized by saying I was in hell, I have never been able to go into details.. I may never be. Though there is no way for me to know your pain, I can say I do understand that type of pain. I am sorry you have felt it so many times. Truly sorry:hug: "is a nightmare that I am not ready to share yet. But I will. I think it will help me to finally make peace with it, and myself. And if I can do that, then I can help others" Yes, you ARE a survivor!:hug: I wish I could say more, but I am a mess at the moment. Please just know you are in my thoughts and prayers:hug: ((Abbie)) I just love you. You keep embracing that elephant! I love the way you look at things. Your strength amazes me:hug: Ok I am a mess, but I will be back later. I think the world of you all, and your sharing, it is so brave, you are all true survivors! Much love :hug: |
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As you can see by my Avatar I'm now riding this bloody elephant.
the one in this room is bigger than i thought,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,so far 83 views 6 replies [and excluding myself ] FOUR other people have contributed to this thread WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY? Mistiis................although I spoke of one episode..........like you ..I HAVE been there on many occasions............too bloody many too be honest....[ only now i tell no-body how i am feeling].. Abbie.......your inner courage inspires me much like my other friends BJ......... Feeling goofy Nik-key was right.....to others a mole hill too you a mountain...problems /feelings/emotions are, exclusive to an individual...who is any one to say they are not worthy of recognition or support..........you are a wonderful woman....don't ever put yourself down again[PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE] My aim is to master riding this elephant and become a master Mahout.........................but i still need a leg up occasionally . |
The elephant in the room!
There's an elephant in the room, it is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it. And yet we squeeze by with, "how are you's?" and "i'm fine's." and a thousand other forms of trivial chatter. We talk about the weather. We talk about our work. We talk about everything else but --the elephant in the room. There's an elephant in the room. We all know it is there. We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together. It is constantly on our minds. For you see, it is a very big elephant. It has hurt us all. But we do not talk about the elephant in the room. Oh please, say his name, oh please, say, _david______ again, oh please, let's talk about the elephant in the room, for if we talk about his death, [ or survival] perhaps we can talk also about his life. Can i say, _david_____, to you and not have you look away? For if i cannot, then you are leaving me...... Alone ...... In a room ...... With an elephant. im still alive .................i think david this is not meant to offend but make a serious point.........AND JUST FILL IN THE BLANKS |
....love the avatar....much like the one sitting on my mantle. I think the subject is emotionally exhausting. Mental, and emotional barriers, do not come down easily. I, too, fully intend to master that beast, not just for myself, but for others. Will it be easy??? No!!!! Will I need help???? Yes.
There is definately help here to be had. It is true that my association with the people here have stayed my hand more than once. And I do need to read about it. I need to be reminded. I also need to KNOW that I do not struggle ALONE. Somehow, it makes me feel more normal, more human, more accepted. I hope, and pray, that I can help. OK...enough... |
Thank you so much for the story about the elephant in the room David. I'd never heard that before, and I had no idea I'd done something wrong when I posted what I thought was such a cute picture. If my elephant picture upset anyone, please know it was not intentional if it did, I truly do apologise.
After discussion with another SOSer last night, I did a web search and read about the story, but I couldn't find any reference as to why it would be taboo in a forum like this. Thank you for explaining it for me. In regards to the forum, I too think this is the perfect place for some-one with suicidal thoughts. Who better to offer emotional support than a survivor who is suffering themselves? What better place for some-one to see the pain that suicide causes for their loved ones? I'm not thinking very clearly at the moment, as some of this has left me a bit teary, but I hope that makes sense, and that you can understand what I'm trying to say. Also David, I am so sorry for the pain that you've endured. :hug: I worked as a nurse until recently, and although it's quite some time since I had worked in an emergency center, I'm pleased to say I never saw anyone treated as badly as you were. I think the way you were spoken to was just dreadful! Unfortunately I do know how cruel and thoughtless family members can be though, as I've been on the receiving end myself. |
Koala my dear lady your pictures have nothing to do with this thread at all
you have not and could not offend anyone. David:hug: |
Hi David ,
You mentioned the views count and I just wanted to explain some of that. Some members read many of the new posts as they come up, and they always don't have a reply or know what to say. Some of the views are due to the automated search bots and also guests that may or may not be members. Just wanted to let you know about that part of it, don't feel discouraged when the views number is high like that. |
At first, you dance around the elephant, pretending it’s not there. When you finally acknowledge the elephant’s presence, however, it doesn’t disappear. It’s still sitting there, as big as ever. And you’re still dancing around it, still trying to avoid getting trampled.
