[DiMarie]

I know I have tons of great friends praying for me, I am not sure what I need them to pray for to help....
I am so frustrated, concerned about myself, and don;t even know what to call it or how to fix it. Can;t fix it with my faith, my love,or my strength.
Not sure this even makes sense.

I am a strong person, but tons of termoil always seems to come my way. I manage it...I cry, I share, I give and love.

Many know I recently lost my daughter, she was a chronic pain patient that had medication reactions that ceased her breathing just a day after discharge from a behavioral helath center, with many new meds.
I have other children that have health problems. Pituatary tumor, spine/nerve damage, heart problesm and depression, youngest with severe anxiety.

I am in financial difficulty from loss of income from a car accident, I am or was working part time and receive SSDI.

Perhaps I need to learn I cannot fix everything, I can;t even bandaid it, I have my finger stuck in a dike and water is pouring out all over me.

I survive by being busy; in community to help with a plan to attain a community recreational center, wrote several emergency mangement articles on preparing for emergencies, short term and long term.

Part of NAMI national allieance on mental health to contribute and learn, one part better treatment by the legal system by training police that are often the first responders in mental health crisis, and support for my own anxiety panic problems.

My employment involves social work, but non therapy, more supervision. I have spent a life time in law enforcement helping people, now I can't distance myself in my job, to "not" become a caring part of the families I work with.

Is it my grief, is it my personality, is that something bad, good....
I deal with my grief and stress by throwing meself into things, and having a cry, sometimes a tissue and sometimes a towel.
I don;t know why I can;t seperate myself, distance myself and stop caring in my job, in order to keep it.

I love the kids I work with, sad thing with much termoil in the family, I just want to hug them fix it and reslove the problem...that is not my job.

How do I relearn to not care, to step back, not become involved...should I?
So I let them down at work, and they do care about me ,
I do let my family down; my disability I can not keep up with chores.
I do let my friends down when I am just not there mentally.
I do let my emotions create a heartache.

I can;t afford to take amonth off work, but that is where I find myself. I have to do some soul searching, emotional/mental patching and destressing.
Any prayers of shared stories are appreciated.
I know I am not the only person going through the lifes problems

[Chemar]

dear Di

I am praying that somehow someway an opportunity becomes available for you to be able to withdraw and heal from the enormous pain that you have had to endure..........losing a loved one is always hard.......losing a child has a depth of trauma few understand until they have felt it.

you NEED time for you to heal and regroup and restart

I am praying that an opportunity will come for you to be able to get some time off.

I pray too there will be others with caring hearts and willing hands to help with the social work you do, so as to share that load with you. It is very hard when one feels deeply and yet need to try to be objective in such work


I am not sure if you have ever read the stages of grieving. If not, I encourage you to do so and allow yourself to go through them knowing that what you are feeling is understood.

Here is a copy of the grief cycle, and a link to the site I have copied them over from, which I hope may be helpful.

Phases of Grief
Phase 1
Denial
Upon hearing bad news, the most common reaction is a feeling of numbness or shock. We may experience disbelief: "That is not possible … there must be some mistake … you must have the wrong person, the wrong medical records … that can't be true or happen to me!" The mind-body has incredible defense mechanisms. If we pretend that something isn’t true, then somehow the blow is softened. At any moment, our loved one could reappear, or so we imagine. Time seems to briefly suspend itself, at least until the cruel reality of the truth sets in.

Phase 2 Anger
We may get angry at the messenger who delivers the news, the doctor, the person who caused us this pain (even if that person is now deceased), at anyone we can hold responsible for our grief, even at God. This reaction is perfectly understandable. There is a need to know why this happened and whether the loss could have been prevented. “Who is at fault?” we question. Somehow pointing the finger allows us to divert the pain from the core of our being where it rises up and threatens to overwhelm us. Others may turn their anger inwards and blame themselves for what happened.

Phase 3
Bargaining
We may try to negotiate the situation, either with another person involved, or with God: "Please give me one more chance and I promise things will be better … I will change … If you will reverse this, then I will ___ in return." This is kind of magical thinking where we believe our actions will meet with the desired outcome. Some people attempt to strike a deal with their Higher Power: to stop smoking, to find more time to spend with family, to offer an apology that’s long overdue. At some point, though, we face our limitations in holding up our end of the deal. No matter what we say or do, the bitter truth is that things will not go back to the way they were before. And that’s when the next phase hits.

Phase 4
Depression
When we realize the loss is real and unchanging, we may sink into a deep sorrow. Though Dr. Kübler-Ross dubbed this phase ‘depression,’ it is more accurate to describe it as more a combination of loss and loneliness and perhaps hopelessness. We may feel remorse or regret, rehearsing over and over what we could have done differently. Or perhaps we feel guilty that we are still able to enjoy life while our loved one no longer can. This intense experience of sadness leaves us with sparse energy for housework or outside activities. It is common to find ourselves sobbing over the smallest little thing or crying for days on end. Whether or not we have a terminal illness, we may feel our life is over. Some may consider or attempt ending their lives.

Phase 5
Acceptance
Time, in and of itself, will not heal our wounds. We may miss being able to share our life with that person, no matter how long it’s been since they passed away. We don’t have to forget how much our loved one means to us in order to move on. If we can come to terms with the reality of the situation, recognize it as a fact of our lives, and gradually let go of the struggle against the tide of emotions that we experience, we can move beyond our suffering. Even with our new circumstances, we can find peace within ourselves.

