NeuroTalk Support Groups - I can't believe what my husband has been going through

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- - I can't believe what my husband has been going through (https://www.neurotalk.org/reflex-sympathetic-dystrophy-rsd-and-crps-/156501-cant-believe-husband.html)

Quote:

Originally Posted by ballerina (Post 801710)

Maybe your husband should refrain from discussing his personal life at work. I am a little confused about his boss not paying for a "fake " disorder. Why would your husband's boss pay for any medical bills. If your husband has health insurance and you are on it how is your husband's boss involved?

If your husband is concerned about what his co-workers have been saying about your health issues then why did he discuss your application for SSDI?????Just a thought.

Quote:

Originally Posted by fmichael (Post 801931)

Dear Cindi -

Sadly, I've heard of too many places where a single trip to HR to complain about a boss sets someone up for outright retaliation if not termination based on completely spurious grounds. I'm with Pete, the matter should be handled as discretely as possible but through an attorney who is recognized for his/her work in representing plaintiff in employment litigation.

Unless your husband can be personally referred to someone with experience in the field, you may want to check out the Martindale-Hubbell search engine at http://www.martindale.com/Find-Lawye...Law-Firms.aspx And if you use the search engine, I would look for attorneys in your area with ratings of "A-V" or "B-V" with a practice area including "Labor and Employment" and preferably a sub-specialty in "Employee Rights." An explanation of the ratings system can be found here http://www.martindale.com/Products_a...w_Ratings.aspx

The site is absolutely free. Martindale-Hubbell has been around for 140 years, primarily providing a publishing peer ratings of attorneys, so that a lawyer could simply consult a single set of books for the names, specialties and ratings of attorneys in every city/county in the country, should s/he need to find local co-counsel quickly. (The firm is now a division of the legal search engine giant Lexis-Nexis, which itself is a division of Reed Elsevier, a publicly traded European publisher, with headquarters in London and Amsterdam.)

And for what it's worth, as to your husband - the employee - it is my sense that it's not so much a matter of ADA violations or the like, as much as state-law based claims of a "hostile work environment," except to the extent your husband's manager has access to what should be your private insurance records, and is then broadcasting his distorted take on that information through the work site, in which case there may be federal claims for HIPPA violations which could then be asserted in your name. Dunno.

Good luck.

Mike

The problem with my husband's boss is that he used to be one of our nest friends. We did a lot together and living ina very small town, everyone knows your business. I mean EVERYBODY, my husband does not talk about my situation at all...it's other people who see me out at the grocery store or at college football games. I just don't thing that anyone has a right tp tell me where I can go and what I can do. My doctor is the one who says it;s time for SSDI, so I am following suit. Does it say in the disablity guidelines that I have to stop living completely? I gave up a job that I truly loved and worked very hard at to get where I was, but the stress level is so high and the job was extremely physical that I couldn't keep myself or my students safe.

I wrote my post in such a panicked state that it does seem quite confusing. My husband's boss has seen me with my can, with heating pads on my legs and the whole nine yards, however the part that hurts me the most is that I was born with Cerebral Palsy and was made fun of as a child. It just brings back all those feelings. People still have to comment about how I walk and tell me to "cut it out!" when I am tired and shuffle my feet.

I thank you all for your advice. I have talked to th ACLU and Americans with Disabilites Act and the both told me that it is against the law to harrass my husband about my medical conditions. :grouphug:

Quote:

Originally Posted by kathy d (Post 801811)

Dear Cindi1965 and her husband,
I am very deeply sorry that you both have to go through all this mess. Unfortunately, I have been through it all too. I know how painful it is to you both. I had the worst time in my workplace too. My boss actually walked around limping in front of other people and when asked what he was doing said he was imitating me! I had three reputable people tell me at three different times. I was furious...also my boss was my relative and I have to see him at any family functions!! So, it created a nightmare within my family because he said I was faking it and tried to deny my injury at work. I had to get an attorney, it has ruined my family life, my son's life (who now doesn't want to live has tried to kill himself already and I have to watch this every day). After over six years of giving my family books to read about rsd, emails sent to them to help them understand it all, talking to them numerous times, etc. I have given up on them. I try my hardest not to tell them anything going on in my life or how I am feeling because they are just in denial and are clueless. I have learned that when you are healthy and making money everyone wants to be your friend...but when you are disabled and broke no one wants to have anything to do with you.

I have also been letdown by the medical community. Some of my "highlights" are: being treated like a drug addict when I arrived in the ER for the third time with heightened pain, been told by another doctor that when he was younger he had the same injury as me and he is fine, etc... People just don't get it and never will. I told the last doctor to consider himself blessed that he did not have to go through what I do on a daily basis. I believe your husband's co should be forced to pay for your health needs as that is why you have ins in the first place. I have seen things on the news where businesses will actually fire the working employee so they don't have to pay for the spouse's health bills. Your husband needs to not say anything to his coworkers about your condition as they will never get it. If asked he can say as I do "I am just trying to survive each day while living in pain" OR "Consider yourself blessed that you or your loved ones don't have to go through what my wife does on a daily basis." And leave it at that.

My blood pressure is boiling right now over what they are doing to you both. They are just idiots. You and your husband (but esp you) need to get rid of the negative things around you and only be around positive as I have had to do. People also don't realize the relentless pain we go through and how it affects every aspect of our lives. Things we used to do within five mins can take us days to do now. I try to pray alot and I laugh at least once a day. That is my medicine haha.

Also, if your husband does not tell anyone a thing about you and then his boss knows and goes and talks to them about it your husband needs to sit his boss down and ask him not to discuss confidential information about your family with the office. My son told me one thing that I decided to try with my family member...he said to ignore him as he ignores me. If others are in the room he will say hello to me and ask how I am doing but if no one is around he doesn't even say hello. It has been very hurtful to me since we used to be really close. So I tried this method out and it does work. If I walk into a room and he is the only one in it I ignore him and then I noticed he says hello to me. I am giving him what he has given me over the years...ignorance. Like someone said earlier "What comes around goes around."

I have also noticed that when things happen to me (or have in the past) family members treat it as no big deal but if something happens to them it is the end of the world because THEY are going through it.

Just do what you both think is best for your family. Maybe when your husband ignores his coworkers they will move on to the next thing to be made fun of. Sounds like they are all just a bunch of bullies to me. Hang in there. I am glad you both have each other to get through this "journey" in your life. I am single and it all has been overwhelming as I have no one to help with finances, parenting, or just for emotional support. It is great to have your husband as your advocate who can fight for you when you are unable to do so. Hope my suggestions can help you both a bit. People are just ignorant and clueless most of the time. Support and love each other and take care of your life.
Best to you both,
kathy d

Kathy,
I was made fun of by TEACHERS when I was in school. Thank you for your kind words....like I said, we live in a VERY small community, if someone farts everybody knows about it. lol...I think we have it all figured out and have some friends behind us. Some of my friends want to go protest in front of the store! I told them not to. Thewhole problem is that there are only 3 employees and the boss who work there. Thanks again! :hug:

How hurtful that ghosts of the past can rear their ugly heads in the present. It must be very hard to loose a best friend. Have you considered making a written request to your husband's employer to be put on your husband's health insurance?

Hi Cindi,
I completely understand the hurt of having teachers make fun of you because I had the same problem. I was not disabled then but was in a classroom of "smart" kids who were the in-crowd in fourth grade. I was a very shy child and never liked to be called on. This agressive teacher mortified me in front of that math class because of something stupid I could not say correctly because I was so nervous. She told me I was stupid and then moved on. I wanted to die there. SHe did it a few times in front of everyone. I was always called lazy because I prob had a learning disability but back then no one ever heard of that haha it was because you were lazy! I thought "Well if I am being called lazy then I must be lazy." And proceeded to almost fail my math classes because I was stupid and lazy. Having my parents go the the teacher's meeting at the beginning of the school year and mid-year was horrible for me.

Well, that stuff stuck with me for many many years. I got angry and realized in college that I can do math it just took me longer. I started out in the lowest math class there was and am proud to say it took me 20 years to get my Bachelor's Degree (due to divorce and a child). My favorite classes were statistics and programming (and I did this all online) and got A's for them. It goes to show anyone can do anything if they start at the beginning and work their way up. Of course, I got my degree the month after I got injured and have not used it and of course owe student loans lol. It is always something. But teachers and those in authority today would have been fired for what that teacher put me though. Boy I went off on a bit there.

I have been to really small towns in the past and you are right "you fart and everyone knows about it." I love your humor...it will get you through this time.

You may like Michael said look into an attorney to set them straight and I would not do so against the boss I would ask the attorney to have the coworkers do some type of diversity class where they all can learn from this problem. Education is the way to go but some people just don't want to get it. I take my peace from some day they will get old and have to go through what we do as younger people and I will just sit and watch them and get my peace through that. People don't know how bad it is until they go through it themselves.

I think you need to keep your friends away from the store so as the whole town doesn't get involved. That could tear it all apart. Another idea (I know it is bad and not nice) is to spread something about one of them. It may not be true but what they are saying about you is not true and they still do it so give them a taste of their own medicine. It would make you and your hubby and friends laugh a bit. Sorry that is the evil twin in me that rears its ugly head at times haha. At least this way the gossip mill will have something else to talk about besides you.

You might have to be real creative about what to do but I am sure you will come up with something. Keep us informed. Best of luck. I have prayed for my family member because I thought by praying for them I would release all my negativity and then can focus on positive things. I just ignore people like that because once they see you are riled up they will be happy but if they see it does not upset you they will stop it and move on to other people to hurt. Just like bullies.
Take care,
kathy d

I agree with fmichael. Your husband is being forced to work in a hostile work environment. There is only one person responsible for making sure that his work place is free of harassment and that is the BOSS. It also seems to me that you and your husband are victims of discrimination in regards to how the insurance is being offered to you and your husband.

The RSDA offers a wonderful handout card that I carry in my wallet to give to doctors, nurses and EMTs that have never heard of RSD. I keep an attached list of current medications with it at all times ICE.

I have found it very difficult to educate my family and friends, to them I look "fine". Nobody that I love seems to have the slightest interest in learning about RSD. It is so discouraging to me everyday.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. Lisa

Just curious, what reason did your husband's boss give for refusing to put you on his healthcare insurance?

Quote:

Originally Posted by ballerina (Post 802767)

Just curious, what reason did your husband's boss give for refusing to put you on his healthcare insurance?

He says it's too expensive...it doesn't matter now, I have my SSDI rolling with great momentum and the hubby is looking for another job and a better job! I emailed everyone involved with the harrassment, even his boss and told them that I had spoken to the ACLU and the people from Americans with Disabilities and everyone has finally got the message. My sweet husband is back to his normal self, but still on guard. He has worked for the boss's father for 12 years before the father passed away and if he knew what was going on he would rip everyone a new you know what! My husband is getting into radio broadcasting little by little and hopefully it will pan out to be something permanent in the future. Thanks for all the responses :)

Still confused. This doesn't make sense. Is it the boss who claims that it is too expensive to put you on the insurance or your husband who feels it is too expensive to purchase.

If it is your husband's boss is he claiming it is too expensive too to put all spouses on the plan or just you?

Quote:

Originally Posted by ballerina (Post 803480)

My husband doesn't pay for health insurance and his boss says that it would be too expensive to put me on it...he's a liar and we know it. His business isn't big enough to HAVE to put me on it...he has quite a bit of money and it shouldn't hurt him either way. My husband is the manager, salesman and makes this idiot hundreds of thousands of dollars in carpet sales a year. There are no other people who are married except my husband, so he has never had this problem...like I said before the boss's father started this business and passed away leaving it to a totally in competant idiot.

Still doesn't make sense. A business started by the father certainly has employed many married employees, thus must have been presented with this request. Many small businesses provide health care insurance to employees at no cost but make business decisions not to offer it to spouses. If so, even though your medical bills must be a tremendous strain on your family, and adds to the additional rancor you both feel towards the boss, it sounds like it is unjustified. No matter how much money your boss has or how much you money your husband brings in it sounds like the business decision is to limit coverage to employees. Maybe expecting that a exception be made for you is unrealistic and only adds to your frustration, anger and stress.

We all know that one of the quickest ways to wind up our pain is through stress. We are all in the same boat. It is so hard to calm things down with the daily struggles that we all must learn how to manage.

Please try to give yourself the healing power of stress reduction. You mentioned in a prior post that you can do things like go shopping, attend you son's sporting events, make jewelry,etc. GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS A PRECIOUS GIFT. Many readers like me hope to get to the place you are one day.

Please consider the threat to your pretty good physical capabilities posed by your reaction to the stressors in your life.

We can't control anything about CRPS but we have much to say about how much we suffer as a result. Only we can choose to reduce suffering.

Hoping there are better days ahead for you and your family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!