Just need to talk to anyone who wants to read
 

I am having a heck of a time with everything here lately. The crutch that i am on for stability just doesn't seem like it is doing me any good. I think it is doing me more harm than good. My legs and feet hurt all the time and the longer I am on my feet my feet swell like balloons. Not only that but just the grasping is killing me. I have almost dropped the crutch so many times now that I lost count do to me not being able to grasp so well. I also have a bad hip and it is causing my hip to go out. My doc said I could use a cane or a walker. I thought about trying the cane but come up with the conclusion that I would have the same problems as I am with the crutch. So I went to wal-greens last night just to try one of their walkers with the four wheels and a seat. I could not believe the difference just that little switch would make. I didn't get it cause I can't afford it right now. It was $140 plus tax. I already spend over $800 in meds a month. Oh wait a minute I forgot since I am not working I am spending my hubbys money. Sorry about the remark but him and I got into a huge fight when he got home last night. All i wanted to do was Discuss with him what the difference it made and that we could save money from me going to the chiro everytime I turn around. He wouldn't let me finish and he got all mad at me and said how are we going to get it around the house and how can we afford it. I told him to let me finish and I told him that i wouldn't do anything cuz we can't afford it,but instead I will just be in pain and go to the chiro when I need to. He don't understand and doesn't want to. he is making feel like such a loser. He told me that we wouldn't have this house or the stuff in it if it weren't for HIM. We would still be in the dumpy trailor we used to live in. I asked him who is the one that tries to do everything around here and who is the one that has painted some of the walls in here( that is when I was in better shape than now)? He says who bought the paint and stuff for you to do it? I told him I will make sure I ask him if it is ok for me to do or buy things from here on out since he thinks he needs to control things. I did tell him that I was not afraid of him and he told that I should be. I told him I was never afraid of any man in my life and I will not start now so if you want to hit me go ahead if it makes you feel like a man but remember one thing you will have the cuffs slapped on your wrists the very same night so you better think long and hard. I got right in his face when I said that just so he understood that I am not afraid of him.I told him I am just so tired of fighting and feeling like I am the one dragging the family down. I just don't know how much longer I can do this.I am trying so hard but obviously not hard enough. I just got a call from him and I am sitting here crying again because we got into another arguement. I told him that I wasn't going to fight anymore and I would hang up if he didn't stop. I already feel like a huge loser that can't do anything right. I know I shouldn't say this but I feel like I just want to die so I quit bringing the family down. I can't keep doing this it is literally ripping me apart. What more can I do? I don't even know if he really wants this marriage to work cuz of what he said last night. When i told him if he just wanted me to leave i would it that would make his life easier but my daughter was going with me.He told me that I make it sound so easy to just go and be done with it. He says its not that easy for him if I stay he has to pay for everything for me and if I go he still has to pay for everything for me until we get this whole court thing done with wc.So he loses either way. All I can think is he is tired of being with me but feels that he has no choice at the moment. What do you guys think? What am I suppose to do? I didn't ask to get this but i still feel like all of this is MY fault. I am tired of all the pain and the fighting. I just want to end it all,but I won't because I need to be here for my daughter. I love her more than anything in the world and will be here for her as long as I possibly can. Its just sometimes hard to continue living a life like this and keep moving on. How do you all do it? I don't know anymore. Can anyone help me? I just keep feeling like I am sinking further and further to the bottom of the ocean. Please help!
Very sadly yours,
Tracy Tracy(screwballpookie)

Tracy, It doesnt sound like your the problem but not having the support of your husband is. Do you see a counselor because if you dont you need to & immediately if you can. It can help so much. Everyone needs someone to talk to. Having a uninvolved thrid party can be eye opening. No one deserves to be controlled or to be treated like you are. You cant giveup & not just for your daughter but for yourself. I know its hard. Everyday is hard. I cant even promise you that its gets easier because you may always have days that feel harder than others. But some things just make it worth it. Of course our children our one of the main reasons. But we have to believe we have things we have been left here to do. We may not figure them out but it helps on those bad days. If you still love your husband maybe write him a letter telling him so & all the reasons you still love him. Maybe that will open a door to his heart and start some nice communication between you. Tell him how much you need him. Maybe he is acting out because he is scared. Men do strange things when things are out of their control. He cant fix you so is angry & taking it out on you. Its possible. If this is the way he has always been I wouldnt bother. I would find a way out for me & my daughter because now he has more control over of you than ever. Take care & whatever you do dont give up. You have friends who care what happens to you.
Hugs, Denny

ITA.

