They took scar tissue out. I have 3 one inch cuts and then they went in through my navel. I have no navel left I'd say because this is at least the 3rd time they have went in thru it. It didn't look right before so now after it heals I'd say it's gone. LOL

It was rough. One of my friends is a nurse in the operating room. She came in the room before surgery and talked to me about Bill. She knew him well also. She talked about how hard it is going to be. She lost her dad suddenly 2 years ago and she says her Mom is just now getting better. She said she went back and forth thinking about selling her place and finally she has decided to stay. I am going to stay here for now. Our house is big so I do think later on I might rent out a room and a bath to an elderly lady. That's just one of my thoughts. My kids want to pay if off for me in Jan. at tax time and let me move into an apartment and have extra money coming in on it. I only owe one more year on it. I don't like apartments but me keeping up an acre of land seems impossible too. I can't even start up a lawnmower.

I have been crying a lot. I think now the shock is wearing off. I kept my boys Wed. night and I went into the bedroom to cry. This was the first time I'd kept them since Bill passed. It was a reminder of how much he helped me with them. He would sat in the livingroom and watch anything they wanted to watch and I would watch tv in my room. I would go in to feed them and check on them off and on. I always tease them about being like little animals. I have to get them fed and watered so we could bed down for the night.

I did put up a tree. I needed to keep some normalcy for them. They haven't said anything about their Grandpa and I don't know if I should bring it up or not. I know they miss him. We have been with them since the day they were born in the hospital 13 years ago and 12 years ago. They each have a room here so that shows how much they are in our lives. We kept them one to two nights a week and on weekends. I get them again tonight. I have a Drs. appt. and then I'll pick them up.

I finally got out Christmas cards and thank you cards. I just felt like I needed to keep busy and keep things normal as normal as they can be.

I've had so many friends to come forward and help me. I am blessed with so many good people in my life. I feel like all of you here are a big part of my life. I have been here since around 99 so we have become family.

Bill's kids were wonderful to me. They helped me around here the week they stayed. They put the new lock on my back door that Bill had bought to put on. He had most everything done for me. He knew his time was near because of our family Dr. helping us to get things in order before he passed. We had just started paying on our cremation the month before but I actually thought we had a lot longer then we did. We sat at the table with Tom to fill out the paperwork for the cremations and Bill was laughing and talking about how we were planning a trip to Arizona and California. What a shock it was even though I knew.

Bill talked to Susan for an hour the night before and had talked to a friend of his the night before. Susan said he never talked to her that long. With us, we were watching CSI together the night before and talking about the show. It's strange how you don't say the things you should say because you think you have a lot of time left. Everyone should remember they may not have a lifetime together.

I just wanted to let all of you know that I'm trying to get through this, it's hard but I'm trying.

Thanks for all you have done for me and thanks for the phone calls.

Love.
Ada

I hope you are doing a little better

Hello Ada: Please take extra care of yourself at this time. When we are stressed, our bodies need extra time to heal. I am glad that your boys are staying with you. Children have a way of lifting our spirits with their promis of things to come. You are always in my thoughts, Lil

Ada,

I'm glad that you got the surgery done and overwith and that you had a good friend at the hospital there with you. I pray that you have a speedy recovery!

You mentioned talking about Bill openly around the house with the kids. You know I lossed my Mom 20 years ago, and even then, people didn't want to speak about it. I found comfort to talk about her. I hope you don't mind me saying that in my opinion, the boy's need this comfort to know that when people pass on that they are not just "forgotten." In their young minds not speaking about their grandfather could be misinterpretted. Just saying simple things as Bill (Grandpa) would like this. Oh Grandpa would be proud of you. Or how would Grandpa do that. And telling stories will add comfort to them in thier grief and yours, Ada.

My Uncle just passed away a few months ago and even though they knew his time was near, it's been very difficult on my Aunt. She has some wonderful friends that has been keeping her quite busy. She attended the local bereavement meetings and has now some new friends that she says are very helpful during this most difficult time. Just like you, this will be her first holiday season without her Husband. She says this is a big step but with her bereavement friends by her side she feels stronger. You might just find a little time for such a meeting in your area.

As for your lovely home, an acre is a lot of home for you to take care of. But, for you to make such a decision to stay, sell, or rent out a room and deal with anothers personality is not a decision to make so soon. You need to heal both physically from your surgery and emotionally from your loss. You have such a supportive family that within time, I bet you dollars to dounuts a solution that will delight you will be found.

I bet you your tree is beautiful. Filling your home with holiday spirit and keeping your home together as normal for yourself and the kids is the best medicine.

Take good care of yourself and be safe. Merry Christmas.

With hugs and aloha, Dana

Hi Dana,
Thanks for the good advice for the boys. I haven't talked to them about Bill because I didn't know if it was what I should do. I do know that Travis and Susan has sat them down and talked to them. Travis has a way with that. He's just their stepfather but he worships the ground those two walk on and he deals with each issue as it comes up. Susan leaves a lot of things for him to talk to them about. I wanted to the other night but then I thought no, I'd better not.

They are just so use to him sitting in the livingroom with them watching TV with them that I just kept thinking they might be going through some grief over him not being with them.

Your right about the house also. I will wait awhile to make the decision on anything with the house. Travis wants to pay it off in January so I don't have to worry about not being able to make it and he says if I want to rent it out it would be more money for me to live on. I just hate the thought of leaving here though. Bill and I worked our buts off on this house to get it just the way we wanted it. We both just had disability coming in but we were always so sufficent. He got a lot done before he passed so I only have one more minor thing to get fixed about it.

