thanks claudia just what the Doctor ordered for today, laughter!

hey you guys.....lay off with the old people jokes, willya?.....i'm going to be an official old person later this month! (60th birthday, yuck!).....at least i think it's this month.....my memory's not what it used to be.....then again, my memory's not what it used to be.

The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners. The Lamaze class

was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly,

and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at

this stage of the pregnancy.



She said: "Ladies: remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially

beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"

She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember: you're in this together.

So it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner"



The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man

at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.




"Yes?" asked the teacher.



"I was just wondering," the man said,

"is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

LOUISIANA GHOST STORY
> >>
> >> This happened about a month ago, just outside of Cocodrie, a little
> >> town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an
> >> Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.
> >>
> >> This out-of-state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking
> >> on a really dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed
> >> slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could
> >> hardly see his hand in front of his face.
> >>
> >> Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing
> >> ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and
> >> stopped.
> >>
> >> Wanting a ride real bad, the guy jumped in the car and closed the
> >> door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the
> >> wheel, and no sound of the engine to be heard over the rain.
> >>
> >> Again the car crept slowly forward and the hitchhiker was terrified,
> >> too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the
> >> car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he
> >> started to pray and, begging for his life, he was sure the ghost car
> >> would go off the road and into the bayou, and he would surely drown!
> >> But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's
> >> window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding
> >> the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand
> >> disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again.
> >>
> >> Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time
> >> they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had
> >> all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.
> >>
> >> Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and, voice quavering, ordered
> >> two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural
> >> experience.
> >>
> >> A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized
> >> the guy was telling the truth (and that he wasn't just some drunk).
> >>
> >> About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to
> >> the other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car
> >> when we waz pushin it in the rain."

The Curtain Rods

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit...

Repairmen refused to work in the house...

The maid quit...

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.


Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house.

She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...

..including the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU??

http://www.cubpack81.com/images/carve_pumpkin.swf

here is a way to carve your own pumpkins..............

WATER
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of
water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

BEER
We do not run that risk when drinking beer (or rum, whiskey, vodka, wine, or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = Poop
BEER = HEALTH

FREE YOURSELF OF POOP ... DRINK BEER
It is better to drink beer and talk **** than it is to drink water and be full of ****.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service and because I have a kind heart

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he
asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new
priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks
him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest,
and rub your chin with one hand......and try saying things like,
'I see', 'yes', 'go on', and 'I understand'."

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand
and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little
better than slapping your knee and saying
"No ****?.... what happened next?"

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table three objects:

* a Bible,

* a silver dollar, and

* a bottle of whiskey.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too . But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his ro om. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"

ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose
woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or
later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny
Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads."