moving... exhaustion... loss... everything
 

oh me... just woke up... coffee here. slept sorta on and off between bitten by skeeters and feelin cold. now get ready for another haul over to my parents'. btw, if i drop off scene for the weekend that's where i am.

yesterday i grueled through my laptop registry to track down some spyware residue until my brain cells complained so much my hair wanted to fall out.

at that point it was tardy enough in the day that i really HAD to pack more. with horizontal back restings, and crying breakdowns. plus fear they wouldn't fix the elevator in timedad called about their berserk computer which i had said to leave OFF but noooooo, mister wise guy there... so he got yelled at. Btw, i'm an ex-software engineer. EX. no software now, never did do hardware, ok - some drives and mem installs... so now, i got two sick 'puters to fix, theirs i don't yet know if h/w or s/w. i have neither time now, nor the spirit, let alone when ppl don't cooperate with the tech's (my) instructions!

So I'd had it. Unplugged phone, muted cell and screw the world, no agents no parents, no salespeople nobody, oh.. friends? what's that. who cares get outta my hair... and let me sink in my own pot of * without stirring me in further.

luckily i had more than a carload ready last week or this week would not have enough. the last thing i did were my plush toys. i choke as i type that. i dustbusted them first and sobbed throughout. Somehow boxing plush toys literally "hits home." :(

i have been/am so exhausted. mentally, physically, spiritually, everythingly. grieving ... but beyond. also anorexic. 600 calories? if only. i do eat something once a day, and no junk. lots of juice and milk too, as those go down. i know this is making me weak - i feel it - but i can't help it.

well, that was more than you bargained for perhaps :( sigh. i have nobody to tell in quite so many words i guess that's why.

Bizi thanks for asking. :o you are really sweet. i have been feeling a bit shy to post about me much. hugs ~ waves ~

~

Hi, ((((((Waves)))))) :WAVES: :D

Just wanted to let you know that somebody read this.

Re: your stuffed buddies. I saw something on one of those TV decorating/space organization shows that *I* think is a fantastic idea -- take pictures of them :cool:

You might not have the physical space right now -- but I'll bet you a million, you have room for a special picture.

I go through spells where I'm so tired that I can't eat (that's the fibromyalgia kicking me in the @$$). What I do it heat up two cups of water and a package of ramen noodles in the microwave. Sometimes I add fresh veggies. I have a low-wattage microwave, so I "cook" 'em for 5 minutes. It's just satisfying -- something about the noodles. Then I slice up an apple and spread some peanut butter. And lastly -- and most importantly -- chocolate milk. Doesn't sit heavy on your stomach, but fills you right up.

You gotta take care of yourself. Drink tea out of china cups. Buy yourself some flowers or pick some along the edge of the woods, Shut the TV off and listen to some nice light jazz or 50s/60s oldies (that was *BEST*). Go sit out on the steps or the porch at night and drink some tea or hot chocolate and just look at the stars and the moon and think about how amazing it is that we're all here :p

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_2_104.gif

BIG HUGS. Don't stay up too late.

Barb

oh thanks Barb!!!

saw it.... nice to be read...

:) thank you... hugs ~ waves

oh this sounds so hard to do.....
 

Dear Waves,
Moving does suck.
Having to change your environment is one of the hardest adjustment times ..IMO.
Perhaps you could just think of this as temporary?
Just one more chapter...a stepping stone so to speak.
Not only is the move physically hard on you the emotional aspect that we can place on our things...memories...it is all very hard to do.
So I am proud that you are taking it bit by bit...
Hang in there...
take a hot bath to soothe your tired muscles and wrap the warmth of the water around yourself and feel the healing power of water.
take care of yourself my friend.
(((HUGS)))
bizi

baths soups and failure
 

i love the warm bath suggestion... even have lots of nice scented bubble baths... but no tub. only a shower stall.

years ago when i moved here from the US, i saw staying with my parents as temporary - a stepping stone. for 3 years my life would be on hold it sucked but i expected it. during which however 9/11 the world fell apart and so did my plan of returning to the US. i had a countdown in Excel - to give you an idea what that meant to me. age and situation has changed that option.

it is hard to think of this as temporary, this time. instead, i think more of my few years in this apartment as a temporary reprieve, a period of denial of a sad and failing life.

well, anyway. my dad makes great vegetable soups and their bathroom has a tub. :o

hugs ~ waves ~

Barbara...
 

i used to love ramen noodles. i think part of my problem is the opening of the gut. or should i say the closing.

that and a general repulsion for food, unless i'm really hungry, and even then it's touch and go. i thought it was all nerves but i gained so much on Zyprexa last year but lost a good bit by dieting (and it was HARD). This spring I put it all back on, plus some, when i got depressed real bad.

my ex jokingly called me fat. this was 2 nights ago, in spite of 12 pounds that have melted off in less than a month. it stuck with me for days. so i think besides the tense/depressive anorexia, i think i have some body image issues... heck i have overall image issues... heck identity issues... sigh... i have somethin or other andthensome issues dang it! (thank goodness i have tissues! :rolleyes: )

best omit what my thoughts are when i sit on the balcony at night. :(

but i looooooooooooooove the picture idea. they are all boxed now... but i can still do that after i move.

thanks for all your thoughtful suggestions - and for replying to me earlier... you made the trip a bit "softer" for me.

hugs ~ waves ~

Oh, I hear you loud and clear.....moving is the pits!!!! Yet, once you are in your new place, it's a feeling of relief, you can take you time unpacking.

Fatigue comes with depression, at least for me. Grieving is something we go through and it's so hard, only time seems to help that, so they say, whomever they are.

Friends, well I don't have many here, I wish I could go back East for just a few days, but with my dogs and my mom, I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving them. There is nobody here if my mom takes ill.

I guess that all adds up to Lonliness, which I seem to throw myself into magazines, or trying to concentrate on a book. Watch TV - clean - go to my appt's. and try and sleep, take care of my pets.;)

It all sounds so easy to do, but I know it isn't, and what you are going through isn't easy, but you will get thru it, because you are strong.

It's amazing what we can do, because we just do, nerves and all, I've amazed myself with a year long illness of my mom's and dealing with that and now this crap with my husband. It does take a lot of us, but as long as we take time for ourselves, to let our emotions flow, and let our feelings out, it somehow makes it work.

Anyway, hang in there, stay strong......Hugs, Nikko

my move does not include unpacking...
 

... only more loss. i have lost my boyfriend, and about to lose my space, my privacy, my creative supplies, my own toothpaste... my silence.

i am not moving to a 'new' place. i am 'moving' BACK into my parents' living room. they have a small place. I will have my clothes, plants, CDs, a few utility items and VERRY VERRRRY few small "memento" things upstairs. (these are not even being packed - just brought over.)

the rest. everything. what is packed is packed indefinitely. every every every single thing. all the books. puzzles. plush toys. mementos. decorations. photos. musical/recording equipment. painting/drawing supplies. craft supplies. pictures (wall). Past college papers. in the garage. in boxes. NO unpacking. boxes. They will live there. period.

oh, and if the garage sounds not far... it is not like, next door. 5 floors down and a ways across a subterranean parking lot.

BUT... I DO thank you for the vote of strength. and yes, thinking of all you have been through... you are an inspiration to me. i will try to follow your example. ;)

hugs ~ waves

Hi,
Writing to say just that.
Tooth extraction happened Friday. Hurts.
Want to say I am there to share your pain.
Love

oh... oh dear.
 

hi.

thank you for writing.

i'm sorry about the extraction - had a real nasty one myself once, with an evil dentist... ugh. so sorry. hope you feel better soon.

hugs

~ waves ~ hoping we both can manage to eat more soon.