[LisaM]

Kinda sorta just talking this thru for myself...and maybe for others, too...cuz sometimes if we talk to ourselves "out loud" others can gain info as well.

I don't know about you all, but there are times my doctor will ask me, "WHEN EXACTLY does it hurt? What are you doing when it hurts?" And I just can't answer, cuz frankly, I don't pay that much attention to my pain. All I know is that it HURTS. Not when, or after what activity...especially if it comes on an hour or so after stopping the activity.

But...since having my accident, and now having to drive a rental car, something has "dawned" on me...and I was laying in bed last night rummaging thru my brain thinking of some things and a realization hit me.

My RSD is in both hands, but on my left side, it stays in my hand. On my right side it proceeds up my arm, into my chest. People ask me all the time "how can you work with this disease, especially if it requires typing all day?" And some people are even jealous of that fact, and become angry with me because I can and they can't. Sad, but true. I met a woman at my stepfather's mom's funeral who has it in her foot, and she actually got a look on her face like she was angry/jealous all at the same time when I told her I work. But...last night it dawned on me. The sensitivity ISN'T in my fingertips anymore. Originally it was, but thru my OT we worked very diligently on that specific area with the desensitization. Those darned bowls of rice, then proceeding to hiding marbles in the bowls of rice, etc. I started out testing on the typing there, not even being able to stand to touch my fingertips to the keyboard. Then, it got better. Sure...LOTS of typos...but I could touch them. And, where I work...I've been here 9 years. We are a very, very small shop, with only be, the boss and one coworker. I'm in the office alone. All I do for typing is shippers, which I turn into invoices with one click of a button and adding a price. Once a week I do some paychecks. I don't do a lot here at all. And my boss is like a second father to me. He's very understanding. But I know if I ever left here, and went to a more fast paced office, I woudln't be able to do it. My filing here is piled up. There is a year's worth sitting on the filing cabinet. He's NOT tolerant of that...so i do a little at a time. Generally, the other stuff I do on the computer is here...and at my own website. And I can take my time. The rest, surfing the net, is moving my mouse. No big deal.

So...I stopped and thought that there is NO sensitivity in my fingerTIPS, but there IS in the rest of the fingers, as well as in the rest of the inside of the hand. But, as they teach in the desensitization, once you lay the affected limb on a material, and leave it there, eventually the pain subsides. Your body becomes used to it. It isn't painful anymore. So my mouse is okay.

But...I DON'T do my own housework. I need help showering, getting dressed, washing my hair, and all that fun stuff. Some days I can't hold a fork to save my life. Doing my hair is hard...VERY hard. I realized I have a problem with "gripping" cuz the spasms come in the center of my hands. If anything touches there, like the handle of a brush, fork, even gripping a pen to write (it's easier for me to type), steering wheel, etc., it's BAD. So...think about cleaning a home. It's not the same open-handed, loose, curled fingered motion as typing is.

I noticed when I try to lay my hand FLAT...it hurts, cuz the center of my palm is stretched...and thats those tendons that are getting tight, that's where the spasms are.

In my truck, I drive with my wrists. My steering wheel is perfect for that - I slip my hands thru the wheel, and use my wrists to drive. But this rental car doesn't have a steering wheel like that...so this has been a very painful week cuz i've had to grip the wheel when I drive. This morning took me 2 hrs to get to work cuz of snow (but the roads were clear...ppl just drive like idiots). So I hurt REALLY bad this a.m. I may be lucky I can work...but I'm UNLUCKY that I can't take the meds I can take to ease these spasms (cuz falling asleep at my desk at work wouldn't be a good thing - nor would it be to fall asleep during a 1.25 to 2 hr commute).

So I guess what it comes down to is...yes, I'm lucky to work. No, I'm NOT cuz it causes my pain to go up and down, and limits my ability to be able to treat that pain in the right way. Also, I'm not able to hold my hands the way I need to when in pain, in order to get that pain to subside. And, yeah, I work...but I don't clean my own home cuz by the time I get home, I'm in so much pain I don't do anything but cry...so my family is burdened to do it for me. I can't cook cuz the heat from the stove hurts my hands too much. Just stirring noodles or veggies in a pot makes my hands hurt and swell and burn terribly. So what good am I at home? I'm more good at work! But if I didn't work at work, would I be more good at home? I don't know. I know if I do too much, I'm also no good. But since work is so laid back most days, what IS "too much?"

PT told me NOT to hold my hands curled, but to hold them flat to prevent the tendons from shortening. They also tell me people do better when they work. But my work requires my fingers to be curled, and being curled FEELS BETTER. Yet curled isn't good. So which is REALLY right, ya know? How can I do "better" when working, if curled hands is bad...and my work requires my hands to be curled? Double edged sword? CAtch 22? I dunno....not asking either...just musing but you can answer if ya want.

Anyway...just spouting off.....just musing I guess....Hope you all are having a great day. Mine is kinda yucky. But...I'll get over it I'm sure.