after being married for almost 36 years, i think i'm fairly realistic about my husband.....i realize that he's sloppy by nature and that i can consider myself lucky if the dirty clothes make it into the laundry hamper.....the fact that there's usually a sleeve or part of a shirt hanging out, making it look like his clothes were shot while trying to escape -- well, that's okay.

i know that my birthday and anniversary presents are likely to come complete with plugs and warranties....no romantic 'little something' type gifts from this guy....but he usually does remember the important occasions, so that's okay too.

he isn't perfect and i do have some gripes....he spends far too much time at the church men's club hanging out with the 'guys' (most of them are grandfathers), and household jobs don't get done....but he isn't well, he's still working, and this is something he loves, so that's (sort of) okay too.

he's also very absent-minded (and i have to wonder where the mind goes when it's absent) but when you're married to a physics teacher, this is expected....some stereotypes have a STRONG grounding in fact!

however.......HOWEVER.....while i truly don't expect him to remember his lunch every day, or to know where he left his shoes, this particular flaw reached new heights, or maybe depths, this morning.

it was 6:30....i'd been awake about 10 minutes, and i was standing outside the back door waiting for the dog to finish his morning business so i could take him back inside, when i heard a chime....i thought that it sounded like my doorbell and suddenly realized that it WAS my doorbell (okay, so i'm not a morning person)....so i went to the door, peeked out and there's a woman standing there.

i opened the door, looking, i'm sure, as befuddled as i felt....who expects guests at that hour?.....and this charming lady says "good morning....is bill ready?".....i responded with something remarkably glib, like "huh?", which made her look a bit anxious and she asked "i do have the right house, don't i?....bill didn't forget he's giving me a ride into work today, did he?".....(you see! - everyone knows how forgetful he is!).

i collected what wits i'm able to muster at that time of day, and invited her inside....i called up to bill that there was someone here for him....he calls down "i'm running a few minutes late here, kathy....i'll be right with u"....so we sit down and carry on a polite conversation for a few minutes, while my idiot dog prances all around and brings this woman all his toys.... he adores company and clearly thought this was a great way to start the day.

bill appears at last, sort of aims a kiss in my general direction, and they head out....this was a smart move on his part, as it gives me days to cool off....this weekend, he's going to the state convention for the church men's groups and he's leaving directly from school since coming home would be the wrong direction.....and given this morning's events it would REALLY be the wrong way!

maybe i don't have the hang of this whole marriage thing just yet, but it seems to me that a husband who had ANY survival instinct would warn his wife that there would be someone at the door early the next day so that she doesn't answer the door in her rattiest old pajamas (well, they're smooth and comfy) with mismatched socks (put them on in the dark) and her hair looking like she'd been electrocuted....especially since the wife in question was opening the door to a well-groomed, VERY well-dressed woman who was heading off to work.

my daughter's comment on this was that "the man deserves a fine funeral" but i think it makes more sense to try to sell him on eBay....i don't expect to get much, since he really isn't in very good condition, but i'm SURE there must be a market for absent-minded professors....they seem to be able to sell everything else.

i hope everyone else had a better start to their day than i did.

there's all sorts of ads on craigslist too- I'm sure he would fit in one of those categories!

Oh, ((((((Liz)))))),

Keep him. I've found that some things have more value when we hang onto them.

After all, you were just getting out of his bed. She obviously wasn't

Hugs.

Barb

How do you put up with all of that. Allentown Pa, hmmm i wonder if you
would mind driving him to Columbia Mo. i'll save you all those E-Bay
worries. Sue

is this a joke?

you can't be serious...

liz.

i hate surprises like that. make sure you are signed up for paypal before you list him. as is only!!

what my hubby does...is tell me he has a new client. oh they are always older ladies. have lots of weight to lose. ( we own a gym....and he does a lot of personal training) well..they end up being maybe 30...and the lots of weight..whoohoooo 5 lbs.

oh and so graciously invites them to any garage sale we ever have. they drive up in their new mercedes..hair and nails done.

Oh Liz!! I would have sent him with a dogs dinner. I would also "accidently" forget to iron his clothes, do his washing, cook his food or remind him of things for a week, and see what happens!!! honestly, physics teachers. Says it all really!!

Well, you are doing slightly better than me. I didn't go out last night because my pain is stupid (and having rung PM and PCP in hysterics over pain to which they agreed to increase the ketamine because I can't handle any more pain)... and my best friend arrived at my door at 2am, and having stolen my keys, let himself in DRUNK OUT OF HIS FLIPPING MIND. He then staggered in, hit the wardrobe, staggered, hit the bookcase before tripping over my wheelchair charger and ending up head first on my bed. Guess where? straight on top of my legs. YEP!

To make it worse, he then passed out, fell out of bed, dragged my covers and I off with it and then passed out on the floor TANGLED IN MY LEGS. THE B******!!!!!!!! I narrowly missed becoming mince through the cot sides (they are only 2ft long so they don't save the bottom of the bed from being sat on)

It has taken the last 2 and a half hours to get my carer up to cart him away. However, I did have the joy of slapping him VERY HARD across the face (just to check he was semi-conscious, of course! unfortunatly he wasn't).

Men. Can't live with them. Can't live without them.

All I'm thinking is I am going to make his hangover hurt as much as I do now from his stupid night time antics. May send carer over to bang saucepan lids outside his door for a couple of hours. Or maybe Wagner.

Stupid men. Anyone feel like a "bin the men/ ban the man" week? (guys, if you wear a bra for the week you can officially be one - for this week only - just to save you from the bin!).

Anyway Liz - I really think you should make him GROVEL for your attention and suggest that a nice box of chocolates/ bottle of wine/ book/ skirt/ flowers/ dinner out would increase the chances of you forgiving him exponentially (is that the correct word?)!!

Love

Frogga xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
(WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME? I SWEAR I AM A MAGNET FOR DISASTER?!)

Oh my Frogga!! You had me LOL so hard here, I just spewed tea all over my monitor!! I am how ever sorry to hear the *&%%$ landed on your poor legs!! men!! Liz, hang in there.. feed him oudoors and I wish you all the best!! ((Hugs and thoughts going out to both of you!)) Love, Desi... goin' to clean my monitor now.. LOl

Hey Liz and Frogga,

Here you go, something to cheer you up,
all the best

Installing Husband 1.0
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that
the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting
software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry
applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention
of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition,
Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as
DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new,
undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0,
Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system.
Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or
HouseCleaning 2.6.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose
utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please!!!!

Thank You, Jane
##############
Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but is mostly due
to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to
Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT
package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed
by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you
cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because
Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within
your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so
nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from
the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed
once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error
messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications,
or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install
Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more
problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under
"Warnings: Divorce/Child Support". You will notice that this program
runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend
you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and
illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the
entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This a
wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent
company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must
assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of
root cause.
To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU
LOVED ME" Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering
the command.
Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and
Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and
more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a
"C:\>I APOLOGIZE"
command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can
also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet,
Beer 6.0.
Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create
FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to
delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all
GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run
all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program,
but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications
quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally
recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in
conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running
smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar
and you will find many valuable embedded features such as
FixesBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install
MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause
selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only
Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install
Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in
coming years.
We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Hmmm.. the drunken intruder wasn't the splendid Ben was it? if so perhaps this is a good sign! that he chose your bed to pass out upon instead of girlfriend's? (hope springs eternal...)
so sorry about your legs. why bang pot lids together? why not bang them on his head??