An easter joke - what nationality was Jesus?

There are 3 good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
(1) He went into his fathers business
(2) He stayed home until he was 33
(3) He thought that his mother was a virgin

But there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an African American:
(1) He loved gospel
(2) He called everybody brother
(3) and there was no way that he could get a fair trial

Then again, there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian :
(1) He had wine with every meal
(2) He spoke with his hands
(3) and his mother thought that he was God

And 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish :
(1) He never got married
(2) He was always telling stories
(3) He loved green pastures

And then 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was from Queensland :
(1) He never cut his hair
(2) He walked around barefoot all the time
(3) He started a new religion

As well as 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was American Indian:
(1) He was at peace with nature
(2) He ate a lot of fish
(3) He spoke about the great spirit

However ...... the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus
was a woman -
(these arguments may also be used to prove he was an Army
cook) :
(1) He fed a crowd at a moments notice when there was no food
(2) He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just
didn't get it
(3) And even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was work
to do.

All the best

An email a friend sent me, man ROFL!!

The Purina Diet

I have a Labrador Retriever. I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog: (DUH!)

On impulse, I told her no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. But that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!!!!

Have you ever felt guilty of thinking how ugly people are for their age?

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new Dentist when I noticed his DDS plaque on the wall with his full name on it.
I rememberd a tall, dark, and handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 odd years ago. Upon seeing him I quickly discarded any such thought that this balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face had been my classmate. HMMMM or could he???

After he examined my teeth I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. Yes, he gleemed with pride.

When did you graduate, I asked.

He answered in 1959. Why do you asked?

You were in my class, I exclaimed.

He looked closely at me and that ugly S O B asked, " What class did you teach?'

I woulda socked him right in that ugly face

.................................................. ...............................

A Short Love Story


A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good, " she replied. "Get your own f'ing blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted loudly, rolled over and went back to sleep.

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills.

One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."

Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"

.................................................. .................................................. ..

This customer must have RSD

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry.

So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

Two blondes had locked themselves out of their car. One was standing there fiddleing with the keys trying to get the door unlocked when the other one said, " Hurry up, it's starting to rain and the top is down.

A blonde was trying to tell this polock joke to a priest when the Priest stopped her and said, you do know I'm polish don't you.

The blonde then asked, Would you like for me to tell it slower?

Remember when...??? Although this is about growing up in the US, it applies almost identically to old Brits!

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED
The 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

I didn't get a BB gun when I turned 10. Was this child abuse? Anybody know a good lawyer?

A Priest lost his pet rooster and couldn't find it no matter how many times he checked around his Parish. Frustrated, he decided to bring it up during his Sunday Mass.

From the pulpit, he asked loudly, "Anyone got a cock?"

All the men inside the Church stood up!

"No, I mean, has anyone seen a cock?"

All the women inside the Church stood up!

"No, no, no...what I mean is...has anyone seen MY cock?"

All the nuns stood up!

Jeez, Allen, have you gone mad? Did you drop some of that brown acid that people have been warning us about since 1969? It really is a bad trip. Pay attention.

Are you trying to start a religious was between Catholics and Protestants that would make the Shia/Sunni thing appear, by contrast, to be nothing more than a dispute between neighbors over who has to pull the weeds between the stick thingies in those picket fences that clutter that entire country?

Is that your purpose? Well, it's working.

Soon, brazillions of Americans will die because of your intemperate words. We're talking about old people. We're talking about children. We're talking about babies. We're talking about hot little teen-age girls.

Allen, come back from the edge. Reach out and grab the pole of reality I'm holding out to you. I'll pull you back. It's probably too late to save your immortal soul. but I think we can still salvage something from the dreck that you've become.

Your former friend...Vic