They live among us ....................



1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.
After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up!"

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka KS Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart." "Is this her
first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
(Hellooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer down on Lake Isabella , located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield CA , some folks new to boating were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out -drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. (NOW REMEMBER.. THIS IS TRUE.) Under the boat, still
strapped securely in place... was the trailer!

Condor

Condor: Thanks for the really funny stories. They brightened my day. Lil

Condor is back and he's in fine shape!

Condor is definitely back!! Tooo funny. We need this no doubt. Thanks.

Mark

thx for the laughs!.....and maybe the good lord really loves stupid people.....why else would he have made so many of them?

glad to see the funnies will start back up......i will join in soon....................

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender . "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Thanks very funny. People in real life situations can be hilarious.

Big hugs to you and your wife! I am so glad your doin well.
With love
Allen

> > A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well
> > dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit,flower
> > in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave,
> > presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an
> > upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an
> > elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).
> > The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her,
> > orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,
> > "So tell me, do I come here often?"
> >
> > <><><><><><> <>
> >
> > An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for
> > a number of years.
> > He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have
> > him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the
> > gentleman to hear 100%.
> > The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the
> > doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is
> > perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you
> > can hear again."
> > The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my
> > family yet. I just sit around and listen to the
> > conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
> >
> > <><><><><><><>
> > Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were
> > sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the
> > other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm
> > just full of aches and pains. I know you're about
> > my age. How do you feel?"
> > Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
> > "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
> > "Yep. No hair,no teeth, and I think I just wet my
> > pants."
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Keep Reading
> >
> > A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
> > "So I hear you're getting married?"
> > "Yep!"
> > "Do I know her?"
> > "Nope!"
> > "This woman, is she good looking?"
> > "Not really."
> > "Is she a good cook?"
> > "Naw, she can't cook too well."
> > "Does she have lots of money?"
> > "Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
> > "Well, then, is she good in bed?"
> > "I don't know."
> > "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
> > "Because she can still drive!"
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~