Also, now that I took a break from the Fear Thread, last night I had those "thoughts" that I don't want to have about what to do when the pain gets so bad and there's nothing that can be done for it. I feel so bad having these thoughts but I did. And then I started thinking about not wanting extra measures taken when I get to the point when this is too much to bear. I think I'm going to keep that in my living will, but want to try everything I can to avoid those "thoughts". Last night it was extremely difficult not to think of them. But I tried to think of my son and husband and how much I still want to do. I want to be with them as long as possible, but when I'm at the pain level I was in last night, I just wanted to make it go away and started thinking of things to do that like jumping off a bridge. I wouldn't really do that, but the thought was there. I don't want to be a downer, but I just need to vent again. Thanks again for listening.

Oh Renee, gosh I’ve been there too, more times than I care to admit. It’s tough because all you want is for the pain to STOP, just STOP, or at a minimum to simmer down a bit. It’s in those moments that you must remember that this too shall pass. The flare will pass and your emotions will settle. And it can be amazing how everything looks different in a new day. However, in the moments that you speak of, its damn hard to look toward tomorrow. I have literally felt at times as though I am losing my mind. No joke, really losing it. I hear there’s evidence to back this up. Something about the discharge of our pain in our limbic system in our brains. Yes, remember those who love you and whom you love, and how devastating that would be for them for the rest of their lives. Gosh, I so understand and wish I could give you a gentle hug and tell you it’s all going to be okay, somehow, someway.

PS.. did you say you're on Gabapentin? That can also be a side affect.

Thanks Vrae. You're right about it passing too. It do feel physcially and mentally a little better today and those thoughts I had are gone. I know they may come back again when anther bad flare comes, but I could never follow through because of my loved ones and the faith I have in God. I know He's with me, but it is very difficult still. I sometimes feel I'm loosing my mind too when I get flares too. And I get terrible panic attacks. It's just awful, but I'm going to try to remember that This too shall pass. My fear is that someday it won't pass, but hopefully that won't happen. That again is where my faith steps in, but rsd puts you through a true test of faith, that's for sure. Thanks again to all of you for your kind words and for lifting my spirits.

As my momma used to say "Don't borrow trouble" lol

Oh those momma's and their sayings, but I think this is a good one.

Ditto again what Vrae said!!

Yes, I will keep you both posted on the infusion therapy. I have more hope in the 5 day treatment but, will do this in the mean time as pain is high and spread has been aggressive.

Hang in there Renee.. its hard sometimes to pull ourselves out of the toilet bowl but.. you've just got to dig deep to find the courage and strength to keep getting up everyday. When my life was facing something different and I didn't know if I would live or die a friend told me to focus on 15min blocks instead of 24hrs.. just doing that made it easier when I was in that same darkness questioning my own will to survive.