Letting go of denial—acknowledging that the elephant is there—is only the first step. After that comes detachment—figuring out how to stop caring so much about the darn elephant. A lot of my problems come from the unending and unsuccessful attempts to make it go away. I’m trying to take the focus off the elephant, and put it on myself and my own needs. When I stop focusing on the elephant, it gets smaller. It will never go away and I know that. But the more I focus on it, the more dominating and damaging it becomes. In many ways, the elephant’s trunk is more like a vacuum, ready to suck the life out of you if you can’t draw on your own inner strength. For me, right now, I’m trying to protect myself from the elephant in the room. Eventually, I’m hoping that it will shrink into a corner, no longer the center of my attention. I was driving to Pet’s Mart with Hooper and was thinking today’s my birthday, Mark’s gone, my mom and dad are gone. I want so bad to speak to Mark today, to be a silly brother and sister just one more day. I go to grief counseling but it’s not what I need because we don't talk about suicide. I need to go back to the SOS group, they understand, they’ve been there but it's hard work. I don’t know if I wrote this or I found it on the net but it’s tucked away in my poetry folder. It speaks volumes to me. Please don't ask me if I'm over it yet. I'll never get over it. Please don't tell me he's in a better place. He's not here with me. Please don't say he isn't suffering any more. I haven't come to terms of why he had to suffer at all. Please don't tell me how you feel Unless you've lost someone to suicide. Please don't ask me if I feel better. Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up. Please don't tell me at least you had him for so many years. What year would you like your brother to die? Please don't tell me God never gives us more than we can bear. Please just say you're sorry. Please just say you remember my brother if you do. Please mention my brother's name. Please be patient with me when I am sad. Please just let me cry. |
Thank you BJ. I know, that you know. :hug:
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Dear BJ
How right you are ,,,,,,,,,accepting the elephant is in the room in the first place, and letting go of the denial begins the help, that is required.. only by talking about our inner pain...can way confront the fear it creates, and the damage it bestows upon us. I think of my elephant as part of my life,......... and a circus. At times there are clowns who make me laugh...and at times i don't find them funny at all ..........and humour is the last thing on my mind. Then there is the Tight rope walker...who gingerly tries to balance his life to get across to safety. Then the trapeze artist who depends on another individual. 100%.with complete trust to prevent themselves from falling [sometimes i am the catcher other times I'm the one caught] [ sometimes there is a net below other times there is not] Then there are the jugglers who i don't understand fully and i see as them as the nonsense in my life's circus.....then at times i see their skill for what it is....... a mastery of balancing and coping with what they have ...quite musically alternating numerous tasks at once....[maybe I'm wrong maybe jugglers are the skill full ones in life's circus after all..........even when they drop things they start again] Next the lion tamer......who with assertiveness and utmost respect for his adversary......wows me with his bravery.....his bravery is tinged at times with reckless abandon....but it makes the life circus interesting viewing. There are the stilt walkers towering above me looking down upon me, with an air of superiority...and the dwarfs....who look up to me, some smile some frown.... there are many other acts in this circus....some i see and others pass me by ....but they all play a part......... OH.............I FORGOT THE ELEPHANT?........................[BUT THEN...IT IS ONLY PART OF MY LIFE CIRCUS HOWEVER BIG IT APPEARS ATTIMES] It all depends on me the Ringmaster.........and where i put the ELEPHANT in my daily show.........he will always be in the show...but not always the star of the show...............[i decided that] David:grouphug: |
There is so much in this to ponder on. So much I want to say, but I am just not able to right now. I still need to digest it. I just don't want it to die away. :grouphug:
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dont forget you are the ringmaster in
your life...circus David |
I like that David, I just wrote it on a sticky note and put it on my computer.
Thanks! :hug: another profound statement to go in your book ;) |
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THANK YOU David!!!!!
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describe your elephant in the room |
I've brought my elephant to Florida with us and he's playing in the waves. :D
Actually if truth be known that elephant no longer lives with us because I talk about him/suicide every chance I get....it took me waaay to long to learn this but it really works...Talk about your feelings and listen when someone tells you what they are feeling. |
Mine is huge....
The weird thing is, I feel my elephant is "friendly"... and, sometimes, smiles to me... I would like to hate it, but, I actually feel sorry for him... How weird is that ? |
I feel like i have gotten closer to the light at the end of the tunnel in finding this place here.
