Emotional dependancy
 

Emotional dependency means getting one’s good feelings from outside oneself. It means needing to get filled from outside rather than from within. Who or what do you believe is responsible for your emotional wellbeing?



There are numerous forms of emotional dependency:

• Dependence on substances, such as food, drugs, or alcohol, to fill emptiness and take away pain.
• Dependency on processes such as spending, gambling, or TV, also to fill emptiness and take away pain.
• Dependence on money to define one’s worth and adequacy.
• Dependence on getting someone’s love, approval, or attention to feel worthy, adequate, lovable, and safe.
• Dependence on sex to fill emptiness and feel adequate.

When you do not take responsibility for defining your own adequacy and worth or for creating your own inner sense of safety, you will seek to feel adequate, worthy and safe externally. Whatever you do not give to yourself, you may seek from others or from substances or processes. Emotional dependency is the opposite of taking personal responsibility for one’s emotional wellbeing. Yet many people have no idea that this is their responsibility, nor do they have any idea how to take this responsibility.

What does it mean to take emotional responsibility rather than be emotionally dependent?

Primarily, it means recognizing that our feelings come from our own thoughts, beliefs and behavior, rather than from others or from circumstances. Once you understand and accept that you create your own feelings, rather than your feelings coming from outside yourself, then you can begin to take emotional responsibility.

For example, let’s say someone you care about gets angry at you.

If you are emotionally dependent, you may feel rejected and believe that your feelings of rejection are coming from the other’s anger. You might also feel hurt, scared, anxious, inadequate, shamed, angry, blaming, or many other difficult feeling in response to the other’s anger. You might try many ways of getting the other person to not be angry in an effort to feel better.

However, if you are emotionally responsible, you will feel and respond entirely differently. The first thing you might do is to tell yourself that another person’s anger has nothing to do with you. Perhaps that person is having a bad day and is taking it out on you. Perhaps that person is feeling hurt or inadequate and is trying to be one-up by putting you one-down. Whatever the reason for the other’s anger, it is about them rather than about you. An emotionally responsible person does not take others’ behavior personally, knowing that we have no control over others’ feelings and behavior, and that we do not cause others to feel and behave the way they do - that others are responsible for their feelings and behavior just as we are for ours.

The next thing an emotionally responsible person might do is move into compassion for the angry person, and open to learning about what is going on with the other person. For example, you might say, “I don’t like your anger, but I am willing to understand what is upsetting you. Would you like to talk about it?" If the person refuses to stop being angry, or if you know ahead of time that this person is not going to open up, then as an emotionally responsible person, you would take loving action in your own behalf. For example, you might say, “I’m unwilling to be at the other end of your anger. When you are ready to be open with me, let me know. Meanwhile, I’m going to take a walk (or hang up the phone, or leave the restaurant, or go into the other room, and so on). An emotionally responsible person gets out of range of attack rather than tries to change the other person.

Once out of range, the emotionally responsible person goes inside and explores any painful feelings that might have resulted from the attack. For example, perhaps you are feeling lonely as a result of being attacked. An emotionally responsible person embraces the feelings of loneliness with understanding and compassion, holding them just as you would hold a sad child. When you acknowledge and embrace the feelings of loneliness, you allow them to move through you quickly, so you can move back into peace.

Rather than being a victim of the other’s behavior, you have taken emotional responsibility for yourself. Instead of staying stuck in feeling angry, hurt, blaming, afraid, anxious or inadequate, you have moved yourself back into feeling safe and peaceful.
When you realize that your feelings are your responsibility, you can move out of emotional dependency. This will make a huge difference within you and with all of your relationships. Relationships thrive when each person moves out of emotional dependency and into emotional responsibility.

Oh Bizi...this is a great read. I can see me (in the past) as being so much like that....it was almost like reading something and thinking "Hey, how'd she know that about me" So so many people are just like that...it is like they are a slave to the process of being emotionally dependant on outside things....I think I even seemed to connect with either people like that as well or people that took advantage of seeing that in me. Happiness has to come from inside me...I may not be perfect but that is my own thing..the rest of the world will get on without me doting over it to gain some sort of false sense of respect and acceptance....I respect and accept myself for who I am...that is all that truly matters..it is a bonus when others feel that way about me too but certainly not a neccesity.
Hope you had a lovely Christmas Bizi! Happy New Year!!

Here's a link
 

Emotional Dependency or Emotional Responsibility

http://ezinearticles.com/?Emotional-...ility&id=22073

deserved another post...taking ownership
 

Whether giving or receiving therapy, this book reminds us that we are all humans -- nobody has all the answers.

1. This is it!
2. There are no hidden meanings
3. You can't get there from here, and besides, there's no place else to go
4. We are all already dying and we'll be dead for a long time.
5. Nothing lasts!
6. There is no way of getting all you want.
7. You can't have anything unless you let go of it.
8. You only get to keep what you give away.
9. There is no particular reason why you lost out on some things.
10. The world is not necessarily just. Being good often does not pay off and there is no compensation for misfortune.
11. You have the responsibility to do your best nonetheless.
12. It is a random universe to which we bring meaning.
13. You don't really control anything.
14. You can't make someone love you.

Gosh all 14 are so true.

I have been reminding myself of this lately. I have been trying to set
up trainings and things. And knowing I might not be at my best when they
happen makes it hard. But I decided to do the following:

1. I will not look for problems when setting up presentations. Only
wonderful programs to come.
2. When I'm one of the presenters I'm going to stop being upset when
I get sick and can't do my share through presenting. And find another
way.

These are good starts for me.

DOnna

Beth,
These things you list are depressing in a way. But I guess that is the point. They are also very freeing.
You can let go after reading them and see that there is no point in hanging on to old useless emotions.
M

Donna,
This is a good approach.
We can each be our own heroes --fixing our lives by letting go.
M.

looks like I was right.
beth

Well I know that you have sure helped me fix my life just by
listening and letting me think outloud.

So thanks for making realize that I was a emotional dependent
person too much.


DOnna

Bizi,
Take your time.
We didn't become who we are over night and we can't change overnight.

Try to enjoy the process of learning and changing while being patient and kind with yourself.

M.