I know Im pathetic :p

Why I fired my Secretary.
 

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday.

"I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! "

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we ?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?"

She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.


She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there... on the couch... …………naked.

That's a good one Allen.

Female Hormones in Beer.

Yesterday Scientist in the US revealed that beer contained traces of female hormones.
To prove their point they fed 100 men 12 pts. of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

I probably shouldn't post this here, but this is an RSD forum, and what I'm about to relate has nothing to do with RSD, so where else can I put it?

MI-5, Britain's CIA, has just announced that Al-Qaeda is suddenly overwhelmed with a spin control problem that may threated their entire Spring offensive in Afghanistan.

It appears that someone violated the Islamic rules about calling out the dead, performing a seance to put a grieving mother in touch with her late, suicide bomber son. He spoke with her and gave some alarming news:

According to reliable sources, he told her he had seen the 72 virgins, and that they appeared to be very young, but they were alll fat and ugly. No ****! How else would they have stayed virgins for 1200 years?

While there are no specific numbers, it is reported that volunteers for martyr missions are getting harder to find...

Blonde Kidnapper
 

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom.

She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note. I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7AM.

Signed, The Blonde.

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.


The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note.

Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

Actual newspaper ads from around the country
 

Wont let this topic fall off the page LOL. :winky:


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single
Bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat .. Been out a while.
Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE :

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes
Excellent condition
$1,000 or best offer
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything

Stress relief that really works
 

Just in case you have a rough day here is a stress management technique recommended in the latest Psychological Journal.

Just follow the seven steps below. This really does work.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding under water.

See, it really works.

You're smiling.

A man screwed up and forgot to give his wife an anniversary gift, or even mention that he remembered it.

His justifiably upset wife was not in a forgiving mood:

"When I go outside to pick up the newspaper in the morning, there better be something in the driveway that goes from zero to 200 in three seconds" she told him, "Otherwise, you better hide".

The next morning she went outside and there it was: A bright shiny-new scale.

Oh man he better hide for sure then!