Maybe you could try and figure out why your meds cost $800? What kind of health care plan do you have? Maybe you could change that resulting in less financial pressure. Do you have any control over that?

Has your husband forgotten the "for better or worse" part and the fact that you are a family, and that you are in this together, not apart? It's not a me and you thing, it's a marriage. There needs to be a bond higher than what you are both "contributing" to the marriage. That's supposed to be what a marriage is. Besides, you are not responsible for your illness. I'd remind him of that. The least you can expect is tender loving "care", not this CRAP.

Hi Denny,
I want to thank you for replying so quickly. Yes I do have a psychiatrist and I see her once every 2 weeks. That does help, but I am still really struggling with everything. My husband always asks me when I am going to see my fruit loop doctor and I tell him every time he asks. I don't know if it is him having to work all the time and me not doing much because of all the pain I am enduring or what. I have offered to print a simple bit of info off the computer for him to read and maybe try to get him to understand some of what rsd does to a person and all he says is "All you ever want to do is have me read,read ,read."So he really doesn't seem interested in what my disease is doing to me.I am sorry it just doesn't seem fair. I try to help him understand what I am going through but he just doesn't want to listen. How can I get him to listen so maybe he could understand a little better? I am so tired of fighting. I try to tell him that we can't go back to the past and fix what happened. What happened it done and over with and we can't look into the future because we can't predict the future, but we need to look at the here and now and deal with things one day at a time. He tells me he can't he HAS to look in the future but never tells me why. I am trying to get through to him the best way i know how but am struggling like crazy. I think I will try to write him a letter and see what that does. All I can say is I keep my fingers crossed. I do love him.I put him and my daughter before myself always. They both mean the world to me and I told him that last night but he didn't seem to care all he says is I didn't ask you to do that. So see what I am going up against. One thing I did mean is that I am not afraid of him. I used to get hit around by my father when I was younger but I still stood my grounds and I will continue to do that til the day I die. I keep trying but a person can only do so much before they say to heck with it and just give up.
Thanks again. YOu take care and hope to talk to you soon.

Sincerely yours,
Tracy

hi tracy, u sure r dealing with a lot of issues kiddo, quite overwhelming. i just want to say YOU ARE NOT A LOSER!! IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT YOU HAVE HEALTH CHALLENGES! if u were a loser then all of us here would be too and i'm absolutely certain u dont think thats true. sometimes when we cant get what we need/want from someone else its time to give it to ourselves. so what i'm going to suggest is just for u to consider, if it sounds foolish or doesnt resonate with u no harm done.

GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK! GIVE YOURSELF SOME COMPASSION! just for a moment try to imagine the little girl inside u, the one u once were, and see how hard she tries her best to make life work and how much she cares about others. if she were beside u rite now dealing with all this termoil wouldnt u feel empathy and deep compassion for her? wouldnt u tell her to stop beating up on herself and its not all her fault?

u r a brave couragous lady doin the very best she can with what shes been dealt. u deserve loving support, u deserve comfort, u deserve understanding, if u cant get it 'out there' then go inside and imagine for a moment how good it would feel to be held and told it will all be ok. give urself an internal hug, feel the love in ur heart and know u r worthy of all the good life has to offer.

it will be ok, u will get thro this, u will find ur way to the other side of this confusing, soul draining challenge. love urself enuf to recognise all that u have done so far to survive.

