[Bronco4586]

I want to start off by saying that this is off topic for this group but I dont know who else to ask but my friends here. Also I want to thank you in advance for any help you might offer.

I am engaged to the best woman in the world and she has three kids. I am trying to do everything I can but I am having issues with the 12 year old girl. She is the oldest and has several issues, but can be a great kid when she wants. She wants me around all the time and I give her all the attention I can, but it never seems like it is enough. I have been trying to help her with her homework, but I cant get her to understand it. She keeps saying that she gives up. There is alot more to the story, if you would like to know or have any suggestions please pm me. Thanks

[tayla4me]

Hi,
Sounds as though she is really testing you to see if you will stick around.
If she has been abandoned by a male figure in her life before she probably has huge trust issues.
Children often lose self esteem when there is a broken relationship as they often think it is their fault that things went wrong--They often feel that they must be a really horrible person otherwise that person would not leave her.
It seems as though some really good family therapy would be good but I applaud you for being committed to helping her through this.
Tons of luck
Tayla

[JOAN_M]

sounds like a very sad little girl looking for attention and love. also sounds like she could use some counseling before she goes to boys for the attention she is seeking. this is the age to catch that. once she becomes a teen, you will have a hard time getting through to her.
good luck, joan

[Desi]

Originally Posted by tayla4me

Hi,
Sounds as though she is really testing you to see if you will stick around.
If she has been abandoned by a male figure in her life before she probably has huge trust issues.
Children often lose self esteem when there is a broken relationship as they often think it is their fault that things went wrong--They often feel that they must be a really horrible person otherwise that person would not leave her.
It seems as though some really good family therapy would be good but I applaud you for being committed to helping her through this.
Tons of luck
Tayla

Tayla, Your post hit the nail right on the hammer!! Excellent post!!! Dana, Tayla is so "RIGHT ON" here! Please take her advice!! I applaud you, Tayla! Love, Desi

[Desi]

Hi Dana! Congratulation's on the engagement! Tayla and Joan both had some very good sound advice for you. How is she around her mom? Does her mom pay any attention to her? Is it just you and not her mom who she wants attention from? I babysat a little girl who was 8 -9 yrs. old at the time. Her mom and Dad went back and forth.. back and forth with each other. This child.. well, shall I now say 18 yr. old now...started smoking weed, taking unprescribed meds, drinking. She ALWAYS calls me for advice. She won't go to her mom or dad(The dad never married this girl's mom) but who wants to spend time with now. Well, she hates both her mom and dad. I am trying to get her to get some therapy and to go to AA NA.meetings. she doesn't think there's a problem, yet tells me everything she does, like she's proud or something?? She has been in strict homes for children, juvenile places... in and out... in and out. I don't know, now that she just turned 18. I know when she stayed with me a few months back, I had no drinking, no smoking(in my house) she smoked outside. cigarettes only, no weed. Well, she stayed for a while, helped with the house work, etc. in other words, she was being a good kid.CRAVING ATTENTION! I remember when she got to be 11 she was a latch key kid(A child who comes home, uses key to get in, no one around),as her mom is a RN and then when I got off from my other job to go on ahead to watch her.. it was attention.. atention.. atention!!! As I said eariler in this post,I am scared for her well being. her mom did try family councel, but to no avail!! she has stolen $$$ out of her mom's purse and has told me about it!! So, these are the in between stages in a childs life! I say DEMAND therapy now. the girl didn't want it,(when she was younger, her mom, who by the way.. is a good friend of mine.) her mom let her have her way just so she's outta her hair!! I could go on and on about this, that.. It starts in the home.. Just remember that. Wishing you the best, Dana, love~Desi

[Jomar]

The daughter could be developing a kind of "crush" on you as well as the other reasons listed already.
But yes at this age she needs to have a strong male role model as to how "men/dads" should or can be and how she can relate to them as she matures.

you and the mom might need to make a plan and maybe make a schedule of some sort if the daughter is getting too extreme in her need for your time?? If she gets too clingy??

I guess a lot depends on the bio father or any previous father like role models ??= in the picture, abusive, unstable etc.

[septmystic]

I agree with all the great posters here! I think that you could make a special time just for her, set aside a window of time (not excessive) once a week to watch a movie, read a book, etc. A limited time that is her time with no interruptions. I would include your significant other when talking with her and show a united front explaining that you all need time together, everyone is special to you. She is at a crucial time in her life when she is clinging and scared. I remember that time in my life. My mom had divorced from my dad and my stepdad did not know what to do with me, a clingy, scared, demanding 10 year old. He set aside an hour of just "Me" time once a week. He was a saint, letting me torture him with disco dancing, reading, walking, etc. But that one hour let me know I was special too. My son is 13 and my husband is not his natural father, but they spend one day of just "Man" time. What homework I can't help with he does, we alternate. It works for us.

I applaud men who are strong enough to take on a family, bravo to you and good luck.