I almost want to remove this post because I'm embarrassed for thinking this way. I didn't want any one to think I was actually threatening suicide or looking for attention. RSD/CRPS has taken so much from me (us) and sometimes coping with the physical pain leaves no energy to cope with the emotional pain.

Thank you for reminding me that these feelings will pass, it does help!

I'm happy for the way for the way it has united us even if it is sharing some very dark feelings. You all are so great for being a great friend on here. I never would have imagined how strong and meaningful an online support group could be.
I guess I just need to slap myself and find some self esteem outside my work and my husband.
I do want to be there for all of you and thank you again for all the support.

AzDi, sorry I didn't post sooner but my fingers have been bad and there were so many new threads!

I didn't think for a moment you were about to go out and throw yourself under a bus, I completely recognise what you're talking about, and tbh another reason I didn't post this weekend is that I've been having a slight (cough) difference of opinion with my husband... The difference being that I just got fed up with the one-way emotional traffic. He's in great shape, fit (oh yes) and healthy and I love him to bits. I show that by complimenting him on his fitness (mmm lol) and making him feel good about himself.

I know I've probably got more conscious of this now because I feel so crappy myself. I know I've out on a bit of weight (I'm working hard to get in back down, but for some reason it's difficult ), but I just feel so danged GUILTY all the time - that he is stuck with me as I am now, and not the me he married. Surely that was a deal, right? And my body broke that deal. I know it's not my fault etc etc, put that doesn't help it when the insecurities and doubts and unfairness of things just climb out of that carefully sealed box in your head and crawl all over everything...

And this weekend was one of those times when I realised that it's all so unfair. His emotional support seems to be fairly limited to practical things - shopping, driving around, working, physical jobs at home etc. He does a sport and I encourage him in it because of the guilt - but at times I am so jealous because it was always ME that was the sporty one and him the couch potato. Now it's kind of flipped. He never compliments me or tries to make me feel good about myself. The only times it happens are when we've had a row and he's desperately trying to make up ground. He's a really good guy and my soul-mate in so many ways (awww) but he's always had a blind spot about that kind of thing, and whereas it didn't matter so much before, now of course it does - because I'm so much more scared and guilty and insecure and doubting myself every time I sneak past a mirror.

AzDi my little fruit bun of loveliness in so many ways I bet we all pretty much feel like this. It's the main reason I have such regard and admiration for everyone on this forum - the fact that most of our lives are spent clamping down on that stuff and getting on with life DESPITE feeling so damn worthless at times, not to mention the hundred other worries and trials that come with this disease.

You are strong and determined and so helpful to other folk. You'll be ok because of who you are, the real you, not the you that we all have to polish up before meeting the world That real you is why we all share such genuine affection on here.

Now have yourself a few little treats and snatch some time for you, and think about what we've all said here. Then smile to yourself and do one of those Hollywood self-hug things, and believe that actually your husband is the lucky one. We all know it could have been the other way around, and we could be caring for our partner suffering from this. But think how awful it COULD be for him, and how hard you are working to still hang on to as much normality as possible. You aren't lying on an expensive chaise-longe (upholstered in a rare and costly CRPS-kindly fabric) wearing hand-woven silk pyjamas, demanding peeled grapes and pâté on an hourly basis, snapping your fingers for the servants, or ringing a little gold bell to have your meds prepared for you by a private nurse. You are trying to be 'normal' and bless us all, some days that's the hardest thing of all.

Gentle hugs to all, I raise a glass of chilled Bollinger to every one of you (well its a cup of tea, but you know what I mean )

Here's one just for you AzDi. Genuinely warm and affectionate

Bram

Good Morning AZ-Di,

I'm glad you didn't remove this post.. you were brave to share it and I'm pretty sure anyone who read it could closely relate. I even read it to my husband who then turned around and asked me if he made me feel that way.. it was a great conversation, thank you.

lol.. self esteem seems to be a game of hide and seek after chronic illness changes our lives. Has anyone ever mentioned seeing a pain psychologist or Cognitive Behavior Therapy as part of your treatment plan? These were recommended to me and considered a priority above all else by my PM. At first I was hesitant because for the most part I was mentally handling things okay (despite a few really low days) but then after finding out a little more what the goals of CBT were, I thought why not.. it can't hurt. I am truly thankful that this was advised and honestly believe it should be a priority for anyone struggling with a chronic condition - especially CRPS.

This group is amazing!!

Thank you AZ-Di for your willingness to share the not so obvious aspects of how this disease affects our lives. I do hope today gives you a renewed sense of self worth!

Hi AZ-Di, Even though this is called the suicide disease and we all talk about how we want the pain to go away, I don't think any of us want to end our lives. We are just talking about how we want to end the pain we're in. Like I said earlier, when I'm in excruciating pain, I just want it to go away. But when it passes, I feel like I want to enjoy my life as much as I can and not waste my days thinking negative thoughts. It's hard to be positive when we are in pain, but I think sharing our thoughts while we are in pain, helps us to focus on how to deal with it and work through it until it passes. I think we all make a great team and am grateful to have all of you help me through the painful times. I hope I help too, but I know I do flip flop alot. I feel like the quote Kevscar has on his threads, "I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure." I am alot like that now, but am coming to realize it's the pain making me that way. And when the pain subsides, I see things much clearer and in a more positive way. I hope you all have a pain free as possible day today. You don't have to feel embarrassed for what you said. It's the pain and stress talking. And we all understand that, because we've all been there. Just try to remember that you are not alone and that you are very important in our lives. From your friend, Renee.

[QUOTE=Brambledog;1028278]AzDi, sorry I didn't post sooner but my fingers have been bad and there were so many new threads!

I I know it's not my fault etc etc, put that doesn't help it when the insecurities and doubts and unfairness of things just climb out of that carefully sealed box in your head and crawl all over everything...

And this weekend was one of those times when I realised that it's all so unfair. His emotional support seems to be fairly limited to practical things - shopping, driving around, working, physical jobs at home etc.

AzDi my little fruit bun of loveliness in so many ways I bet we all pretty much feel like this. It's the main reason I have such regard and admiration for everyone on this forum - the fact that most of our lives are spent clamping down on that stuff and getting on with life DESPITE feeling so damn worthless at times, not to mention the hundred other worries and trials that come with this disease.


Bram,
I just LOVE your fruit buns of lovliness J.K. Rowling has nothing on you!

I sure understand about opening that "carefully sealed box in your head" I sure hope I didn't help crack it open. I should've been more careful to open up mine for everyone.
It's good to know it must be a guy thing. Mine is like that too. He is right there if I ask for help with physical things but shed a tear and he's out.

I guess we should be thankful we do at least have someone huh?

AZ-Di, As much as our husbands love us, I do think they have trouble dealing with things like seeing their loved ones in constant pain. Men like to fix things, and if they can't, it really frustrates them. They are good with driving us to dr appts., and grocery shopping, etc. but when it comes to the emotional support part, they don't seem to be able to deal with it, because the can't fix it. It doesn't mean they don't care, it just means that they try to avoid the topic, because they can't find a solution for it. Women are more of the emotional providers in my opinion. I hope you can find some joy in yourself. You don't need to look to others to validate that you are special. You can find that special person inside you by yourself. I posted this poem in the poetry corner but am posting it here too. After a lifetime of losses, I can relate to this poem and it gives me strength to carry on and helps me to see that finding self worth is something I need to do on my own. I hope it helps you too. Take care my friend.

"Comes The Dawn"

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn.

Author: Veronica A. Shoffstall