[miatri]

It has been almost eight years since nerves in my spinal cord were damaged, with full paralysis of one leg, months as a head in a bed, and years of desperate visits to physicians for some form of help other than toxic prescriptions and their bad attitudes. Years of daily contemplation of ways to kill myself, never much doubt that would be a cure, a way to escape the persistent decline of the body and growing madness inside the head.

There has never been an easy button, or at least I never found one. It has been an epic voyage of seeking, searching for answers, support, and understanding and always relief, freedom from mind numbing, body crippling pain. But the pain persists, the physical limitations continue to manifest, spread to new body parts, reaching heights of sudden, swamping nastiness. So how have I found my Serenity? How did I recreate a Life without pharmaceuticals, without misery and without suffering? And how can what I have accomplished help those trapped in their own personal nightmare with pain?

From the beginning I knew one thing for certain; no one else, no friend, family member, or medical practitioner could ever bring a more meaningful commitment to my recovery than I could. It’s simply not possible, no one else lives in this body or mind with me, no one else can care more deeply, or work more diligently than I can, and the same is absolutely true for every person, no matter the issue. Yet the one thing I could not do for myself in those early days and years, the one thing I required as much as relief from pain and without which thoughts of suicide flourished, was to be heard and validated by physicians.

The first and most powerful breakthrough came when I released myself from the desperate search for a humane doctor. None of their pharmaceuticals ever came close to quieting the bone deep burning pain anyway. At best they only numbed my brain enough to make me care less about my life, or death for that matter. I knew I would have to sacrifice my body, allow it to carry the burden of suffering, in order to clear my mind and recreate a life with some degree of quality. I began to see western physicians as little more than pill pushers, and their drugs of choice were a crap shoot at best, so I found less abrasive alternatives. I cuss as pain relief! Oh how I cuss!! And I scream, although that’s as much from surprise as from pain level and now a days it’s followed by chuckles, my noises amuse me, go figure!

Although this last year has seen my dominant arm lose much of its range of motion, although waves of blinding pain can floor me at any time and there is never any guarantee that any body part will do what I want it to do, I’ve only just realized I harbor some sense of guilt that I might not be suffering enough because no one can tell by looking at me there is anything amiss! I have created a quality of life that by many standards would be considered exceptional and more importantly perhaps I have found all the answers I ever needed, all the validation and loving support anyone could want within me. And while there is plenty of pain, growing challenges and limits, there is NO suffering!

I rarely talk about my health. When someone happens to be around and I scream I will share that this body has issues. If someone is astute enough to notice for instance that I don’t lift my right arm, I might share a bit more information. Mostly I’ll share for the sake of education, to make the point that you really never know what a persons’ reality is by looking at them. But I will not empower this situation by feeding into it with words and stories; it is enough that I live the experiences, reinforcing it will not create healing. This includes my own thoughts; I do not feed this situation by thinking about it, certainly not by worrying about it or holding onto symptoms by constantly reviewing them.

I learned to adapt. I have altered to some degree every aspect of how I live. I not only changed how and what I eat but early on realized I needed to prepare my meals in advance. Sometimes that has meant lying on the floor when I couldn’t stand and crawling, rolling or sliding along when I couldn’t crawl. When my hands won’t hold a knife I find other ways to put pressure on it to cut. When I cannot lift a log for the fire I roll it up my body with my elbows to my chest and heave it into the woodstove. It may not be pretty but it gets the job done!

Adaptability continues to play a significant role in maintaining and raising the quality of my Life. As I never truly know what body parts will work I am forced to accept an ever shifting ability level. I have grown in my willingness to surrender to the moment, to embrace what is happening and do whatever it takes to meet my own needs. This has had the odd side effect of enriching my sense of humor; my ability to chuckle at what I must do in order to take care of myself is a huge blessing.

This adaptability has a fluidity about it that remains a mystery to me even now. I used to question it, wonder how I was getting past each new bizarre manifestation. I let go of those questions entirely a few years ago when I fell nine feet and landed standing up, ripping apart my previously unaffected left foot, turning it to a three o’clock position and detaching all the internal bits. Although it was reset in the ER I was told it needed metal parts to make it usable again. At the surgery doors I was turned away without explanation and ultimately sent home with a non-walking half cast up to my knee. Once again I was forced to find my own way to heal and did so against all odds and with no support. It is not the strong who survive, it is those who are able to adapt.

Occurring as they do in this flowing way many of the shifts and changes seem to appear without conscious thought. Some changes I’ve made deliberately, but the source has come from unusual places. The Black Tailed Deer that roam my property taught me how to ‘mindfully, slow doing, stillness’. Translated, that means being alert while doing what I’m doing, doing it slowly, mindfully, until I reach stillness. From a program about the beaver I learned about taking the summer months for peaceful observation and enjoyment of what I’d accomplished during the milder months in my garden. And from the Bald Eagles who also visit my home I learned that ‘what is, is’.

In the early years I immersed myself in online research, not only about RSD/CRPS but anything that had to do with how the brain and body work to generate pain messages. I read about treatments used for MS and how amputees with Phantom Pain Syndrome were helped by using mirrors to ‘trick’ their brains. I found books about anything that remotely related to what I was experiencing, anything from which I might glean insight into how to heal myself. Books about how to eat to promote healing, what foods, vitamins, herbs and minerals worked with the body/brain to calm it down and generate repair.

A few years back I even found myself reading everything I could find on quantum physics! I honestly didn’t know exactly why I was doing that but something directed me to spend six months getting everything I could from our library on this subject. Shortly after that I discovered Chopra’s books on quantum healing and things began to make sense. Books about spontaneous healing joined my list and a particular book called ‘When Your Body Says No’ created a major breakthrough in my perspective and in recreating my Life.

It began to seem that to heal my body required going more deeply into my Self; the mechanisms to health lie within the body, the access point and control panel lie in the Self. In time I began to include more spiritually focused books to my resume. Actually, the truth is that books came to me from the very beginning; it just took me a few years to realize that was what was happening. Once I noticed I began to deliberately turn my thoughts to the kind of book I needed and soon found those appearing in my Life. Then there were the ones by authors like John Bradshaw, whose work covers healing inner wounds from our past and the role of family dynamics/dysfunction. I’ve healed a few very specific physical manifestations doing the work these books offer and along with Louise Hay’s teachings continue to do so.

At the time of the original injury, as soon as I was able to use my arms I began lifting weights in bed. I had a strong sense that if I could only be treated as a recovering athlete I would heal. Before I could walk again I made my way to the floor and began doing a few gentle stretching exercises. My dog and I had been jogging for years and it was another kind of pain to be unable to even walk him down our driveway month after month; I credit headphones and music for empowering me to eventually tackle hikes once more.

There isn’t a single friend in my life from the time of my injury, most faded away at the outset, the rest I left behind when I moved off the mainland to my island home. I am grateful to be a Canadian and able to receive the support of my country. I respect the income I receive, monitoring how I use it, making the amount work well to care for myself and donating a portion to charity. The single greatest positive impact in this journey from the outset was being designated as a Person with a Disability. I’ve seen what happens when people engage in battles with WCB, ICBC etc.and count my blessings that was not part of my Drama.

In 2006 I stopped writing, stopped keeping a journal or writing my usual philosophical meanderings in emails. This writing has created a nasty tension between my shoulder blades just below my neck so I’ve had to do it in short sessions. It clearly triggers some less than uplifting issues and I’m working through that as I write. This reminded me of why I don’t watch aggression on TV, no blood and guts, no violence, nothing scary or negative. It generates a reaction in this body, something entertainment is designed to do. This body doesn’t need that kind of tension and as I’ve eliminated known stressors from my daily existence it’s not something I’ll willingly invite back through the TV screen.

I am so grateful to this marvelous resilient miracle of a body that carries the burden of so much pain, so many limitations, and so many challenges. I bless every part of it daily, acknowledging knees for bending, fingers for gripping, a neck that swivels, legs that move, toes that wiggle, eyes that see, heart that beats and breath that fills lungs that inhale and exhale. This is my vehicle, the form in which I reside and without which I would not experience Life. It bears so much, how can I not love and honor it? It is my teacher and my classroom, my task is to read it and work with it. The goal is to remind it of what it has merely misremembered, how to heal itself.

I am awed and humbled by the magic of Life. I’ve finally accepted that resistance is futile; acceptance is gentler, more productive and healing. And healing is a process; health however can be seen as a peaceful spirit and peace I have indeed created as my Life. Like an onion my layers continue to peel away and offer opportunities to quiet the noise of persistent pain; find deeper ways to unlock healing and wholeness and reclaim the use of my limbs.

So many common sayings make sense now, not the least of which is, ‘It is the journey and not the destination that matters’. While I would joyfully embrace the destination, a complete healing of this body, I can accept that for now I am engaged in the journey. As I learned to let go of my anger, fear, frustration and hopelessness I’ve seen how that has opened me up to receive love, peace and health, my daily mantra. Love is in the rays of the morning sunrise, the ‘wee wee wee’ of cantankerous hummingbirds, the scent of sweet wild roses and in me for the miracle of Life. Peace is in the slowly passing clouds and the heavy beating raindrops and in my quieted thoughts. Health is in loving this body for dealing so bravely with each and every challenge that comes its way, for sticking with me through unbelievable craziness and being there for me when I came out the other side.

I send blessings to all from my ‘Serenity: Where Dragons Pause, Eagles Play & Silence Speaks’

Namaste kath

[Jomar]

That is an awesome story of your experiences and your quest for solutions for your journey with RSD and doctors.
Thank you for writing it.

[SBOWLING]

Thanks, for sharing your wisdom from your journey. Your knowledge will be helpful here.
Take care,
Sherrie

[hope4thebest]

Hi Kath,
I reviewed your posts and I am enchanted to read your beautiful words, concepts, and perspective.
For me, I am beginning to realize that the words, "Physician, heal thyself" hold the most truth, and maybe, ultimately, the answer to our search for relief.

It sounds as though you live in an area that surrounds you with the glories of nature, and the wisdom of animals. There is so much peace and antidote for pain to be found in those surroundings

I work full time and travel freeways to get to my desk. I keep plants and seashells on my desk to remind me of the medicine found in the peace of nature. When the pain escalates, i try to breath into it, acknowledge it, understand it and absorb it. It is hard to let go of the fear, the anger, the frustration, and being overwhelmed by the pain. I am unable to walk and miss immersing myself in hikes, and walks through the woods.

In th midst of Pain management appointments and their meds, and other doctor appointments, I am making an appointment to see a naturopathic doctor.
I can't let go of the hope that my body knows what to do with the pain and the RSD, if only it is given the chance. I am hoping that she will offer guidance on how to help me help myself.

Your posts and words are a reminder to me to nurture that side of pain management, as you call it the gentler approach.

You are such a wonderful writer. I see a book chronicaling your experience with RSD, for everyone to read, and therefore raise awareness of this lightening storm in our bodies.

[miatri]

hello, by ur 2nd sentence i was sayin yes yes yes! u r clearly a brave spirit, willing to listen to the inner voice and consider that answers can be found within. it is a rather epic journey isnt it?

i am honored by ur comments, and impressed by ur courage. ur body DOES know its own perfection, its simply misremembered it. every single particle has in it the mechanism to recreate what once existed. consider that b4 its injury it worked ok, then neurons were interupted in their normal process, signals got confused and became rewired, creating a new program. what once worked as it should is now disfunctional. so if it can be switched to a new icky program it can also be switched once again to work as it once did.

i lived the anger, helplessness, all that and more and go figure it never generated peace or health. and while i have a daily mantras requesting comfort for this body i can accept that there remain lessons to learn and this is currently how i'm intended to learn them. i am crazy blessed to have had the gift of awakening.

i am so sorry u cannot immerse urself in forests and walk, know that i offer all the blessings of my day to those who do not have such wonders to heal them, i take u all with me. soon my meadow will xplode into a river of wild flowers, with puddles of them here and there and i have been known to go to my knees in awe and gratitude at such bounty, and that too i send out to those who cannot image such beauty.

trust urself, find the stillness inside and listen, the answers reside with u always, school is in, ur body is ur classroom, listen and learn its ways and u will absolutely find peace, love, health.

blessings from my Serenity

[RSDLynnie]

What a wondrous message you've written. It's giving me a lot to think about. Thank you for your wise words and sharing your journey's lessons.

ONE MOMENT CAN CHANGE EVERYTHING!

[Teresa112757]

Thank you for taking the time and enduring the discomfort to share your thoughts with us. You are a truly gifted writer. I plan to share your thoughts with my husband who is often in a dark place in hopes that it might spark him toward a different path.

[miatri]

gd'mornin, wow, u guys have brought tears to my eyes, they r tears of wonder at how truly we r all related, not seperate at all.
to the gal with the husband who visits the dark places, i know that place, fear, helplessness, confusion patrol it and suck u in, cover ur eyes with a viel of illusions to convince u there is no hope, no reason to get up each day.
when i lived there u could never have convinced me i would ever ever crawl out and certainly never find the light of a new day.
if i can b of any support please let me know, its a lonely, frightening place for all involved.
namaste