Two patients limp into two different American medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day, has a time booked for surgery the next day and, within two days, is home recuperating.

The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Golden Retriever.

The second is a Senior Citizen.

Nice one, Roz!!

OK, here's a daft one:

There was this magician who had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining the passengers with a nightly show. He was very successfull in his job and there was always a full house at all his performances. Life was sweet. The money was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate the best food, mixed with the best people. All was fine until one day the captain bought a parrot.

The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician in action in the evening. During the magician's performances, the parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot would call out in a loud squark, "It's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve," or, "It's down his trousers, it's down his trousers," each time ruining the magician's trick.

Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of the parrot and longed to kill it.

Then one night in the middle of the magician's performances, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage, climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at the magician.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot did not take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all this time.

"Alright I give up....." chirped the parrot, ".....what have you done with the ship?"

all the best

Hi Artist,

I am still laughing, my brother has a African Grey that drives a person nuts. Hugs, Roz

That was really funny. It brings back what my nurse told Bill not long before he died.

Bill went in and asked her why it was, You can take a dog to a vet one time and the vet gets knows exactly what is wrong and takes care of him but a person can go to a Dr. over and over and never gets well. Our nurse had the right answer. The dog can't pay.

Ada

Dear Ada,

Your husband was very wise.

I have heard it's harder to get into Veterinary School, in the States then Med. School. Hugs, Roz

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Medical Record Blunders
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The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Long fingers?)

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. (Excuse me, what are you doing with that pen light?)

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. (Anatomy review time!)

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. (An empowered patient.)

The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

We will follow her eyes and nose with a foley catheter.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.

Hugs, Roz

Lesson In Life.

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became
very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do lots of
things that took two arms.

One day in his despair,he decided to commit suicide. He got on an
elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was
standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along,
whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that
this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for
myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a
man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on
with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him
how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and
felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him
again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm
if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"


He said, "I'm NOT happy ... my butt itches."

Fw: peanuts
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> >
> >>>> >A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a
> > highway
> >>>> >when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers
> > him
> >>>>a
> >>>> >handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
> >>>> >
> >>>> >After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she
> >>>>hands
> >>>> >him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five
> >>>>more
> >>>> >times.
> >>>> >
> >>>> >When she is about to hand him another batch, he asks the little old
> >>>>lady,
> >>>> >why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?
> >>>> >
> >>>> >"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
> >>>> >
> >>>> >The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
> >>>> >
> >>>> >The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
> >>>> >
> >>>> >It pays to be careful around old people.

and sits down, and demands the bar tender to pour him a drink of scotch! The bar tender pours him a scotch, and the drunk downs all but a little bit in the bottom of the glass. He then opens his shirt pocket and pours the rest of the booze into his pocket.

Well after several drinks the bar tender decides the drunk has had enough, and when the drunk demands another drink. The bar tender tells him " sorry sir but I cant let you waste any more good scotch by pouring down in your shirt pocket ". Well the drunk got mad! He hollers at the bar tender, Give me another scotch! and if I want anymore outta you I will knock it outta you!

About that time a little mouse pops up out of the shirt pocket and says that goesssshhh for your DANG cat tooo!

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he,too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"