I don't feel right
 

Hi

Some background...
i tapered down from Zoloft for months before finally suspending it a few weeks ago. The reason for the taper was not an intent of suspension, but activation sx, which often do accompany fever when i am ill (in this case, when i had bronchitis for a long time.)

The last steps down brought on sleep disturbances (vivid, repetitious dreaming, nightmares, repeated awakenings and general poor quality sleep). All that has resolved.

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i now am just not right. I have a lot of stressors and i though i was dealing ok. But instead of settling down more, moodwise, i am getting more unsettled.

I am a bit concerned because spring (this time of year, specifically Feb-Mar) is historically a high-risk period for onset of a major depressive episode for me. So the timing of this "instability" is noteworthy, albeit not pure depression.

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Normally, the first thing to would be tweak my Zoloft, but as i no longer take it i can't tweak it! :Sigh:

Currently, all i take is Depakote ER and a long-acting but potent benzo. i'd rather not up the benzo but i have been padding with lorazepam sometimes when i am agitated/anxious to the point of insomnia. other times i have hypersomnia for several days and feel totally drained (yet still moody, labile, irascible... :hissyfit:)

Tomorrow i see my pdoc and will discuss with him possibly taking a higher dose of Depakote, perhaps for just six weeks or so... to cover my "vulnerable calendar time." Or going back on Lamictal for a while (suspended that over a year ago.)

I am not liking the Depakote idea much since 1000mg made me stupid. I now take 500. figure we could try 750. I don't know about the Lamictal since i never took it as monotherapy - always with another mood stabilizer plus the zoloft. so it is hard to say if it even did anything other than make me much more photosensitive.

Right now, if i had to self-evaluate objectively, i would say i am in a mild (subclinical) mixed state, with intrinsic rapid cycling but not clean cycling at all (a few days more on the upside, a few days more on the down side...but always mixed). The thing is, it may be subclinical by the DSM, but it is becoming clinically relevant as i find myself increasingly unable to get things done, even things i had started doing, and would like to see grow.

I am not liking this. i am liking it less and less. i am feeling so sick and tired of everything. everything is shaking me up one way or the other. i've seen myself in the mirror looking as though i've just seen a ghost. i go around making snyde remarks and snapping at my housemates :mf_argue: or biting my tongue just barely in time. laugh like a hooligan at stuff but get riled OR profoundly hurt in seconds over... any small thing.

like, right now? i am sitting here crying, upset over one housemate calling the other stupid... which happened this morning (over 12 hours ago). i was not even involved - i was pretending to sleep.

and no, i don't have PMS... not even close.

:hissyfit: :confused: :Bang-Head:

feedback welcome. support welcome. anything welcome. talk to me.

i will be checking back in.

:( ~ waves ~ :(

Dear Waves,
 

Waves,
This sounds awful.
I've got no med suggestions.
Except it does make sense to follow through on your first idea of raising the Depakote. Talk to the pdoc about that. If it doesn't work or you can't tolerate the side effects then you can go off that plan and go to another plan.

This first plan sounds obvious and easy and logical.
After you try it you will know if it is the right plan.

Mari

Waves can you take Ativan short term symptoms?
I have the Lexapro, but it helps to have the Ativan for days as you discribe. My chill pill to take of the edginess and shake off warding depression.
di

Oh waves, I am sorry you're having a hard time right now, I hope it gets better for you soon. I don't know much about cycling but I do know it's no fun, I have cycled between up and down, but it can happen in one day to me. Usually the depression s triggered by either Jack or Jackie, it's sad really, because Jack says he thinks I use BP II as an excuse to be a jerk, when that is so untrue, so we bump heads about it pretty frequently these days since I stopped abilify.

I don't know what will help you with your issues, anymore then I know what will help mine, but I do want you to know I'm here, listening and caring about you . :hug:

Take care hun. :)

((( Mari, Di, Pam )))
 

Hi you guys,

thanks for posting back.

Mari, my pdoc is good on many levels but one thing is he's not the real med genius kind... but very receptive to my suggestions = works *with* me not on me or above me and all that. that's why i kinda wanted to go in with plan a b c's to toss his way. well i guess there's really 2 options - increase depakote or add back lamictal that we can try... perhaps opt for increase depakote as plan a. as you point out, only need one plan as a starter. then see from there. one step at a time.

Di, i don't like to use lorazepam (which is Ativan) every day, especially not more than one... they are 2.5mg orosoluble. i have occasionally taken two, but really they are for acute anxiety/panic. if anything, better to raise dose of my other benzo (En = delorazepam n/a in US) has same potency as and is conjugated into lorazepam; howver it is very long-acting (like Valium) and gives a slow infusion of lorazepam. i didn't want to mess with the benzo levels at all due to the addictive aspect... i want eventually to taper off completely (NOTTTT now). using lorazepam daily for general sx would be more addictive than increasing En - because it would have sharper peaks and troughs.

but i will be mindful of your suggestion for now... perhaps i am being a bit too conservative. ward off depression, you say? hmmm. that is interesting. can be useful for anxious depression.

and i could revisit my resistance to increasing my En.... hmmm... how to broach this with pdoc.... see, benzo's are first line drugs here, dished out PRN. So... perhaps an open mention with a sour face to tip the scales "not in favor," and see if he proactively suggests an increase. he usually lets me manage it so if i propose an increase he will just nod... just confirm i can increase it if i want, which i know.

Now i have a whole hour to prep for pdoc visit. to he[[ with shower, hair and everything. i just need to get there today. that is only goal. get there. it don' matter if i cry on the bus. i will probably eat a pill before i go. yeah... one a dems lorazepams. on the other hand i'd rather he sees me messed up. but better less messed up than not at all. i don't know how we will do therapy. . i guess i better not think about that either.

Pam
That really sucks about your hubby claiming you use your illness as an excuse... especially what you're going through now. i will be curious to see if pdoc thinks i am still going through a "settling" period from suspending the Zoloft (after five years on it), even tho the taper was slow. Either that or he may want me back on it. with the agitation though, i'm not convinced that's the right answer. thanks for posting to me, Pam, it's good to know you're here for me... means a lot right now. :o

Ppl in RL do not GET IT. heck i don't even try to explain i just try to cover & compensate as much as i can... as always.

thanks you guys for responding. i much appreciate. :o :hug:

oh btw, DiMarie, your picture of DeAnne was sitting open on my puter, and she somehow inspired me to get my fold-out bed folded in... to help my mom "like the house better" and help myself feel less guilt and feel less of a waste of a human being. Like she somehow sent me energy... or your vision/painting of her did. Or both. She does radiate in that painting. TY for that too.

i cannot see thru tears now. i hope the endorphins kickin soon. l8r...

waves

Depakote screws up female hormones in women taking it.
It causes alot of hormonal upheavals. It could be the drug itself making you reactive.

Please check this site:
http://www.bipolarworld.net/Phelps/ph_2004/ph1223.htm

http://www.psycheducation.org/hormon...polycystic.htm

I wanted you to know I'm here for you. I'm soooo sorry I missed this yesterday.

I'll reply more here later or email. :hug:

Tears can be cleansing. We need that once in awhile.

<---monkey hands waves a box of tissues.

I wanted you to know I'm here too. I missed this yesterday too.

But sending hugs, and wishes that the doc listened and
you came up with a good plan.

Donna

Thinking of you too and hope your appt goes well.:grouphug:

It's my pleasure waves, you've been such a great friend to me when I saw your thread even though I don't feel right myself I had to post and offer my support. I wish I had the energy to keep up with everyone's posts, but it's gotten much busier in here, *hurray!* and it's not as easy as it once was to do that.

I hope that we both can find some understanding and support in the RL people around us soon, it's not fair to expect us to be a certain way when we're struggling with med changes. And that is NO excuse, it's a fact. :(


{{{{{hugs}}}}}}