All alone - yuck- mania blah.... Hate being alone
 

I had the kids' conferences yesterday and those went well. Work today was just great. Now I'm all alone and upset and that's dangerous. That's when I tend to get manic. *sigh*... That's when I want to go out and "do something" but its not the same as usual. When I go out and feel like this, that's when I go into one of my manic alternate realities. So its stuck at home in this house by myself. Its dark, I hate having nothing to do, and I'm tired from work and grocery shopping and Christopher is out having dinner at an Al-anon thing (which means he's gone with his ex-wife who is an alcoholic) and cut me short at our phone conversation earlier- just not his usual friendly self it seemed.... but I am a terrible guage of emotions sometimes. Anyway, now I'm upset and alone and don't want to hang out until I maybe fall asleep tonight. I'm feeling antsy again. I don't feel like watching a movie but I COULD read. I just hate being alone.... I have been fine as far as those crying fits I had a couple months ago- but now I was crying. Just a normal crying though. I wonder what it would've been not on the depakote... We have such wonderful times together and then he goes to an al-anon dinner with his ex. They have no children together. I went to conferences with MY ex yesterday but they're our children together- and its conferences. Different! It pulls at me all the time whether or not I'm jealous or justified and what is unrequited love and maybe that has to only be a true friendship level.... and see? I'm thinking too much now. (Nobody else does that here right? lol) *sigh*

Hi,

I hate being alone too but seem to be alone about 99% of the time since my break-up. I too think too much when there is too much time on my hands with nothing interesting going on. I can feel for you there but I'm not good on advice with relationships. All I can do is say hi to you, HI! I have been depressed because a male friend hasn't called me when I specifically left word on his machine to call me because I was worried I could not get him for 3 days. It seems everyone gives me the brush off. Sorry to make this about me.

Reading sounds good to me now that you mentioned it. Sometimes when I get antsy I'll play some fast loud music and I kind of go with the flow of it.

Take care and keep posting.

befuddled2

Yeah, thanks. I'm watching a makeover show on tv. And I feel really cold right now. Like putting a fire on. He has been good at contacting me and all that goes with it - but tonight was just disconnected it felt like. Instead of "Sorry. I'd love to watch that other movie with you, but I'm going to a dinner with my ex" he said "Nope. I'm going to an Al-Anon dinner." And yes- he WOULD say "Sorry. I'm going to an al-anon dinner. How about tomorrow?" And then we'd watch it the next day.

I just never know when I'm being overly emotional, sensitive, and react incorrectly, or if its some kind of intuition. I mostly have to say "What is his track record?" I guess. I just remember how things were yesterday with us and the idea of him going to something as stupid as an al-anon dinner (YUCK. I'd NEVER want to go to one of those- and my dad is an alcoholic.) makes me feel like "Oh that was all fake?" Totally irrational....

Just still sitting here at home with one cat and one dog in the silence of the house and the loudness of my brain. Tried reading. I can see this will be a late night up even though I am tired.

Nathan,

I slept on and off until 5 this afternoon so tonight may be a long night for me also. I'll keep checking for your posts. I am tired but that's depression. I should go somewhere tomorrow, anywhere, just as long as I can get the heck out.

If you have any male friends I would ask them their opinion.

befuddled2

Being alone can be tough sometimes. Then sometimes we need it.

I also would ask a man's opionion on the Christopher situation.

Hang in there. Getting out of the house usually helps the lonliness.

Hugs, Nikko

Hi Nathan,
You are making big changes in your life with the job and all.

Can you also make some plans for the weekend without the children? Like on Wed you can go to Blockbuster for movies that you cannot watch with them? Or you can plan something to cook that takes too much time when they are there? Or start a new hobby? Get an exercise DVD?


Just thinking aloud here.
I used to like to take myself out for lunch and plan a stop at the library to buy cheap books or something. If it was part of a plan I felt like I had a mission, if that makes a little sense. I felt important.

Do people in your neighborhood have garage sales this time of year?
Mari

Mari, I like that idea of buying cheap books at the library.

befuddled2

hi again all. My weekend went well. My ex had the kids Saturday and I did not have plans except for Judo. I did that, got home around 2-ish, ate, took a nap then went to the book store. I did not have plans after that, but that night just as I was stopped out in the parking lot talking to an aquaintance from judo, Christopher called around 7 or 8 and invited me over. So we spent from then until just now together. Well, plus his daughter and then for a few hours this evening his daughter's friend. We had several good heart-to-heart chats. Got off my chest lots of the stuff that's been sitting there, but WITHOUT doing it "female style", (which as you may know consists of dumping the entire file group in one huge HEAP! lol...) Plus we made soup, read, looked at stuff on the computer... This morning, I got up, got a shower, made toast and tea and read a book of mine alone while he slept on his bed on the other side of the table. Oh- and lots of crazy dreams- of course!

Tomorrow, I need to work out this *bleep!!* *bleep!!* stuff with FIA. Next day I work... Oh yes and i have a yeast infection I think so I need to see about getting a script for that. I thought I had refills. Guess not.... I'm getting into my bed now....

That sounds like a nice and relaxing weekend!
HOpe this week proves to be some more of the same for you.