Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy (RSD and CRPS) Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy (Complex Regional Pain Syndromes Type I) and Causalgia (Complex Regional Pain Syndromes Type II)(RSD and CRPS)


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Old 11-17-2007, 12:18 PM #1
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Unhappy Troubled with holidays

Sorry I haven't been on, most of you know what kind of year i've had. We are having a really hard time with the holiday's coming up. It will be the first without our little girl, and even thou I know she's in heaven....I'm having a really, really hard time. For any of you that has lost a child, you know what I'm going thru. I am trying so hard for my other daughters, and they do help, but it's always there, the memories and the pain. It doesn't help that the only way my husband can cope is by acting as if she never was here. He doesn't want to see her pictures, doesn't want to talk about her. I know it is his way, and that he is hurting as much as I am, but we are slowing drifting apart. His family is coming for thanksgiving next week, a famiy tradition, but I think we need to be alone with our girls next week. So, more fighting, more stress. I just don't know how to move on. How do you deal with the loss of a child, when you have 2 more who need all your attention. Our older girls were on the back burner during Josie's illness, so I feel they really deserve all my attention now. The problem is, I just can't seem to get it together, and neither can my spouse. SO, the question is???? how do I cope, how do I move on, and how do I help my family? I just needed to vent, and maybe If you have any advice, I'm open to suggestions. We are all going to a family grief counseler. So suggest away, and help me make it thru the holidays.
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Old 11-17-2007, 12:31 PM #2
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i lost 2 babies. my daughter lil'monkey was the only surviving triplet.

her brother and sister will never be forgotten. we buy gifts for them and donate them on the angel trees or toys for tots.

it's our way of including them, honoring them and giving to other children.

knowing that this will be a painful year will help. you will be more aware of the signs of grief. but still...it will hit you like a sledge hammer some days. it's been 13 years for me. and i still get smacked.

my husband is the stepfather. he doesn't understand my grief or lil'monkey's on her emptiness. you can't force your husband to talk orlook at pictures, but you can't conform to his way of grieving. if you and your girls need to talk about your sweety every day...then do it. she may not be there physically, but she is always there in spirit and in your heart.



my pm box is always open if you need to talk more in private. or chat.
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Old 11-17-2007, 01:18 PM #3
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Default Troubled holidays

I wish I had the right thing to say. I wish peace for you and your family during this hard time. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Julie
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Old 11-17-2007, 01:49 PM #4
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Default Hi Dolphin,

I have Susan and two stepkids and I couldn't imagine what I would do if anything happened to any of them. It's so hard to put yourself in someones place going through such a heartbreaking thing.

Bill will be gone a year on the 21st. The day before Thanksgiving so I can relate to some of your heartbreak. It doesn't seem to get any easier for me.
We have pictures of Bill all over. My Grandson's wanted it and they put them everywhere here, even in their room here.

I sat here at the computer at times and look at his pictures and I just wonder how I am going to keep going. We were married almost 35 years. The man did everything for me. He spoiled me.

It's going to be hard on Thanksgiving but we are going to have a house full of people so I know that will help keep our mind off of the sadness if only for a day. Everybody is bringing food.

I think being around people might be good for you. It's going to be hard though for you to cook for all of those people. I hope they are bringing things to help save you some of the fatigue and stress.

I do hope that you can find the strength to get through the holidays without too much stress.

I am having 2 quilts made for my Grandson's for Christmas using Bill's clothes.
Last year I bought them ornaments with an inscription about him. As Curious said we can do things to honor and remember them.

Ada
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Old 11-17-2007, 03:02 PM #5
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Heart Hi Dolphin,