sending u the gentlest of hugs

Hi Marleen,
Thank you for being there so quickly. I really appreciate it. I have no health insurance. Ever since I got hurt on the job,lost my job, and got rsd I can't get health insurance. No one will cover me even if it were to put a rider on my rsd cuz wc is suppose to be paying for everything that pertains to my rsd but they have renigged on the settlement and we are back fighting them. The first time it took 4 yrs. to finally come to an agreement. I am now in my 2nd year of fighting for what we already settled on. So until we can get wc to court we have to pay for everything and just keep turning in the receipts. We will eventually get reimbursed its just not knowing when. It has been real difficult around here.because of this mess.
I have been trying to tell him that I didn't know that this was a you vs. me deal now. It never used to be. I even asked him what happened.All he can say is I don't know.I am trying to get social security disability right now as well to try and help the finances out. I have been denied 4 times, I got an attorney to try to help me appeal it and social security said we were 5 days late at appealing so we have to start all over. I had a phone call from them the other day asking me if I had a follow up appmnt. from my EMG and i told them that I was goingj jto see a neurologist on May 4. She said that that is a little longer than she had hoped but she will wait to see what the results come out about that. By the way I am trying to get my right side diagnosed as well as my lower legs from my knees to my feet diagnosed. I have a feeling it is the rsd spreading but I can't get my family doc to commit to it. The last comment that came out of his mouth when I asked him what he thought might be going on is, "I think it is a progression of the disease, whatever that may be." I have no other diseases unless you want to count PTSD. So what are your thoughts on all of this? Am I just crazy?
Thanks again for being there and caring. Take care and hope to talk to you soon.

Sincerely yours,
Tracy

Hi Miatri,
I am so glad that you responded. I never thought of that idea either. Sometimes though the little girl i use to be wasn't a very nice girl. I was always put down no matter what I did was never right. I guess I just have to not think about that little girl and just think about the one that had all the determination in the world to make her parents proud of her(which she never did) but I have to remember the determined little girl. I want to thank you so much for giving me that idea. I will also give that a try.
Also I do not think everyone on here is a loser. I love everyone on here. You all know how to make a person feel better about themselves. You are all so wonderful. I am so glad I found this website. It is the best thing I ever did. Thank to all! You all are so wonderful. But you know one thing that doesn't make me stop putting myself down sometimes. Sometimes life really does stink and there is not a darn thing I can do about it.
Thank you again for the suggestion. You are great. Take care and hope to talk to you soon.

Sincerely yours,
Tracy

Tracy,

You are a very strong woman and don't let anyone tell you different. Sometimes our dh can really make and ***** of themselves. There are times when dh is such a jerk. I know mine is. When he gets like that I just go back to bed and get on the computer. I have found that it is better to ignore him then to argue with him. Just remember we are here for you.

Hugs
Mary
:grouphug:

Hi Tracy,

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. RSD does change relationships. You have to admit it has changed you. It's no fault of your own you didn't ask for this horrible condition. It puts a great deal of stress on relationships. Your husband see's you hurting and he knows he can't help. He is probably frustrated about the strain health care cost put on a family's budget. He is reacting to the situation and taking his frustration out on you. Something you don't need. It only gets your anxiety level up and in turn increases your pain.
You are two people under a great deal of stress. Sit down and talk LISTEN to each other.
If you don't have a personal relationship with God. Now is the perfect time he is only a prayer away. Once you ask him into your heart all of life's troubles get worked out.
No one can make you feel like nothing unless you let them. You are someone special God doesn't make junk!!!
Take care,
Sherrie

Your message broke my heart. I know counseling is more money and although it sounds like a lot of the fights seem to be about money, that's ususally just an easier thing to fight about rather than what the underlying reason is. He sounds very resentful but maybe that's just a cover up for feeling insecure about being able to take care of his family and no matter what we promise during our wedding ceremony, we don't know what life is going to throw at us; it makes those times easier when each can be suportive of each other but there may be some thought that this wasn't how it was supposed to be and fear. It could be his upbringing that the man works and so it's his money. In my last marriage money seemed to be the problem...my money was his and his money was his, but the reality was his inability to handle finances (I ended up payings hundreds and hundres in overdrafts) that he just blew off, but there were bigger unlaying problems but it was easier to argue over something that seemed so tangible. Do you have anyone to talk to, who recognizes the amazing person you are and emotionally support you. The stress has to also be ascerbating your RSD which then may necessitate additional medical visits and costs. We had a nurse where I work who was horrendously disfigures in a house fie. She did a video to her congressman as her Social Security Disability had also been denied. He stepped in and very soon after was approved. Our children are our blessing and I know exactly how she keeps you alive. I wanted to die when we left my first husband having to move 3000 miles across the country to survive, then I was a victim of an intruder rape, followed by loss of my job and everything we owned. That all just in a 10 year period, but taking care of my son gave me the strength to go on and now with RSD, he still is a reason to keep going. Keep writing when you need to, we'll listen and at least let you know we care. ONE MOEMENT CAN CHANGE EVERYTHING!