The perfect storm .....
 

This is from a converstation taken from the webcast shown on National Survivors of Suicide Day http://www.afsp.org/index.cfm?fuseac...26998B8ED467D1

It has helped me and I thought it was deserving of its own thread.....


Jack Jordan PhD

"I sometimes say to survivors that I work with, that I think of suicide as the kind of perfect storm....

.....Its the coming together of multiple factors in just the wrong way....

That include the persons biology, their thinking, their life circumstances,
things that have happened long ago as well current stressors in their life...
all just in the wrong way that allow it to happen.

Typically survivors over estimate how much of that they could have controlled or done something about."


Dr. Sidney Zisook
And often somebody will say, I am only staying alive for my loved ones, and that is very true…

But at the point where they kill themselves, their judgment is so impaired and their pain is so great…
That even that isn’t enough to keep them going."

Lucinda Williams - Learning how to live (without you in my life)

I couldn't find it on youtube... these links worked when I tried them

http://www.last.fm/music/Lucinda+Wil...Live?autostart


http://www.rhapsody.com/lucinda-williams/west


I'm learning how to live
without you in my life.

I'm learning how to live
without you in my life.

I'll take the best of what you had to give.
I'll make the most of what you left me with.
I'm learning how to live.

I will probably always question why Dad took his life. I do know it is an unanswerable question, but it does not, or can not, stop the quest.

I will most certainly always wonder what I could have, should have done... that might have saved him. Just as I will always wonder how I could not have known he was depressed, how much pain his tortured soul was in.

The perfect storm analogy, clicked with me. It made a semblance of sense, to something that has none.


Though I have heard similar words spoken by others many times, the way they were said this time, or perhaps it was more because I was ready to hear them this time? Had a huge impact on me.

Since Dad's death not one day has gone by that I am not tortured by my thoughts. One of them is the thoughts of our love, how deep and true that love was- and yet, it couldn't save him........ how he didn't love me enough to stay.

In trying to see through my pain, and into the pain my Dad must have been in, comes not only forgiveness, but an understanding that his death was about the pain HE was in, and not the pain he left me in.

He could not have known the hell he would leave behind....... just as I , could not see the pain, he was clearly in.

I no longer think of his death as his "choice". A choice, is made by a rational person. Choice is taken out of it when ones thinking is so deeply clouded by pain. I now know he did not want to leave us. In my heart, I now call it,
“his perfect storm"

I will forever wish to waken from this nightmare. But, that is fantasy. The reality is, there is a perfect storm brewing inside me……

I plan to ride the tsunami, wave after wave... learning and growing as each wave takes me under. Finding my strength to surface again, reaching out for help, and offering my hand to those in need.... is the greatest gift I can think of to honor my Dad.

I tend to now think of myself as someone who has suffered a traumatic injury. As with most such injuries one needs to learn how to do many things anew. The difference is, my injury was to my heart... there are no rehabilitation centers that can help. Dad is gone, but he lives in my heart. It is up to me..... I must now find new ways to live.

and you will find new ways...you are already looking dear lady but it's much too soon now to be anything but devastated by his death.
And it's the holiday season when we are "supposed" to be grateful and happy. It really will get better one day...:hug:

I know I have a very long way to go......
But, today is better than last month - it is a start.
Between finally being able understand that his death was not "his" choice, that his death was about HIS pain, and not mine.... and joining the coalition, I feel the healing, has at last begun.

I have been thinking on this a lot.............

I truly did not know Dad was depressed. It came as a total shock to me when my step mom told me he had admitted to his doctor he was depressed. Even more shock came when I learned the doctor did nothing, NOTHING to help him.

I sit here now and wonder how in the hell can that be? How could I have not known?!

I knew his favorite food, color, actor, book , movie... etc etc .. I KNEW him, he was a part of me. Yet, I did not know this most vital information.

With this also comes the unrelenting questions that haunt me, had I known, would he still be here with us now? The what ifs are as bad as the whys.

The thing is, a few years before while he was having cancer treatments, I did know he was depressed. He even told me. He said many times that winter upon waking, he would ask God why? He did not want to be here any more.

So, I live with that now. He got better, I thought he was ok now! He didn't mention anything else since. But............. now I wonder....... and wonder....... did he not say anything to me because he could clearly see how deeply his pain hurt me? I was very supportive of him and tried to help any way I could.... I let him now how deeply I loved him, how greatly I needed him in my life..

I think on how bummed out he was every winter. We always called this cabin fever. Lynn gets it as well. I didn't know it could be anything more serious than the ill feelings I have towards the cold and snow after a long long winter. I think on it now, last winter we had record breaking snow.........
Yet, I couldn't see he was depressed.

Upon hearing we were to have yet another March storm, he got up from the table and said, yes, I think I have had enough..............

The last drop to tip the cup over? The wind that fed the perfect storm?

I sit here now and think about him. How proud and strong he was. Though I am 41, I still call him Daddy. He was my superhero. Now, I think about how he always said there ain't no lace on my panties. His brave face that I always adored. My pride over his 23 years in the Army. His strength I always leaned on. He was invisible!

Yet, now I almost despise that brave face and strength.. as I feel it made it impossible for him to reach out. There is not a damn thing I can do about it now....... but oh how I wish.............

I guess my point is, I did listen, I did help and I did show him how deeply he was loved. He DID get better. Yet, he obviously sunk down again, and this time he suffered in silence. IF ONLY, IF ONLY.............

It breaks my heart to think he couldn't or wouldn't share with us. I know how deeply he loved us, I can only imagine how hard he fought to stay here for us. That his pain was so great... the thought of it can destroy me.

This one line keeps playing in my mind.....
I imagine we all read or hear something that clicks with us.... this is the first thing that was able to make me truly understand, his death was about him and his pain........and not about the pain he left me in.

It still breaks my heart! But, since hearing this I have been able to let go of the anguish that he didn't love me enough to stay. It is a start.... a major one.

I know this may sound odd... but you know how you can miss someone so much that your heart truly does ache? The pressure, has lessened a little. 41, and I still call him Daddy... and once again, I know without question he loved me and didn't want to leave me. *crying, so I think I will stop here.......

(((Nikki))) Your post brought my neighbor to mind...not that she's ever very far from my thoughts. She hasn't responded to my recent emails and it alarms me. She was dreading the coming Thanksgiving...and seeing all the snow only reminds her of her dead son...he loved snowboarding...his friends took his board and nailed it clear up at the top of a fir tree in his memory. I think she "fears" repeating herself to me...her anguish, her pain and her anger. I wish I could see her up close so she'd remember that it's ok to say it over and over and over.

I'm so glad you feel some "easing" in your heart. Please know that I keep you in my prayers. :grouphug:

((((BIG HUGS)))) nik

will have to come back and catch up on all these reading....but thanks so much for posting them as well as your thoughts...

Thank you both, ((alffe)) ((moi))

I can't sleep so of course my brain is working overtime. It dawned on me while reading over these posts what has changed in me......... it's the anger. I have let go of it. Not all of it! but, a great deal.

How can I be mad at him, when I think how greatly he was suffering.. and think of how hard he DID try to hang on for us... breaks my damn heart, but I am not ****** at him anymore. (for now ;))

I had to *grin at your (for now ;)) Nik....you're getting the "hang" of this survivor stuff. :grouphug: