Hi SloRian, I hope you're doing okay and that things are going a little better for you at home.
My thoughts are always with you. From your friend, Renee.

Thank you again, everyone - it means so much to have a place like this to come and cry a bit ...

Things are continuing to get better, although slowly - please pray/cross fingers that he will stay committed to counseling. I think he will, though, but if not, I think I'll need to have some more drastic consequences.

SloRian,

So sorry to hear about everything you are going through. I hope that things are getting better now and that the counselling has helped.

I wanted to say that you aren't alone and that unfortunately many of us are going through similar things. I'm only young (nearly 19) but have just got out of a 3 and half year relationship. It sounded towards the end, very similar to yours. At first I thought he was 'perfect'. I had RSD at the time I met him and he understood everything, went to hospital appointments with me all the time, spent hours on a night up with me when I couldn't sleep, cared for me when I was ill etc etc. He has mild Cerebal Palsy so I thought that helped him as he understood what being ill was like and how frustrating it is. After a few years though things started to get bad. He'd try meeting other girls online off social networking sites and at one point even lied to me about dieing. He said he had Cystic Fibrosis and for a year I believed him. It was only when he wouldn't let me go to any hospital appointments with him that I knew something wasn't right and when asking his father he had no idea about it and said it was all a lie. That major lie really affected my RSD and I developed POTS (a blood pressure problem). I'd collapse over 25 times a day. It was awful. We broke up for a long time because of it but he told me he'd got help and we agreed to give things another go.

Everything seemed to be going perfect until 3 months ago when like your husband, he became VERY angry. He'd get mad if I spent money, went to hospital without him etc. One day I had an interview for a job and he hated it because he didn't have an interview either and really wanted a job. He took his frustrations out on me the day of the interview and started being really verbally abusive and ignored me for ages following the interview. it got to the point where I couldn't take anymore, enough was enough and I left him.

Its such a shame when things end and I'm sure deep down my ex is a nice person, despite all of his faults and apparent mental issues. I'd never want to go back to him though because I know that no one can or should be able to live with the amount of lies he told me.

I'm sorry for changing the subject to me a little, I just wanted to say you aren't alone and I know how hard it is to do what is right for you when you love someone. I still miss my ex, we had some great times together, but I've also accepted that sometimes things aren't meant to be. Please don't feel guilty if things end.. it isn't your fault.

Sorry to hear about your daughters RSD too. I know how hard it is to deal with something so awful at such as young age. My parents have relationship issues also so I know how frustrating it can be and understand what she is saying. I love my dad to bits but hate how he sometimes treats my mum and how he doesn't help her with any chores around the house.

Let your daughter know she can talk to you whenever she wants/needs to... it does help and I'm glad she can confide in you, you're obviously very close, as are my mum and I.

Glad you're getting counselling and hope its going well. That's one thing I wish me and my ex tried because maybe it would have helped a great deal but it is SO hard to get here in the UK, especially on the NHS.

Wishing you better days and a great Christmas! :)

Alison

Thank you, Alison, for your post, and no worries for changing it a bit to you - we can all share here. Life sure isn't simple, and many times, we do know that they're good people underneath, but when things are SO difficult, unhealthy patterns can come up and damage things ... I'm so sorry to hear of your break-up :(

Although things are still quite hard (it's pretty universal that things can get worse in many ways when counseling starts because old patterns are being broken up and new ones settling in) I'm still seeing him choose some healthy choices more often than not. One of the big things that I've wanted from him for years was time spent together reading (I love to read!) and praying together - at least just a few minutes for our family. Before, I had to remind him and he would call it nagging, even if he told me to remind him. Then I got tired of that and just stopped asking. That subject came up again, and again he said he would do it and it was OK to remind him. I finally said that he knew what I wanted, it wasn't a lot of time to ask for, and it would have to come from him, and I was done reminding him because I was done with him being able to turn it into me nagging him. Since that awful day when I posted, he has chosen to do these two things on his own initiative almost every night (there was one night he missed when he relapsed into a pretty snarky mood, but this time he just kept the bad mood to himself instead of being snarky to everyone else). There was even one night when I was the one that had to say no, because it's finals time and my daughter is working desperately hard to get all of her make-up work in and I was helping her with some typing. Last night was a very late night with me helping her, and around 11:30 I reminded him that he had also promised to help more with the dishes during this finals week, and he not only did the dishes without complaining, but when we went to bed around 1 am, he asked if I wanted to read!

Thank God, I continue to see steady changes! There's a long road ahead, and we have to go day-by-day, but I think there is finally a real change. I wish I would have known to get counseling sooner, but I thought that if you're patient that things will work out, because we had never had problems like this before. I wish I hadn't waited for 5 years! I actually have a bit of hope now that we'll like being around him again.

So pleased SloRian....keep up the good work :winky:

Sounds like you have a happier Christmas ahead - you deserve it :)

Bram.

Happy for you SloRian, wishing things stay on an even keel for you!
I know it's a difficult balance.
:hug: Di

I have a partner with rage issues also. She can be come violent when the rage takes over.

All I can say is, make sure you protect yourself from this if it becomes a danger to your safety.

You cannot fix this!. If someone is that angry( hurt and in pain emotionally ), only they can figure out what is causing their rage to fix it. RAGE which is what this sounds like to me, is caused in people who are not bipolar by us not dealing with our feelings, sadness or anger. The undealt with feelings build up to the point that anything can cause things to boil over into rage.

Being someone that suffers from a long time of extreme unrelenting pain I can say that I have to make sure I do not hold in any feelings. Anything that causes stress shortens my fuse making my pain worse. So I say what is on my mind good or bad to let it out to give more room for the pain related stress...

If he is unwilling to deal with his emotional problem then Sometimes the threat of or a actual separation is enough to make them get the help they need.

Other times to keep your sanity you just have to cut ties and take care of yourself.

I wish you luck in this, Take care of yourself and your feelings, they do really matter!

Hi Slorian, I hope your day is going better today. My husband has rage issues too, but he vents by yelling. He has NEVER hit me. I would never stay with a man who was physically abusive. He is a good man and has a big heart. He just has a short fuse. I'm sure living with me doesn't help. I'm not the easiest person to deal with. But sometimes he does yell really loud and I quickly and calmly bring it to his attention. Then he stops and tries to calm down. He's been getting better, but I do wish he would go to a counselor with me. But his male ego won't let him. At least he's trying and making improvements with me at home. I hope that the same happens for you. I've learned that you have to let them know while they are yelling to stop. If you wait until after it happens then it's not as effective. They suddenly can't remember ever yelling in the first place. So maybe try to "strike while the iron's hot." My prayers are with you that things will get better soon. Take care. Sincerely, Renee.