NeuroTalk Support Groups - They're crawling out of the woodwork

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They're crawling out of the woodwork

For those not familar with my life these past few years I'll fill you in. My brothers and cousins that I grew up with were pro my ex husband who abused me. Okay, when I was with my ex everything was cool and we'd get together but as soon as I left my ex my family quickly dropped out of my life. My family was more trouble when I was just about totally alone for a whole year until I made new freinds. Then when my ex passed a year ago they all; well lets just say I haven't seen my family in over a year. No cards, no mail, no calls, nothing.

I do not work so I had very little. I had called my one brother in town a couple of months ago and metioned the lawsuit where I should come into some money. About 2 weeks ago a friend of my family who was at my friend's place got on the phone and asked me a bunch of nosey questions. Well, it took me awhile but I realized that this friend of my family was fishing for facts that are in my favor to get the money. The one brother I called a couple of months ago, well that was a mistake to call him. So back 2 weeks ago when the friend of my family got all in my business I told myself my family will try to get back into my life. Sure enough, I got a card today from one such cousin whom I haven't heard from in two years.

If someone would have told me that people are like my family I would not believed them many years ago. I was naive. They smell that money and now that I'm happy and content they think they will wiggle back into my life. Wrong! I went through a living hell for 2 years and they dropped me like a hot potato. So now I will ingore them.

befuddled2

Good idea...:grouphug:

and if they do start coming around, or trying to get more info from you about it - just say it all fell thru.. and see what happens then.:rolleyes:

Thank you Jo. That is a good idea only if I give them an opening into my life and they shoot me down again it will be more hurt.

befuddled2

Barbara, we choose how to react to things, we can learn new coping mechanisms when faced with challenges. WE don't have to react the way we usually do we can react differently this time around, setting up limits and boundaries, you also get to change your mind.
and say I feel differently now.
bizi

Yes Bizi, I have had to learn to set boundaries with those in my life now. It would not be wise for me to try that with my family though because it's all of them working against me. Since I'm the one who is bi-polar and not them they use that fact about me to do what they like to do best, control manipulate and abuse. They see me as beneath them so there fore in their minds it gives them the right to abuse me. Believe me I have thought about trying to set limits with them but I see now it would not work for the simple fact of the gang up effect that would be on me. Life is too short to waste it on my family. I'll just cut my losses and move on.

befuddled2

Dr Laura suggests that too, if some people or family members are "toxic" to be around or even talk with , cut the ties and move on.

Nobody needs garbage in their life.
:grouphug:

Hi Jo. Where is Dr. Laura? If she's on T.V. or online she sounds like my kind of Dr. I've had therapists to tell me to leave my family alone and it took me so much heartache and pain to finally accept it that I don't want to ever give in. I feel so liberated now without my family in my life.

befuddled2

Radio talk show & online - plus lots of books -

[Washington D.C. Area Listeners: Dr. Laura can now be heard on The Big Talker 1580 AM, WHFS-AM from 6p-9p

New York City - Hackensack Listeners: Dr. Laura can now be heard on WNYM 970 AM from 9p-12mid

Click on your state to find the closest Dr. Laura affiliate:
http://www.drlaura.com/radio/affiliate.html]

and her main page - http://www.drlaura.com/main/

I just checked my county library and her books are in it, so your library should have them too.

You can search with her name to find them - Schlessinger, Laura

quote from Dr. Laura

Hi,
Here is Dr. Laura being interviewed about how she feels about toxic families:

http://www.estrangedparents-adultchi...om/Page10.html

Quote:

Basically, as I explain often on my radio program, any individual has the right and responsibility to self-defense; “self” is defined as one’s own person as well as spouse and children.

In a situation where it is clear that an association with a family member is dangerous or destructive, it would be considered unhealthy to continue contact. I always try to get callers who are contemplating an end to contact to clearly distinguish between “dangerous/destructive and just plain “annoying.”

When the family member is simply annoying, my recommendation is usually three-fold: (1) be respectful and polite and (2) minimize, but don’t eliminate contact, and (3) accept the reality of their personality/character and stop frustrating yourself with unrealistic expectations and stop trying to get them to be what they aren’t.

Number (3) is usually the most difficult because people have to deal with loss.

also:

Quote:

It’s not usual that someone has to divorce a whole family. That is generally only the case when there is/was severe sexual or physical abuse and the family is rallying around the “secret” instead of the “victim.”

One of my frequently repeated mantras to this issue is the following: “God gives each of us two opportunities to have a wonderful parent-child relationship – first as a child, then as the parent.”

I remind listeners and callers that they have a choice – they can perpetually suffer, mourn, and battle the dangerous/destructive types in their lives, or they can move forward and create beauty and happiness by opening their minds, hearts, arms, and lives to other wonderful people out there who can offer them acceptance and affection. They have a choice.