Two patients limp into two different American medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day, has a time booked for surgery the next day and, within two days, is home recuperating.

The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Golden Retriever.

The second is a Senior Citizen.

Nice one, Roz!!

OK, here's a daft one:

There was this magician who had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining the passengers with a nightly show. He was very successfull in his job and there was always a full house at all his performances. Life was sweet. The money was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate the best food, mixed with the best people. All was fine until one day the captain bought a parrot.

The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician in action in the evening. During the magician's performances, the parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot would call out in a loud squark, "It's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve," or, "It's down his trousers, it's down his trousers," each time ruining the magician's trick.

Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of the parrot and longed to kill it.

Then one night in the middle of the magician's performances, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage, climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at the magician.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot did not take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all this time.

"Alright I give up....." chirped the parrot, ".....what have you done with the ship?"

all the best

Hi Artist,

I am still laughing, my brother has a African Grey that drives a person nuts. Hugs, Roz

That was really funny. It brings back what my nurse told Bill not long before he died.

Bill went in and asked her why it was, You can take a dog to a vet one time and the vet gets knows exactly what is wrong and takes care of him but a person can go to a Dr. over and over and never gets well. Our nurse had the right answer. The dog can't pay.

Ada

Dear Ada,

Your husband was very wise.

I have heard it's harder to get into Veterinary School, in the States then Med. School. Hugs, Roz

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Medical Record Blunders
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The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Long fingers?)

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. (Excuse me, what are you doing with that pen light?)

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. (Anatomy review time!)

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. (An empowered patient.)

The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

We will follow her eyes and nose with a foley catheter.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.

Hugs, Roz

OMG, Roz, - those just get funnier and funnier!! I have tears running down my face!

Thank you *so* much for starting this thread
all the best!

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

He looks through a catalogue in the plastic surgeon's office.




Patient to eye doctor:
"I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation,doctor. What are the chances?"

Eye doctor to patient: "Don't worry you won't be able to see the difference."

5. You never have to watch reruns on television.

4. You are always meeting new people.

3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.

2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.

1. Mysteries are always interesting.

Heard about the blonde fired from the MM factory?

She kept throwing out the WW's

.................................................. .....

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

A: Give her an M&M bag, and tell her to alphabetize it.