I am so sorry about what you are going through - it must be so hard for you ((hugs)), you seem to be such a strong family
I wish I could say more.
You are all in my prayers and I am so sorry
Take care
Alison
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Old 11-17-2007, 06:37 PM #6
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Hi there,
I have been wondering how you have been over the last year.
I am so sorry that you are going through this .
My closest friend in the world lost a son 5 years ago now and her family still are struggling even though the outside world may think differently.
There are no rights or wrongs with grief,what seems ridiculous for some is normal for another.
My friend has not unpacked his bedroom and that is what is right for her but she is continually being told to pack his things away and move on
I don't believe you will ever get over the death of your little girl but it will get easier to talk about her and live a happy existance.
One year is not long---you are still very raw in emotions and the worst thing to do is to try and behave as though she never existed as some not so wise folk will have you do.
Your other children and husband will all be dealing with this in their own way. My friend has had enormous marital problems because she didn't think he was "grieving properly"
They are now far more understanding of each other as they still see a family counsellor 5 years later.
They also joined a group called Compassionate Friends which is a support group for those who have lost children---they get an unbelievable amount of comfort from this group even though initially they wanted to have nothing to do with them.
They learn to have fun again together, they learn to live for the living without feeling as though they are being disloyal to the one they have lost.
Is there a group such as this near you? It took 2 years for my friend to get the courage to join but she has never looked back.
My heart goes out to you.
Love Tayla
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Old 11-18-2007, 04:33 PM #7
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Hi Dolphin!
This is still all so fresh and new on the passing away of your daughter. My mom and dad and us kids lost a sister(34) and my twin brother(43) within 1 month of each other. It has been 10 yrs. and to this day, my mom can't look at their pictures. she starts crying. I remember my dad crying at the funeral and saying we were supposed to "Go first"! I suggest that you just go on ahead with your plans to have that Thanksgiving dinner, since Thanksgiving is almost here anyway. I do hope that everyone does pitch in with the cleaning, bringing food, etc. Your husband is probally doing his own grieving in his own way. Please just let him be. He will eventually come around. A lot of people grieve in their own way. Every time my mom comes over and see's Kathy's, David's pic. she just cries. (I leave the pic's out out). As for your two daughters, just be there for them(which you probably are already) explain that mommy gets sad at times when she thinks about their sister and she misses them, it is not their fault when mom is sad, cries, etc). Our first Thanksgiving, Christmas without our sister and brother were the worst, but we all were there at dinners, gift exchanges and mom and Dad were greatful for that. I am so very sorry again, for the loss of your precious Josie and I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers. God bless you sweetie.~Love, Desi
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Old 11-19-2007, 10:31 PM #8
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I think that there is a lot of survivor guilt that kids feel. My friend never engaged in therapy- either with his family or on his own. I think this would have done him a world of good. And especially the one on one therapy- just the child and a therapist. My friend always felt like he had to be so strong for his parents that he never let his feelings out. And that is so important. He had a pretty big escaping period with drugs, and I really feel like this never would have happened if he had an outlet. Some place where he didn't have to be the one who was left by fate. He felt a lot of pressure, and it's a lot for little shoulders to bear. (Imagined or real pressure in this situation.)

If you need to just be alone over Thanksgiving, just be with your immediate family. But sometimes more people can be a really good distraction, or a help in celebrating the person you are missing when you tire of carrying that mantle. It's hard to always be on, and while you probably feel like that's how you would have to be, maybe try to think that no one will ever fault you for not being perky or 'on' during this time.

Jeez- I just reread that and I want to say that I am not telling you that your kids are going to become druggies or anything! But they may need more of an escape than people realize. And remember to give yourself some escapes too.

It still hurts, and they weren't my brothers- I just saw it all from the side. And I can't tell you how long it will take until you feel brave enough to take on causes and lend support to others. It was a long time for my friend's mom. But I will always regard her as one of the bravest women I have ever met, mainly because she wasn't always brave and strong. Many a bottle of wine flowed on their birthdays, and you know what- you are more than allowed! You don't always have to be the strong one. I think it helped everyone when the veil of stoicism broke down here and there.

I hope some part of this helps in some small way. I hope that you can find some moment of peace in this upcoming holiday. Whether it's stolen away or with family- try to find just a moment.
Linnie
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Old 11-28-2007, 04:28 PM #9
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i'm so sorry for you and your family this holiday season. As for your husband, well some hearts ache different from other. It was good to see you post, and i'm sure your grief will ease, but never disappear. Allow your family to take care of you and yours this holiday season. People always ask "what can I do", well maybe you should tell them what to do. Dont feel bad about asking someone else to cook or someone else to shop for you. When people say they want to help, they really do. Lean on them. The last advice I can give is know we are praying for you and your family.
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Old 11-28-2007, 11:25 PM #10
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Oh my gosh!

I just reread my message and realized that the first half of it did not get posted! I didn't just dive in like that, honest. I'm sorry that it appears so abrupt. In the part that disappeared, I mentioned that my best friend's two little brothers died of illness while I was in junior high and high school. After that I knew that to endure the death of a child would be my ultimate nightmare- and I commend you for your strength and perseverance. I am a newbie around here, but I don't think that's important in matters of empathizing.

I just wanted to soften what got posted- I'm really not that cold. I hope that you are doing well and enjoyed your holiday.

Linnie
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