Thats the sound I hear in my head everyday lately as depression is trying to creep into my life. I am desparately trying to fight it off. By nature I am a goof ball. I love people and I enjoy just about everything I do. I was always a very active person. I travelled all over the world many times and have lived in several different countries since I was a young man.

If I thought something was interesting I went for it. I proudly and honorably served my country when I was a young man. At one time I became what was called a Orphan Escort. In otherwords when someone would adopt a child from another country I would go to that country a get the child for them. I loved it. Can you imagine going to Cambodia for a little girl and with a bribery of 6 cartons of cigarettes and a few forged documents I bought back 8 more with me including a severely malnourished infant. It broke my heart but at the same time I was overjoyed to know they all now had a chance to survive and they are doing spectacular.

I was a International Flight Attendant for 15 years. Met many dignataries and celebraties in my time. I have been a Radio Disc Jockey. I have worked in the Pentagon and worked for NASA. I am the youngest in a large very loving family. As many of you may remember, my Mom died on Valentines Day a year ago and I miss her so so much.

I cannot let depression get me I just can't allow it. I am on meds but I feel it is stronger. I am going to talk to my doc on Monday about changing the meds and ASAP. I am so afraid that if I fall into a depression it may take a very very long time for me to come out of it. I love you guys and to lose the desire to chat with you everyday would be devastating.

Chin Up!!!!!!

Mark

i hear you mark. i have very high pain levels daily. keeping my chin up...it is what i have to use to get through the day. motivational reading. jokes. just plain ole acting silly with grandmonkey. i really am the best spiderwoman in town.

anything i can do to help i will. chat..post back and forth.

pain is such a stealer of smiles and laughter. unless we laugh so hard we cry to cover it up.

you do put smiles on faces here all day long.

ya know..you aren't a little itty man. you might not being getting enough meds to fight off the depression. fall time and it getting dark earler doesn't help. i know some of the members here use "light boxes" to help with depression. a little ray of sunshine.

chin up mark...but not tooooo high...or you might not see us down here.

Hey what are light boxes? If you mean playing with fire, uh oh, rule me out.

Like my mammy always told me - you play with fire you'll wet the bed! Seriously she did. Don' ask me where that came from but just one out of a very very long list of old sayings in her book of superstitions.

I aint right. So sue me. Thats what I tell people. I carry a license to be a goof ball. I figure if it helps me to maintain my remaining sanity. But you could be right about my Doc not given me enough meds. But I hate them and I would hate to think I would have to go up on them. I fell down the stairs a little while ago. Third time this week. I'm just not as resilient as I use to be. I'm fine just bruised a little.

I'm mostly angry that I have no balance anymore. I am moving my bedroom down onto the main floor this weekend (well I have help doing it for me). There are no bedrooms on the main floor so I am taking over the dining room. I can close off all the doors. It is close to the first floor bathroom. I hate to do it but I can't climb two flights of stairs to bed anymore. This is such a huge house and I cannot wait to sell it in Spring and buy a one floor ranch style in Maine.

Chin Up

Mark

mark..here are a couple of links about light therapy

http://www.apollolight.com/index.html
http://www.psycheducation.org/depres...ghtTherapy.htm

i do know how it feels to not be able to do the things you did..say even a week ago. or do them and..well..suffer for it.

moving down stairs sounds like a smart thing to do. it does put you closer to the kitchen for midnight snacking. having that less worry about falling might relly help. plus no recovery time from the falls.

so are you packing already? hehehe...i would be so anxious for the winter to be over i'd be living out of boxes. we are thinking of down sizing too. when we bought this house we had no idea that we would have our granson full time. this ain't a house for a little boy and his meme to play hide n seek....super hero's ( i am spiderwoman ) too much glass..marble floors..and my little guy...he is a finger print monster.

oh...btw my kudos to yu for giving those children a chance at a better life. you are one special man.

It's good that you are on depression meds that at least takes the edge off of the depression but your body may be getting use to what you are on and it may not be doing the job anymore.

I can't take depression meds anymore but when I did zoloft and prozac I actually got worse. I was even more suicidal, my nurse said she was the same way.

Bill is on Lexapro for depression and he swears by it. His depression came mostly from his illnesses though. You can't even tell he's ever been depressed now. He goes all the time even though he has to carry his oxygen with him. He does my grocery shopping and gets my meds. The only thing he doesn't do for me and if he could I'd let him is go to the Dr. for me. LOL

Like you I was very active in life but it sounds like you had some wonderful jobs and a great time traveling and you did a lot of good for people. It's hard to give up the things you enjoyed and I think it's even harder to accept that we can't do them.

I've talked about my depression a lot in the years I have been on here and I have lived in councelling since around 98. I would have killed myself by now had I not been in councelling. I've only met one person that has depression as bad as mine and she is oddly enough in the medical field. I sunk down in a well so deep I honestly thought I would never get out of it. It drove me crazy thinking I wouldn't get out of it also. I still deal with really bad depression but it seems like it's in a different way now. I am not quite as suicidal but I still do not get dressed most days and the winters are worse because in the summer I did get out and take a walk but that was the extent of my day out. Actually it seemed like the distance I went in walking was as far as I seemed to be able to get away from the house. I hate leaving my house.

