To try to reconnect or to try not
 

This has probably been the hardest year since Sam's death. This is the ten year mark and it has been soooooo hard.

For me one of the worst things is not having anyone to talk to who can remember him with me.

So I sent a message to his best friend, I don't know if I'll hear back and I don't know what I'll hear if I do...

I had left Sam about 2 months before he took his own life. His friends blamed me, at least some of them did.

I haven't talked to any of them since he died. This friend was the last one I talked to. I asked him if he wanted to help me pick out the head stone, he did that was the last time I saw him.

I just wish I had some one who knew Sam to talk to about him, some times I wonder if any one else remembers him.

I miss him so much. Despite the bad things that led to our seperation.

I was 23 years old and I had been with him for 10 years, and I'm tired of feeling like I don't have a right to miss him because I left him before he died.

If he had not taken his own life I would be allowed to miss him along with the rest of them, but because I left him and then he killed himself I was shut out of grieving him with other people.

I'm tired of grieving him alone.

But do I try again if he doesn't respond or do I accept that I'm supposed to grieve alone and have no one to talk to about Sam who also knew him.

AAHHHHHHH:mad:

Ten year mark...that's hard ckepi, especially if you haven't come to "grips" with those old guilt feelings. I think the most important thing you can do for yourself is to remember the Sam had a life. The way he died is only a small part of the person that was Sam.

People move on...I don't believe they forget people they cared about but suicide is an "uncomfortable" subject...and a lot of people just don't "get it".

I'd like to hear about your Sam. :grouphug: