Nikki
 

I thought about you this morning while watching an excellent program on PBS about caregivers and altzheimers. It was 2nd Opinion and I was hoping to find an audio link to it...http://www.pbs.org/secondopinion/epi...ase/index.html

After watching this I have an even greater appreciation of what you are going through...please know that we are here for you. :grouphug:

I'm with you Alffe. I'm a caregiver as well but what you have to face everyday with this disease that is taking your sweetheart away...its hard. My honey is melting away just in a slower and different way.

Love you so much Nikki! You know that and as Alffe said we will always be here for you!!:grouphug:

((Tammy)) ((Alffe))

Alffe, you said something that is ringing in my ears.. "let go....let God"

There reaches a point where there is nothing else one can do. I find, I have reached this place. I wonder if I can share something that is inside me. Something I am not proud of, but something I have had to face. It was well hidden until Christmas Eve when I thought for sure my Mom would not survive the night..................

I wanted to be with Mom!!!! But, who would care for Lynn? In my deep grief and fear over Mom, something came out of my mouth that still shocks me, but I know it is what my heart has truly felt since Dad took his life in March.

I said.... God forgive me..............

" My husband is dead, he has been gone for years! I am in love with a frigging ghost! I lost my Dad because I was so consumed in caring for this shell of my husband I wasn't able to be there to see Dad needed me.......... now my Mom is dying and I can't even be with her!!"

Something inside me died that day. I had faced the truth I was trying so hard to hide. I gave up the pretense that my husband was still here with me. This man that I love because he holds the soul to "MY Lynn" , is not the man I fell in love with. He is a stranger to me! "My Lynn" has been gone for so long I truly feel a widow.

I separated Lynn into two people to survive. "My Lynn, the ghost, who I would always hold in my heart and love till the day I die" and then .. the other Lynn.... who physically and emotionally abuses me every day, who doesn't know his children, who thinks I am his mom, who has stolen the man I love.

Right or wrong, I do blame this shell, this man- who took over my husband, for my Dad's death. Perhaps it is easier to have someone to blame. Perhaps it is unfair. But facts are facts. I have ALWAYS been the light in my Dad's life. I over everyone, could and always have been able to cheer him up, make him smile when he couldn't see through the dark.

I could not be there for Dad when he needed me the most. I will live with that until I draw my very last breath.

I am breaking, without a doubt. I have never been so deep in darkness in my entire life. I didn't know these depths even existed.

On top of this, I had another TIA stroke. There is irreversible damage this time. Not too bad, I AM ok.... but I may not be so lucky the next time. I was warned over and over that I had to place Lynn in a nursing home or this would happen...... Now it has. And now, I have to admit.. the time has come to place him.

The guilt, the pain is consuming me. I love him so much!!! Yet, he is already gone. I hate Alzheimer's with every fiber of my being!!! Such a cruel heartless disease.

Well, that was hard to share!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But, I have learned, only through sharing can I stop it from consuming me... to find the strength to face another day, to just keep swimming.

Love to all, and as always, thank you for giving me a safe place to share. :hug: Nikki

blinded by a few tears here dear Nikki. Oh the pain of "too much understanding".

"God forgive me?" There is nothing to forgive and in your heart you know this. He's been right there all along....he was with your dear dad in the snow. He has seen your struggles with Lynn. Let go..let God.

You are only one person who tries to be all things to all people. We love you for wanting to Nikki but are fearful of the consequences.

Please take better care of yourself. :hug:

Yes Nikki listen to Alffe mom!!! and my letter thingie is on its way. Take Care Of YOU PLEASE !!!!!!! Let God handle other things. like I am the one who should be :rolleyes: talking about God. sorry :o
PEACE
BMW

((((((Nik-key))))))

You sweet sweet woman. I am in tears. You amaze me with your strength, I am sure you don't feel very strong right now but I think you are.

I agree there is nothing to forgive.

Please take care of you.

Dottie :hug::hug:

(((Nik))) You are not guilty of any of the things that you think you are!

Such a difficult time for you, but I am so elated that you realize you have to take care of you too, for everyone's sake. Much love... :hug:

Nikki,
Your post brought tears to my eyes as well.... I see what alzheimers does to people every day i go to work and i have learned to hate it too.... You are right, You lost your husband long ago. I'm so sorry.
We lost one of our alzheimers residents new years eve. I was talking to his wife today as she was moving her things out of their room into her daughters house. Her name is Nadine. Nadine told me that when Rosco (her husband) was first diagnosed with alzheimers, that she decided right then that she would be his soul caregiver. it got to the point that she couldnt and that was when they moved to the place i work at. she said facing the fact that she could no longer do it by herself was so freeing. You are making the right decision with Lynn. Please find a place for him as soon as possible.
Your health is so important and trying to take care of Lynn, plus caring for your mom has taken its toll on you. We love you..... God loves you!!!!!! You are an amazing person. :hug:

Thank you all so much for your support :hug: These years with Alzheimer's .. well it is brutal. Lynn is declining fast ......:Sob: This is so hard for me to talk about... but I am so grateful to have friends I can share this particular pain with:hug:

Today.... I go to court to start the process for legal guardianship over Lynn. God give me strength. This is a man who would take a bullet for me!!! And now, well hell....... :Sob: I hate this disease with every fiber of my being! :hissyfit::hissyfit:

I find I can't see through the tears....... I will be back later. Love and hugs, Nikki :hug:

Nikki, I haven't known you for a long time. Yours and other's posts show that you are a very beautiful, wonderful, loving, caring, brave and compassionate person. Be strong. We love you. Hugs and doxie kisses