I am writing to thank all of you for your kind words. I'm trying to keep busy and I guess doing this is one way of doing it. I have been laying in bed working word puzzles and watching tv just to keep my mind off of losing Bill.

This is the first night I have been alone. I have had my boys for 2 nights but they have school tomorrow so they had to go home.

I am having a time dealing with this. I don't even know where or how to start. When I think about not getting to say goodbye to him except when he couldn't hear me then it makes me hurt even more.

I want to be alone to think about him and to cry over him but then again, I'm feeling alone.

Claudia called me tonight to talk to me and I am so thankful for such a good friend has she has been to me. I got off of the phone with her because I felt so tired but trying to go to sleep is nearly impossible.

The services were the most beautiful I had ever seen. We couldn't get a Minister because of the holidays so our PCP spoke and our Undertaker. They both new Bill well enough that they could talk about him in a personal way.

No one knows what this is like until they go through it. I know some of you here most likely have in time.

I am going to try and rest some. I know if I lay down I will be thinking of him so much I won't be able to sleep. We were married 34 years as I told you and we just seemed to wrap outselves up in our own little world and loved it.

Thanks again for all of your support.

Ada

How kind of you to take the time to let us know how you're doing. There are a million things I want to say to you, but instead I have a recommendation for a book. I really urge you to go to your local bookstore and order a copy soon as you can (I'm fairly certain it's still in print). It says all the things I would like to.

It's called "In the Center of the Night" by Jayne Blankenship. Originally published by G. P. Puttnam's Sons in 1984, it's subtitled "A journey through bereavement". It's the story, kind of a diary, of an American lady after the death of her husband - I was given this book when Mike died, and finally got round to reading it far too late. I wish I had taken the advice given at the time, because it's wonderful, quite invaluable. It became my "bible" for quite a while. Even if it's not in print, try to find a copy (Amazon does that kind of thing).

Oh boy, I remember that first night alone. A good friend had stayed with me for 10 days straight, but people gotta get on with their lives... it's the smells, such a trigger. I really understand, Ada, and I'm so glad you have your daughter and her family.

You're doing the right thing - keeping very busy. although it's surprising just what a lot of things have to be done at a time like this...and don't expect things to ease up just yet, there'll be a lot of folk who won't have heard the news wanting to speak to you for quite a while to come. And yes, not being able to say goodbye...it's so hard. My Mike died in 20 minutes - he was a medical doctor and told me what he was dying from (aortic dissecting aneurysm) but I didn't believe him, till he quickly proved me wrong. But go get that book immediately.

You're in my heart very much at the moment.

What are you going to do about the surgery, btw?
lots of love and hugs xxx

Ada, you take time for YOU hon...and you come back when you need someone to talk to, or to cry to, or to laugh with. And if you want to join us on the Topamax Trip, just send your reservation in...we'll be happy to pick you up and try to keep your mind off things. Although, that may not be what you want to do.

34 years is a long, wonderful time. And it's going to be a long time before this gets any easier. You'll never forget...and neither will he. he's watching over you, loving you still. I used to tell my son, "I love you to the moon" and he'd say "and back again" - and I'm sure you and Bill had something similar. Just remember thngs like that...those special things. And those are the things that will carryyou thru.

In the meantime, smell his smell, feel his touch, and listen for the sounds of his laughter in your mind. Those are the things that will tell you he's still there...if not in body, then in mind and soul and spirit....those things are never ending, never dying, and will always keep you company in your grief and loneliness....

{{{ada}}}