I first heard this joke in 1967 and knew instantly that it is one of the best three jokes I have ever heard. I still think of it that way today, even though it is a total metaphor for my life. I still laugh, but now I laugh through the tears.

Mr Jones had worked hard for the company and was finally rewarded with a promotion and bump in salary. He bought a new car, the first NEW car he had ever bought. He was driving to the insurance company when a gust of wind blew a newspaper over his windshield.

After the firemen extricated him from the car; after looking at what had once been a $28,000 dream come true and was now litter that he had to pay to have it removed, Jones shrugged: "It's only a car" he told himself.

He knew the smoldering pile of wood was his house even before the taxi dropped him off. He wandered around, kicking rubble and charcoal out of the way once in a while, then noticed the note pinned to the front door. It was charred but readable:

"Dear Jones; while you were busy with that damn company and your career, I met a man who cares about me. I'm taking my kids with me. Sincerely; your ex-wife, Mrs Jones (soon to be Smith)."

Jones shrugged. "I'm only 45, I can build a new life" he told himself.

He took his share of the insurance payout and bought a desert island. No more cars, wives, children, jobs; life would be good.

During the next 15 years, Jones learned everything there is to know about crops that grow on islands. He had the best fruit and vegetables south of Hawaii, and ships would regularly drop anchor and but stuff.

Jones was making tons of money, but he hadn't thought of building a bank on his island so the best he could do was stash the money under the bed. The pile got so high he ended up buying a bunk bed.

Then one dark morning the biggest typhoon to ever hit the Pacific Ocean chose his island. Yup, when Jones came to, he was floating in the water and there was no land anyplace. His island had sunk.

After swimming 9 miles, Jones finally dragged his body onto a beach. Spitting out sand, salt water and seaweed, Jones looked up at Heaven.

"Why?" He asked. "Why me? Why always me?"

The sun reappeared from behind a cloud; rays of sunbeams splashed his body as he lay there.... Then a VOICE

I DUNNO JONES....THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT YOU THAT ****** ME OFF.

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing a trip the moon. When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give the astronauts a message to deliver to the Moon. Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously, but he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
An official government translator was summoned. After HE finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:
"Watch out for these assholes. They've come to steal your land."

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

"Cindy, you have sinned."

Have you ever heard that a dog "knows" when an earthquake is about to
hit?

Have you ever heard that a dog can "sense" when a tornado is stirring
up,even twenty miles away?

Do you remember hearing that, before the December tsunami struck
Southeast Asia, dogs started running frantically away from the seashore, at
breakneck speed?

I'm a firm believer that animals - and especially dogs - have keen
insights into the Truth.

And you can't tell me that dogs can't sense a potentially terrible
disaster well in advance.

Simply said, a good ol' hound dog just KNOWS when something isn't
right

when impending doom is upon us . . .

What makes these so sad is that Mobil/Exxon declared a $26 Billion dollar profit this year

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Here is round two! The scary part is this will make a lot of things prices go sky high, not just fuel. It is really a cryin shame!

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OH my goodness!! I am LOL so hard over here!! I just now read all of your jokes and they are all so funny!! thanks for the laughs!! I needed these today!! LOL Love, Desi

This video is priceless! Old lady versus fast car - let's hear it for this amazing woman!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWTieYeVtfc
all the best

Oh, my Artist! I am so hard here, I almost peed my pants! Thank you for this! so very funny!! Love, Desi

What do you call a date with a brunette ? ............................................



Brown bagging it.


What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes? .................................................. ...............


Invisible.

I couldn't resist especially after the M&M joke!
Hope all are well, CZ