I'm quite confused. in denial? or hiding? or...
 

Hi, sorry , this might end up being a bit of a ramble but I don't know who else to ask.
It's been 5 months since my dx and every other day I think of another reason why I shouldn't stick a needle into myself, though I always go through with it. I'm thinking there's actually nothing wrong with me???? am I back to how I was before??? on a good day, yes I am.

Then I get a 'bad' day. What makes it a bad day?? what's the difference? why can't i dig the garden, ride the horse, run, stay up late, remember things, think, concentrate, walk for long, be happy....

Why am I slower? why does my leg twitch? why does my side 'pull'? why do i see 4 horses when i know i only have 2? why is my leg aching so much i want to thump it? why does my ear itch???

Or am I just giving into this crap? am I being a drama queen? when i don't go to work cos i know i can't walk the distance or stay on my feet for 8 hours am i just pretending? kidding myself? giving in?
Is this the excuse i've wanted not to work? or am i seeking permission to be sick? from who?

and the future terrifies me. i read the newsletter thread and the fact that blah blah percent of rrms turn into secondary in 10 years. well that sucks!!

I'm scared. i'm twitchy and i don't know why. i'm feeling thick. there's not much going on in my head. and i can't remember stuff.

WHY???? what makes one day ok and the next shocking??? what happens if i stop the Beta??
Stop the ride; i want to get off.:(

sorry. i'm not sure what i'm asking from you. i'm frustrated. and probably bored.

(My business plan is full steam ahead by the way; going well)

ME! :p


I swear, everytime i sit in the chair beside my neuro I ask "are you SURE I have MS?" I hear about all these folks dragging a leg, wheelchair bound, sick, full of clear cut signs, and then, there is me. For the most part I am ok. I am doing well, until some sort of a flair hits. It doesnt last long, and I have only done the IV steroids once due to ON. I would refuse it for anything other than my eyes anyway.

He said "you just described RRMS!" drat drat drat! I dont want this.

What Dej said, Pud's... and hopefully the shots are keeping you there.

Feel better soon..:hug:

Pud all RRMS does not turn into SPMS in 10 years for everyone. That is a fact. :hug:

That said, everyone has good and bad days, whether they have MS or not. Some may have another disease/disorder. Normal (meaning non-MS) people have bad days too. It's life my friend. Sometimes it's a beach! :rolleyes:

What I do is sort of denial.. I mean, I can write about MS, talk about it, read about it, see films or discuss it openly, but I don't put myself in the box.

Like:
|MS|
I try to forget about it. I can't wake up every morning wondering what will be working or not each day. That would drive me up a wall. I used to do that but found it so stressing. I had to learn to turn the thoughts off, even with whatever the day brings. It will bring it anyway, so why stress about it.

I know you are new to this, but if you start trying this out early it might help your well being. It is hard to stop thinking about MS but put it somewhere in your mind out of reach. A special box. You can retrain your brain. Remember you are, what you think you are. Think positive as hard as you can.

I hate to sound all knowing, because I am far from that. I just try to help where, when, and who I can, if at all possible, from having MS so long. I have had a very bumpy road believe me, W/C at times included.

I hope you can understand I wish you the very best with your crapola symptoms and bad days, but don't think the worst, it may not ever happen. Even the worst PWMS, hit plateaus and go no further in the disease process. :hug:

Pet your beautiful horses and think wonderful thoughts. All animals help heal people, in mind and body.

Your last written line sounds very positve to me.:) Good news!


.

Thank you, as always.

It's not like I sit around dwelling on things. In fact I forget often. and then the thought hits me when i least expect it, like a wave of hot panic that jolts me awake from my life, a flush of adrenaline along with fear. I remember the same feeling as a teenager when I got dumped by a bad first boyfriend; waking up with a sense of panic.

I do enjoy my life. i have my gorgeous animals who are far happier hooning around the field than carrying me around and my krazy kats hogging the bed.

and when I get the business running, i will once more feel a sense of purpose. I think that's what I'm lacking. no children, no easy job, no purpose. just struggling and calming my frantic mind of all this.

I am new to this, i realise it's still sinking in (if i like to admit it or not).
I'm still sure there's been a mistake.
I am still wobbly on the leg today though...so maybe there's something... :)