Here lately I started going back down again and I'm thinking the winter has added to mine along with the pelvic pain I'm dealing with. I am hoping having something done for this pain might help me pull myself up even more.

I think with you like me it's hard to accept the fact that we can't do the things we use to do and sat down and do nothing. I always had a fun life, I did some traveling, did antiqueing for years and managed apartments and went hunting and fishing and camping and it seemed like Bill and I never stopped going. I loved being around people and I did some volenteer work for Hospice and was very outgoing. I have none of that now and it's accepting where we are at nowadays that is hard.

I try to enjoy my grandson's and we make jewelry together and I have a sewing room and I keep things on hand to work with all of the time. I think the key Mark is to maybe find some things you can do at home and sitting down is something that might help you feel better.

I'm sorry to hear you have fell 3 times. I am hoping you didn't hurt yourself either time. I fell 12 times. I can actually remember everywhere I was when I fell. I'm wondering why we tend to fall so much. I chalked mine up to my meds and the vertigo. Once though Devin when he was about 3 he climbed on a stack of flats and jumped. I knew I had to catch him and I caught my self with my right hand that was my worst fall.

I'm glad you are moving down stairs, that's the best thing you can do. Puts you closer to the kitchen too. LOL. Just kidding. I try to stay as far away from my kitchen as possible. I seem to think about food all of the time.

You are such a great asset here and so helpful to us. I do hope you can hang around. I do know what it's like not to be able to. Just try to keep busy also and try and keep your mind off of the sadness. I watch tv a lot and I read books. I talk on the phone a lot also. I have a lot of support. I hope you do. Are you in councelling? That's something you might want to try.

I hope you start feeling better and hang around with us.

Ada

mark,

if i were given the power to cure only 3 diseases, depression would be one of them.....monkey and ada had a couple of good suggestions......if u do consider counselling, try to find someone who has experience with chronic pain/disability.....or maybe grief counselling?....it isn't that long since u lost your mother, and it takes a long time to adjust to a major loss like that, especially when dealing with other important losses, like health.

another thing u could consider after u get your social security (don't do it till then - they'll consider it proof that u could work) is becoming a literacy volunteer, teaching adults to read....they train u, and it only involves a few hours a week of one-on-one time....and i'm sure there r other volunteer organizations that would be thrilled to have u, even on an occasional basis.

from my own experience, i'd have to recommend AGAINST working with young kids....i was a helper at my grandkids' school last year (one , just one, hour a week) and i spent the whole winter sick....i had forgotten that kids go to school, not to get an education, but to trade diseases -- and they were happy to share the germs with me!

as for playing with fire and wetting the bed?.....those r 2 of the 3 warning signs of a sociopathic personality in kids!....what on earth were u up to as a kid if your mother felt the need to warn u about that?......hmmmmmm?????

was your mother irish?.....lots of irish folk on my family tree and i think they're the most superstitious bunch in the world.....i still find it strange to leave a building by a different door than i used when entering, and i KNOW it doesen't mean anything, but my mother totally drilled that into us!

i hope u find the perfect house....i love one-floor living!....our house is a cape cod, but has 2 bedrooms on the first floor, so it's like living in a rancher for me....i don't go upstairs very often.....the 2 rooms upstairs r the guest room (very rarely used) and bill's "study" (think dumpster with windows - he's not a very neat person)....our laundry room is on the first floor too, which has made life much easier for me.

don't hesitate to vent when u feel that ominous "knock-knock"....there r so many of us who fight depression, that we understand and want to help.

and i AM keeping my chin up.....at 5'3", it's the only way i could possibly talk to u!

liz

I did want to say something about that saying" Play with fire and you'll wet the bed". My Mom use to tell us the same thing. I don't remember where you are from but I was just wondering if it is a Southern saying or if our Mom's use to say that just to keep us from playing with matches. LOL
I told my boys that awhile back just to keep them away from lighters and matches. Don't know if they believed me though, they are smarter then me.

It is so dreary here today that I just got dressed and it's around 2:00. I do somewhat better when the sun is out.

I hope you are doing much better today.
Ada

Mark,
I hope you are feeling better. I have been in so much pain the last few days, I have been a little depressed. i guess the weather changing has just made the pain so intense. Hang in there, and you know we're here for you anytime.

((((HUGS))))
Janet

Hey Mark,

Just wanted to say...what an interesting chap you are! Ever been through Hong Kong? That's great, what you did for the Cambodian children, wonderful.

So...yeah, I think you should read Dragon a few books, if you have the time , apparently it works much better, and progressively better, the more you can read to it.

Couple of recipes for keeping depression at bay: a) watch Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers movies and b) put on music you really like *full blast*, so what about the neighbours, and chair dance to it - you know, jigging about in your chair, I do it all the time - specially to Motown, oh yeah baby..

And lastly, weather permitting, try to catch a sunrise or sunset; it resets a lot of things, like your timeclock if you have jetlag ( it works!) but also regrounds your whole system. It's free, beautiful and effective more often than not.

Love ya, all the best!

Mark: If you are able, try putting out food for the birds. It will keep them from being hungry and you can watch them from your window. You will be rewarded with delightful bird songs. Regards, Lil