Still in bad shape
 

I am still on medication over my bf's suicide which helps some but I can't get it out of my head. I still have his last messages saved on my phone so I can hear his voice. I think about hanging myself too so I can go and be with him. I don't understand why he has not shown himself to me or talked to me. Where is he? I was raised to believe that when you kill yourself you go to hell so I have a lot going on in my head. I look at his pictures daily and I miss him so much. Can I please get some feed back?

((((jestersnow)))) its good to hear from you. I am sorry that it is under these circumstances though. Your questions are questions that many who lose a loved one to suicide deal with. I am not a survivor of suicide in the sense that you are. I have not lost someone to suicide. Some of the members are away for the holidays. So it may be a while before you get feedback from them. But I want you to know that we are here for you.

Where is he? A very good question. Why doesn't he show himself to you? Another good question. Those are questions about life, and what happens afterlife. There are many beliefs out there. I can only give you mine. Mine are not based on blind faith. They are based on my life experiences. I know without a doubt that life exists beyond death. I know that prayer is powerful. If you keep praying you will get an answer in some form.

I don't feel that I can express some of my beliefs and experiences in a public way. I will try to send you a pm later. But, no, I don't believe that he went to hell. That is a common mis-conception. He will not be judged by us, but by a loving God who knows his heart and his pain intimately.

Feeling that you want to be with him, and commint suicide to do it, is also something that others here have felt. Nikki has gone through this, but her mother is ill right now, and I don't know when she will be able to come in and help you with this.

Just keep coming in and talking about your feelings. Get them out. BJ was in an accident, or she would be here to help you as well. She deals with having pictures of the suicide of her brother in her head. They are very hard to deal with and replace.

Are you seeing a therapist? CBT may be a help. Time...it takes lots of time.....the pain is not going to just disappear. But it will get better. Please know that. Hang in there, and keep coming back.

Hopefully someone else will come in and offer some sage advice. ((((((big hugs))))))) to you jester....:hug:

I do deal with suicidal thoughts. I can help you there. The thought of suicide is a way for us to cope with our present pain. It seems to be the answer to get away from the intense pain that we feel. You may also feel guilty because you are here and he is not. These are difficult feelings to deal with. They are painful feelings. It is natural to look for some relief from it. Suicide seems to be the answer but it is not. It is an illusion. Please don't give in to those thoughts. Read some of Pter's stuff at the top of the page.

Hope, that things will get better, is important. And they will, again, over time. A lot of time. Try to find something that makes you smile, anything. Do something that you like. Instead of picking up the phone and listening to his voice, think about someone else in your life that you love, and that you want to be there for. There are other people in your life, that need you, and that you do love. Think about them....:hug:

((Jester)) First of all, please remove those messages from your phone and don't listen to them anymore. You are speaking about the messages he left saying he was going to commit suicide, right? I don't think it's healthy for you to be listening to those.

You'll have to search your own soul on the 'everafter' question. I personally don't believe in hell, period. I don't think that is where he is.

And I agree with Mistiis that you should find a good counselor to talk with for awhile. They can do a world of good.

You will survive, I promise. :hug:

Jester...I'm so sorry for your loss. I have lost loved ones but not someone I was so intimately involved as a boy friend.

I truly believe and this is my belief, that those that take their lives from this world do it only because their minds and hearts are very troubled…fogged or whatever you want to call it.

I feel that your boy friend is in a place where he is being loved and cared for. I don’t believe that those who leave this life in this way will be judged for what they did…they will be loved. I believe also that there are many spirits…angels if you want to call them that that are praying for you and holding you in this time of grief.

As Mistiis said He will not be judged by us, but by a loving God who knows his heart and his pain intimately.

I know that prayer is a very powerful tool that we have been blessed with to be able to talk to our Father in Heaven and that he is waiting for you to ask for His help. He will hold you and love you through this.

My hope and prayer for you is to look out at the world and know that there is life here and a beautiful life. You will grow in from this adversity you have been blessed with if you allow yourself to grow.

You are in my heart and prayers. Take care of yourself…don’t worry about him, he is being cared for as I said earlier.
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Thank you to everyone
 

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH AND YES YOU HAVE HELPED ME. I AM READING BOOKS AND WAITING ON A WORKBOOK THAT I ORDERED TO WORK ON. I ALSO AM IN COUNSELING BUT DOESN'T TAKE THE PAIN AWAY. I HAD TO TELL YOU ALL THANK YOU THOUGH. YOU ARE ALL IN MY PRAYERS.:grouphug:

JS - I am a survivor, like you.

I lost a dear brother to suicide in 2000 and my first husband 3 years later to the day.

I do not believe either one of them went to hell.

Many who have lost loved ones this way experience the same feelings you describe and have thoughts of "joining" their loved one. These are difficult and must be dealt with but they do eventually get better or at least easier to deal with.

I have had dreams throughout the years - I don't know whether they were my mind dealing with the pain and loss and guilt or if they were messages from "beyond". I don't know that we should look for signs or dreams or messages - but some people do have things that occur that seem to be signs. My daughter asked God to show her a sign that her Dad was in heaven - she asked for a 4 leaf clover. The next day someone sent her a card with a 4 leaf clover in it. Coincidence? Maybe - maybe not - but it has given her comfort.

Please keep coming here and talking about your feelings and learning from the wisdom and comfort that is offered so generously in this forum.

Thinking about you there, jestersnow. :hug:

still thinking...

Let us know how you're doing there. I hope you have some good support in real time there with you and reach out when you need to do that. Even if it's just to help you with some practical things like grocery shopping, so you can concentrate on yourself getting stronger.

((Jestersnow)) I think you are going to be just fine. You sound good and like a very smart young woman! The pain of loss is so tough and it does take time to heal which is the really tough part. If the meds are good, then keep up with those and definitely keep with the counseling.

You are in our prayers too. :grouphug:

((jestersnow)) I am so sorry for the depth of your pain.... I too felt just as you are now. I know what that feels like. The best thing you can do to make sure these feelings do not, and can not consume you is to keep talking and sharing. I am proud of you that you have put voice to those thoughts!:hug:

Make sure you keep all of your appointments with your doctors, keep sharing with family and friends, and do know you are safe here and we will help in any way we can. Just keep swimming my friend :hug: Nikki