Phase 6
Anger
We may get angry at the messenger who delivers the news, the doctor, the person who caused us this pain (even if that person is now deceased), at anyone we can hold responsible for our grief, even at God. This reaction is perfectly understandable. There is a need to know why this happened and whether the loss could have been prevented. “Who is at fault?” we question. Somehow pointing the finger allows us to divert the pain from the core of our being where it rises up and threatens to overwhelm us. Others may turn their anger inwards and blame themselves for what happened.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm


I pray you be able to get the time you need for you Di, and that you will be strengthened and inspired

[sadeyesr4ever]

Dearest DiMarie,

I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. Wished that I had words of wisdom to share with you. I feel your hurt and your loss. (((Gentle Hugs)))

[DiMarie]

Hi Cheri,
I am throught the cycle once and half way through again....
It is so difficult to let loved ones down... I am feeling now like I am failing everyone.
I did have a counselor at College I can call and see what thoughts she has, She was always able to pick up on things, perceptive and a sweet loving person.

sadeyes, thanks for the kind words and hugs....Seems the best thing friends can do, wish there were something I can do for myself.

All I can do now is cry it out, hug my husband and kids and pray I can provide for them economically..

My cats know I am feel sad, They are all about sitting with me, one even climbed up and patted my chest, She was my daughters oldest female, the younger female in the past has climbed up and touched my cheek with her paw,

Keep me in your prayers
Di

[Chemar]

(((Di)))

I am praying too that God Himself will provide for you and your family financially in a very clear way so that you can get the time you need to heal and restore.
May the blessing you have been to so many people overflow back to you

[moose53]

((((((Dianne)))))),

I don't see you "failing" any others in this equation that is your life. The only one that you're "failing" is yourself.

You give and give and give until you hurt and then get mad at yourself or belittle yourself because you can't give it ALL.

I recognize the personality type -->> MOI!!

I was the sole caretaker of my Mom when she became sick out of state. I had to travel between South Carolina and Massachusetts. I signed for surgery for colo-rectal cancer (against her wishes) and it went badly -- malpractice actually, but I couldn't do anything about it. I moved her back to Massachusetts against doctors wishes (flew her back in an air ambulance) and put her into hospice/home care here. In and out of the hospital until I said ENOUGH. Me working 10 hours a day in a brand-new supervisory position. Taking care of my Mom after work. Trying to raise my son.

After she passed and I had a funeral here and a funeral in South Carolina and cleaned out part of her house, I came back home, sent my son to live with his Father, quit my job, and slept for two straight weeks.

Less than 6 months later, I was working as a home health aide taking care of cancer patients in their homes

I lost my Brother at age 21 to suicide. Unexpected, early, cruel death -- just like De's. I fought my life and my psychic pain for over 13 years until I finally stopped what I was doing and cried (in the psychiatric hospital).

Honey, you've gone from one unbelievable pain to another with no time to heal or to even think. You need to take time for yourself. To cry. To have no responsibility for other people besides your immediate family and yourself.

You're a caretaker soul -- just like me. There's nothing wrong with being a caretaker. But, you have to stop once in awhile BEFORE you hit the burnout point.

I know "they" tell you that you shouldn't get "emotionally involved" with your patients or your clients or your customers. As far as I'm concerned, you wouldn't be doing that particular job if you didn't/couldn't get emotionally involved.

I don't see anything wrong with being involved emotionally with patients. I was. I went to the funerals. I loved "my" people. And I hurt when they died.

When I got to the point that I felt I was hurting too much and felt too crumpled, I resigned. And went into the next part of life -- computer helpdesk support.

The helping and caretaking will always be a part of you, Dianne. That's what makes you so special. You do need to take a break, though, and take some time to think in quiet spaces and to feel the pain and to feel the tears from losing De.

You'll be able tell (in your heart) when you're ready to go back -->> back to caretaking or maybe on to something different.

You need the break now, though. Don't think of it as "failure". It is NOT FAILURE to keep yourself well enough to do what you love doing.

I've said before -- it sounds like a cliché, but it isn't -- you have to go THROUGH the pain and the tears. Some little part of me that really loves you wonders if you're using the work to fill the empty space left by De. I understand that. I've been there myself.

It's time to speak ONLY THE TRUTH to yourself, Dianne. And then go from there.

BIG HUGS. I love you. I would do anything to stop the pain and the tears but I can't

Barb

[Julie]

DiMarie, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[KathyM]

DiMarie

I used to work for the head of pediatrics, and his specialty was pediatric cardiology. I helped him out with his practice and, like you, became very close with the families. It effected us all deeply when we lost a patient, especially long-time patients, because in many ways we helped raise them. It knocks the air right out of you when they don't survive.

I'd find myself waking up in the middle of the night worrying about a patient or replaying a checklist in my mind to make sure everything was set for surgery. My boss had a huge practice because he was/is such a great and caring doc, so I had to keep up with him. We didn't have time to stop and fully grieve because so many others still needed us.

I don't recommend you stop caring in your job. It will serve no one. You'll never be able to save everyone, so do all that you can then turn it off.

However, you're in the position of many of my mothers. It's a pain I've never experienced, but from what I've seen I can think of no greater pain in life. This just isn't the time for others to be taking from you. Go ahead and be "selfish." Take time for yourself - and take all you need from us.

You're in my prayers.