And there has to be a place for us to meet, the face of all our fears. someone contemplating suicide is dealing with there own demon . Someone dealing with the suicide of someone thy love is dealing not only with the loss of someone they love but the bitter reality of it being their chose to leave us. the realization that we ....didnt mean enough? and why? i know that being in the grips of these thoughts for someone depressed is paralyzing being in the grips of your success in ending your life is even more paralyzing because after your pain is gone our pain our scars live on for ever not only do we deal with our demons we now deal with yours. my brother hung himself from a tree.....the landscape of the world has changed for me forever something i used to love "nature, TRESS"S" .....i can no longer look at with out seeing my brother hanging lifeless or even worse......suffering the end struggling through the end of his life and i put that out there with a band aid on the image as to not be to harsh.. but imagine the ...reality of the movie that repeats over and over of your loved one. that is the gift your depression doesn't let you validate for us.:(:confused: |
I don't think your brother had any idea what his act would do to you Colleen...that you would be forever changed. He just wanted his pain to end, not realizing that yours was just beginning. :grouphug:
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:~sigh I wish I could ban the elephant forever....however, all I can do is beat him at his own game. Alffe is right, talk, talk, talk.....then do something about it.
Describe him?? Cunning, secretive, and too powerful...I have wrestled with him for a very long time. It pains me greatly to watch others do the same. At a time like this, I continue to ask myself, "Why am I still here?" Why was I saved from him?? I'm sorry Colleen...only God and your brother know what kind of pain he was in. I hope you can continue to find the support here that you need...:hug: |
Colleen :hug:
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And again, welcome to our forum where you will find souls who struggle and survive and yes, even thrive! :sing: Addy |
Today I describe my elephant as BIG, HUGE, Dark, Ugly, and MEAN...
Somewhere along the way I fell off... now he's standing on me.... :Sigh: Abbie |
Lonely1, please go get Blue's mouse...Abbie needs us! (((Abbie)))
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change that stuipd elephant into soemthing you can laugh at
something you can lovehttp://i342.photobucket.com/albums/o...lepainting.gif http://i342.photobucket.com/albums/o...ect/fant64.gifsomthing that doesnt scare you...take his power away. he is just a stupid elephant. show him whos boss!http://i342.photobucket.com/albums/o...alefant111.gifhttp://i342.photobucket.com/albums/o...%20ect/st4.gifhttp://i342.photobucket.com/albums/o...0ect/elepi.gif
http://i342.photobucket.com/albums/o...t/eleswing.gif |
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Get this Abbie's elephant !!! and he's got a spoon in case !! http://grandesesperanzas.blogcindari...atatouille.jpg |
For a while I made friends with my elephant... rode him around and rested on his back....
Now he's standing on me with all four feet.... This elephant has turned on me..... :( Abbie |
I wonder what it will take to get him off :( and you must be wondering the same thing....I'm hoping that the prayers and love we feel for you Abbie will help remind you that you're needed and appreciated in this life. :grouphug:
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Colleen1 , i'm truly sad for your loss...................................
Changing an elephant into something you can laugh at, is a great thought.........[but is the Elephant still in the room] Im so sorry your brother took his life, and also in the maner he did so..[which has and will cause you a great deal of distress] Please accept just like me as a reader, we will never know the reason for his decision......therefore we in theory canot question why he chose this final and forever decision. ....... You can as a sister recall his life...and his achievements, and his contribution to the world........ his endinding was part of him...........[harsh ......as it sounds it was possibly a huge part of him.].............god!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! life is cruel.................death even more so.............. in being here your brotrher LIVES .................and your story will hopefully prevent another sorry soul, leaving this earth in an un-planned way. David:hug: |
ty.....DMACK i have days that i think im ok, fort he moment i dont know why this month has been so tough for me , i have days that im pretty sure the wounds are healing but than i get hit with a overwhelming wave of pain and suffocating emotions that reeks havoc inside the walls of my being feels like that elephant is under my skin and trying to tear it' way out with razor blade
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elephant
Abbie,
Never give up! As unpleasent as it may be, face the issues head on. Use all the resources you may have...this forum, trusted friend, counsler..... When you give up, you let the demons win. Elephant on your back? you can rely on the mouse (small but mighty) to put that elephant back in it's place. Just remember to feed that mouse! You CAN do it! {says mighty mouse} G.A. Quote:
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GAngel pull up a chair my friend and a big welcome to SOS
cheeseeeeeeeeeeee=feed the mouse :D David |
there is NO elephant in the room...
I look around, I don't see any elephant.
Everyone says there IS an elephant in the room. It smells like elephant. Mabe it left already. Something is breathing heavy, must be something in the next room. What moved? just a mouse. No one believes me there IS no elephant. I just get goofy looks. You just can't hide something that big in plain sight. If I can't see it, it must not exist. Denial walks in and flips the light on. And there is the elephant hiding in the corner! |
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