you aren't alone...hang in there, I know the days are long and feels like theres no end in sight. We are here...understanding and apologies are not needed, if it helps you feel better, then peachy...but we get it!:grouphug:

About the massage --- for the first year, maybe longer... I cried during my treatment - sometimes yelling out it hurt so,so bad. In fact, I often started crying before I was even in the treatment room. My body knew what was coming. I still cannot say it is pleasurable, even 5 years later - I hurt worse that entire day - but a couple days later, I am better. My therapist was careful not to have anyone else the office when I was there - she didn't want to scare them!!! I really don't know how she had the courage to work on me. I have known her as a friend of a friend for 20 years - and I trusted her - so I stuck with it.

I really believe that this massage therapy is why I have been one of the lucky few that does not have the skin sensitivity. I have a **little** bit.... I used to be able to wear heavy wool socks, which I cannot do now... but other than that, I am pretty good.

I started the massage therapy a few days after my first injury that caused the RSD, and again, when I injured my shoulder that caused it to move there. So I have been doing the massage pretty much from day one on all new areas.

Now I go for maintenance - every 3 weeks in the winter, because it's difficult weather and driving where I live - and every 2 weeks the rest of the year.

So - hang in there with it. I does get better -- but you may never get to the point of having a "relaxing" massage again.

I am sorry the Topamax didn't work for you.

Hoping you find some peace with this. Try reading Shinzen's book. It can't hurt.