I am truly sick of all of this and wondering how much worse things can actually get.

This weekend on Saturday morning, we got a call from my grandma saying that my grandad had collapsed and that he wasn't breathing and that she thought he had passed away and that she didn't know what to do. My dad immediately rushed round to check on them both whilst my mum called an ambulance.

The person on the phone to my mum called my dad and told him to start doing CPR to try and get his heart beating again whilst the ambulance arrived. The ambulance arrived pretty quickly and they started doing CPR also and told my nanan and dad to go and sit in the kitchen out of the way.

My dad called and asked my mum to go to my nanans house so she did straight away. The ambulance crew were working on my grandad in the house for about half an hour and then they finally got my grandad into the ambulance. They said they had got a little heart-beat but not to get our hopes up as they thought it was from the drugs that they were giving him. My mum took my grandma to the hospital and my dad came round and checked on me.

The ambulance even had a police escort them to the hospital to try and give my grandad the best chance of surviving. When the ambulance arrived at the hospital, they rushed my grandad straight into the ER and started doing treatment and CPR on him.

Unfortunately after an hour of trying to get my grandads heart back beating, they had to call it a day and my grandad passed away.

My mum and dad came and picked me up and rushed me straight through to the hospital. I was SO upset and in such great shock when they told me what had happened.

The Doctors allowed us to go and see my grandad and that had to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. Seeing my grandad laid there with tubes hung out of his mouth was heart breaking and me and my mum, dad and nanan burst into tears. My nanan kept shouting to my grandad telling him to stop being stupid and to wake up .... it was too upsetting to see so I went out of the room.

By the time we got out from seeing my grandad, most of our family had arrived. The nurse gave us all a book to read about what to do following a bereavment and explained a few things to us. It is believed my grandad had a major heart attack but because it came on SO soon, they are having to do a post-mortum to rule out everything else.

My nanan found out today that the funeral is going to be next Tuesday (a week tomorrow) and they are having a service at the church and then they are going to the crematorium and then having a small dinner in the local pub near where we live.

I am SO upset and angry at the moment. I wont eat (my nanan literally had to force me into eating as I hadn't eaten for 28 hours), I wont talk hardly, keep crying, can't sleep as everytime I close my eyes, I see my grandad laid there etc. All of this just seems like one big nightmare, I keep hoping that I will wake up and everything will be OK but I know it wont be.

I wish I could turn the clock back, there are so many things I wanted to say and wish I had done differently but I know I can't do that now.

Me and my mum wrote a verse today for the local newspaper and it made me cry as it is SO true.

This is what we wrote:

We never got the chance to say
One last goodbye to you
To let you know how much you mean to us
But we are sure you knew…..

No dad could have been better
No grandad was more fun
The times we shared were precious
Your smile brought out the sun

You’ll always be here with us
Forever in our thoughts
Sleep well dear Dad and Grandad
Thanks for the joy you brought

If I could say one thing to all of you on the forum, it would be to tell your family and friends how much they truly mean to you and tell them often that you love them. I didn't say this often enough and had to learn the hard way and it is SO much harder than you could imagine and I don't want any of you to go through what I am.

I wish my grandad could come back, I love him so much! He was the best grandad you could ever wish for. He used to make cards and everyone thought it was silly but he loved it and it brung such joy and pleasure to his face. I really want to continue making the cards as it is what my grandad would have wanted.

Well, I better go as i'm crying again. I know I should be strong and that my grandad wouldn't want to see me like this but it's so hard to do so.

(I know this isn't really about RSD but I knew you would all understand probably better than anyone).

Dearest Alison....

Big gentle hugs coming your way! My deepest sympathies to you and your family.

Ali I'm so sorry for all that you and your family are going through. It's so terribly difficult to lose a loved one. I lost my DH seven years ago in much the same way....very sudden and no advance warning of any kind. It just rips the rug right out from under you.

You're right.....we should all let our families know how much they mean to us each and every day. I never say goodbye to either of my boys (be it on the phone or in person) without telling them I love them. And they do the same with me. Unfortunately we all know just how fragile life is and how quickly it can be taken away from us.

You're fresh into this grieving process, Ali....don't expect too much from yourself and please don't punish yourself. None of this was your fault. Everyone has their own way of grieving....no one way is better than another. It's all very individual and personal....so if you feel the need to cry, then cry. If not, then do what gives you some comfort.

You and your family are in my prayers.

I'm so sorry about your granddad. Its awful to lose someone so close. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Take Care

Laraine

Ali,

I'm so sorry for what you are going thru. My girls lost their grandfather the same way. I know it is so very hard to go thru. Just remember that he knew you loved him. As a parent and a grandparent, I know I'm loved, even tho I don't hear it everyday. Please keep eating and taking care of yourself. The last thing your grandfather would want is for you to suffer more then you are. Honor his memory, but honor his life even more. Grow to be the beautiful young woman that you will become, and do it because of him, and in memory of him.
take your time to grieve. He will always be with you, not in body, but in memories and love.

PM me if you want.

Hugs
Mary

I'm very sorry to hear what you are going through.

My two Grandson's were about your age when Bill passed away 2 years ago last Friday. My biggest concern was getting them through it. I hope that your Mom and Dad can help you with this as I believe they will.

Dustin took it the hardest. He was 13 and Devin was 12. They still carry a picture of him on their cellphones and even a picture of his dog which died about a year after we lost Bill.

Just about a month ago they put a song on the phone by Cheech and Chong. He loved those two and the boys watched those movies with him.

It does get easier but it takes time but I think as much as you loved your Granddad you will always have him in your heart the way the boys do Bill.

My heart goes out to you and your family in this time of grief.

Ada

Ali,

Please know that you and your family are in my prayers. Do not dwell on what you wish you had said or done. There is no way that you should put yourself on a guilt trip. I am sure that you loved your grandad with all of your heart, and trust me he knew that!

Remember the many wonderful memories of the time you had with him. There is nothing wrong with being sad (we all have things that we wish we could have done differently) but don't let anger fill you with negative energy. You need to eat to maintain your strength, so please do the right thing.

Take care,

EJ

Awwwww, Ali, sweetheart. You are such a precious jewel -- I'll bet your grandfather knew that. You are so loving and giving, even though you have your own plate full.

I am glad you are going to continue creating cards, because you know your granddad would approve. The poem you and your mum wrote says it all. If you hadn't said who wrote it, I would have guessed you borrowed it from a greeting card. It's perfect.

I am so sorry for you! You poor thing! I am 34 and still have my grandparent's (on my mom's side) and know how much I love them, that I can't even imagine what this is like for you!

Hang in there and please let me know if you need to talk/vent/etc...........


Erin

I'm sorry to hear of your loss.

We really do need to act more like the lives of we and ours are tentative. It won't really make it easier when people die probably.

I'm sure you'll find the strenght to get through this.

Best wishes.