I know why I have no One
 

I cried in my session with my Domestic Violence counselor today. Over all the years of emotional battering from my husband and his family I stopped being diplomatic and started reacting to people with an attitude like I was treated.

I remember almost a couple of years ago making a post saying that I was taking after my husband some for having a smart mouth and I didn't like it. I never had a chance to change that since I was still in such an explosive relationship with my husband. After my husband and I split, there it was still there in me. I had forgot what I had become. On one hand I'm extra nice to make new friends and they take advantage of that extra effort on my part or the ones who do want to be nice to me, I alienate them with my attitude problem.

What hurts is that for 3 years I tried to tell my family, the case managers and therapists at the mental health clinic, and some friends that I was being emotionally abused and that I felt like it would esculate. No one would listen to me. I was made to feel like like I had no merit at all from almost everyone in my life. This has turned me sour at times. The physical abuse started last year in September and got worse and worse.

So I have alienated a lot of the people in my life and that is why I have hardly any friends. If anyone feels like they are being abused, they should just get out asp. Emotional abuse I believe is the worst. The bruises go away but the emotional scars linger.

befuddled2

Dear Befuddled,
This is very sad.
Also, it's a shame that no on listened to you before.
Please remember that it is not your fault that you changed while you were married. People adjust under terrible circumstances in order to survive.

I am glad that you have a DV counselor who is helping you.
You are in the beginning a new stage.

Keep posting.
Mari

It sounds very hard...
 

Dear Befuddled,
I am sorry that this is so hard on you...it is hard work and will take alot of effort to change your behavior....and how to be different.
Please don't be too hard on yourself...identifying a particular behavior as undesireable is a great start to learning what an appropriate response is. You will be relearning things as you go along healing....recreating you!

Crying is really a good thing.
They say it is cathartic, a cleansing, and can help you heal.
If you need a shoulder to cry on I am here as we are all here for you.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Surviving doesn't mean that it wasn't hard. Surviving means you had to do something VERY hard to be where you are today.

I am so sorry you hurt.

But, like bizi says; here comes the next part of your life. The part where you get to be you again. The real you.

Thank you Mari, Bizi, and Mrs. Bear.

After I made this post I wanted to dig a hole and bury myself. It is hard to bear my soul but it is very helpful as all of you are so supportive. You all are right, the next part is the making of my new life.

My DV counselor and I also discussed what I was to do during the Holidays after my trip to the nursing home. She suggested I call my church and ask for a ride to church Christmas Eve since I have night blindness. I called a old friend who passed away in 1974, his father-in-law today who lost his wife and my friend last year. He is so lonely like I am. I should go see him over the Holidays. He does have one daughter with him and his grandson. I may buy him something for Christmas for the family like cookies or something and give them to them for Christmas. He's on the way home from the nursing home so it would not be out of my way. I'd love to hear him tell stories of the ones who have passed on that I knew.

befuddled2

BF - I can sure relate. But part of the healing process as mentioned, is finding yourself again. I cry a lot too, but it is a good release.

As the days approach the holidays, I have a sick feeling, had nightmares/dreams last night of my husband. Woke up feeling depressed and very emotional.

I wish I had the answers, all I do is keep going to DV counseling, keep taking my meds, and hope and pray one day this is all behind me. I don't know how long it lasts, it's different for everyone.

Sounds like you have a good plan for the Holidays are that is real important, it's great you are going to be with people too.

Lots of Hugs and Hope, Nikko

Dear Befuddled ....

I want you to know that I, too, have been where you are. And it is true that there are still so many people, even (unfortunately) mental health professionals that do not understand and cannot identify emotional battering which is just as much abuse as the physical stuff. Actually, I think it is far more damaging.

And do know that it is COMMON -much more common than you might imagine- for Vicims to eventually, when there is no understanding, no help, seemingly no way out, to start to become, to model your behaviors, on the abuser. It is how kids are who grow up being beaten -- they too often learn to beat.

Psychological/mental abuse can cause PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) like battelefield soldiers and prisoners of war get. It actually causes a lot of changes in your personality, a different way of reacting to the world.

But you used to be different. You have not always been this way. You have memories of the old you... and while you will never be the identical person again, you can recover. Take full advantage of all the therapy and ADs you can, and do exactly what you are doing in regards to planning for Christmas, reaching out to others.

I have great hopes for you -- you are a smart and insightful woman.

Teri

Thank you Nikko and Terri,

Nikko, I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

Terri, thank you for your very knowledgeable response.

befuddled2

Big Hugs
 

Thank you Di,

I love all you guys too. I was without a computer for 5 days and since my old keyboard was messing up my computer, my older brother bought me a new one. It is so very hard though to type on it. :(

Merry Christmas All.