[Always_Believe]

I didn't sleep well the night before. I have a furbaby who is struggling with some unknown something right now and he needed help late into the night. But, we got to the train on time. I haven't gone through the entire process of getting my 'free ride' card but I had my letter of eligibility so they allowed my ride there free.

Once downtown, we ordered our uber to get us to RIC. While navigating the curb to get in, imbalance hit and I landed on top of my walker. I hope this is not going to be the beginning of a trend.

Once there, the girl at the front told me they had a cancellation and my OT was now first, followed immediately by PT. Whew!! No longer 2 hours in between to figure out! Things were looking up!!!

OT was more emotional than anything. Those stupid "How well can you perform..." questions. I have some delayed response to touch on my ankle/foot. I also have some neuro disconnect with my left leg.

PT...ahhhh....PT. What is there to say about PT? The therapist was very nice. A few things he said hit home. Then there was the "There will be pain and tears..." "We have to work on re-building your brain's relationship with your leg" Okay. Fair enough.

In the end, I left feeling as though I needed to wrap my mind around getting up early, sitting on the train for 90 minutes. Waiting an hour for the start of the program. PT, OT and a lot of psychobabble. Then waiting an hour for a return 90 minute train ride.

I realize pain psychology is an integral component, as is PT/OT but if that is all this amounts to, I will be looking into something else. I have had 3 failed rounds of PT and a failed 2 weeks of aquatic therapy all due to no/inadequate pain management on a pharmaceutical level. What makes them, me or anyone think those therapies will be effective with the addition of "Hey there leg, I love you". Like I said, I am not discounting it's importance but there has to be something more. I have been asking for compounding creams for over a year - nothing. While lidoderm patches take the edge off, they don't do anything to get a pain level 8 to a tolerable level. Same with the lidocaine gel on it's own. Yes, I'm sorry, the only thing that has helped has been hydrocodone. Is it enough for PT? Apparently not how I was taking it. I wonder if there is some kind of cross-over that makes the psychobabble ineffective if there is real pain medication involved...?

I'm also struggling with how I can make this work at all with my current mindset. I try every day to pull out some positive. It's incredibly hard to find. OT was talking about finding something that makes me happy; PT something that makes me calm. Both of those things are things I am unable to do, which then makes me more upset thinking about it.

What makes you all happy? Relaxed?