I have talked to two people that told me horror stories about people moving in with them so I'm thinking no on that one anyway.

I am dreading Christmas without Bill. We have so many traditions that when we go to do them, it's going to be hard to keep from crying in front of the kids.

I have offered my house again this year for the dinner. Last year it was friends and family and year before last the same so I thought I'd let everyone bring dishes as always and go from there. I always end up sick though on that day. I cannot eat the rich foods that comes with Christmas. I just thought if I was kept busy it wouldn't be so hard.

I have been fighting back tears a lot but when I'm alone I cry a lot. Councelling is helping me a lot to talk about Bill.

Thanks to all of you for the well wishes.

Love,
Ada

Ada,
My heart goes out to you. My husband is 10yrs older so I think alot about how hard it will be for me. He has diabetes, high blood pressure & he is on a cholesterol med too & he has COPD so actually he is more ill than I am. But we are both home as he has been on disability since 89 due to his back. And he may be having back surgery next year. We will find out on 12/21. For him to finally have relief from pain makes me so happy. But with all the other, well I worry alot about him.

I agree also that you should not be afraid to bring Bill up to the boys. I have a feeling that they might have been told not bring Grandpa up unless Grandma does. It will be a part of your & their healing process to speak of Bill I think. I know when my Mom & Dad both passed away I told the kids to speak of them as much as they wanted too. Like with you & Bill always having been their for & with them since they were born, my folks were their for my two children. The 3 people they could always count on to be there for them was Grandma, Grandpa & myself. They were only 8 & 7 yrs old. And we still talk of them. That was in 1985 for Mom & 1993 for my Dad. The strangest thing about that was they died 8 yrs apart BUT on the same day, Oct 27. Anyway it is healthy even if you & they do cry. Crying is healthy. And it also teaches the boys that it is OK to cry.

For me, Christmas was my Mom. She always went all out at the holidays for my kids. And for my brothers boys when they were home for the holidays. So putting up the tree & doing as much the same as possible is GOOD for you & all the kids. I know it is hard for you, but is also good for you.

Many *HUGS* going out to you during this hard time for you.

I sure hope your surgery takes care of the problem you were having. And take care of yourself. I also agree you need to take more time to make any BIG decisions concerning your home. It is just too soon for that.

Please take care of yourself. Be good to you....

Love ya,
DebbyV

Ada, I'm so pleased the surgery went well overall, it sounds like you're doing good, I know it's hard. Your family sounds wonderful, I'm thankful they're there for you.

I think you should talk to your grandchildren; my grandfather died when I was about 9, older brother 13, younger brother 6, we'd spent a lot of our childhood with them both and although my granny was rather aloof, my grandpa made a lot of time for us, walking, singing and playing. A bit like your Bill. She talked about him after his death, and would mention him often. Her sorrow was very visible for years after, and I think her talk helped us to understand her better.

I have always appreciated that she told us quite a bit about him as a person. You know, what he did when he was young - they were childhood sweethearts. Knowing more about his life story made him much more real than before, when he was just "my Grandpa"... and I still miss him, after nearly 50 years! I wish I'd known both my grandparents better, and the older I get, the more I respect the lives they lived.

Take care, Ada, please look after yourself,
all the best

Debby,
Bill had the COPD and enlarged heart. He was 10 years older then me. He was 65.

He had back surgery when he was 30 and died on the table and they brought him back. He had been doing so good though for years. I honestly believe he would be alive today if it wasn't for the medication catapres. I'd get the Drs. to take him off of it and a few months later theyed have him right back on it. I believe it started the end 3 years ago. Study up on any meds either of you take and notice the side effects.

I took the boys to Wal-mart today and Hastings. We did talk about Grandpa. We are going to get a Christmas ornament with his name on it for the tree. The undertaker suggested that to remember him by.

It seems as time goes on, I'm getting worse. I am having a really hard time dealing with it now. I believe the shock has worn off.

Thanks for all of your good wishes and help.

Ada

Big hugs to you Ada, how are you feeling today from the surgery? I pray that since the surgery that is better for you.

What is Hastings? I've not heard of this.


Hugs

Debbie

Hi Debbie,
Hastings is a book store, video game store and movie store and much more. I know Janet said they had one in her area. They are fairly well known.

I'm feeling ok right now. I had to put a patch on my lower left side last night but that was due to the RSD. I know my body so well I can pretty much tell what's going on everywhere. I know what they mean when they say get in touch with your body.

They did 1 incision on each side and one in the navel. It does feel better though. I was blessed I believe and got a good Dr. He's only been around here for 2 years. We have two other surgeons here that people pretty much have blackballed. You hear nothing good about them.

I live right in the hub of 3 towns so I can go to either but unfortunetly the closest one has a lousy hospital and lousy Drs. I can pretty much attest to that because I believe I have seen them all. LOL. Our hospital has the last name of Moore and people call it Morgue.

I have to get my boys up soon. I slept maybe 2 hours last night. I'm having a hard time dealing with losing Bill. It seems to be getting harder to get through.

They played 3 songs at his funeral. They played, Wings beneath my wings, If Tomorrow Never Comes, and When I get Where I'm going. Now I can't stand to hear those songs on the Radio. They played religous songs in the background also while our Dr. and Charles did the service. It was a really beautiful service. I couldn't have asked for any better. He knew everybody because we owned an Antique shop here. We were blessed in friends.

Sorry I'm just rambling on. IT's just really rough right now.

Thanks for asking about me and I did so enjoy talking to you when you called me.

Love,
Ada