God forgive me not realizing what a good life you blessed me with and for making myself so sick and putting my girlfriend and mother through such heck.

I should have come to this board before I thought things were so bad.

ooh joe got a promotion instead of me. ooh I only made such and such money this year (it was plenty enough) when so and so is worth millions.

ooh I wish I had that girl instead of my girl (when my girl was an angel)

I should have lost the weight and not abuse the body god gave me in so many ways.

Every ungrateful person should have to read some of the stories on this board.

I want Gods forgiveness and I want him to bless all of you who did nothing wrong and received these sicknesses.

I thought I was such a tough guy before all this. I am scared all the time now and I pray for god to take it away

You are braver than me any day of the week, all of you, and I admire you all.

More and more I realize that gratitude for what we DO have in life brings such happiness, comfort, peace and joy. Sometimes it is tough to remember when we are in pain. Lately, I've been pushing myself to remember this and I see that you are likely doing the same. There really is so much to be grateful for; we each have blessings to focus on.

You are very right about how we might have neglected or abused our bodies or others which very possibly caused many of the issues we face. But, do not feel God is punishing any of us who are enduring these illnesses. So much is part of life and in many cases, given "free will and free choice" have made better understanding persons of us. God bless you Mark.


Gerry

I don't think God is punishing me. He gave me plenty of warnings and chances regarding the things I did wrong. I would do so well but then my world renowned self destructive tendencies would come back.

This last time it came with a vengeance. I went from being a burly, strong 240 pounder working at a world renowned investment bank, to weighing 360, a few brutal head injuries and their symptoms under the belt, with an enlarged heart wall and more palpitations in a day than I can count.

The only thing that scares me more than the palpitations are the terrifying tremors and burning I wake up with every morning with from the head injuries.

There's more to this country song of a story but suffice it to say all I want from God now is the strength to wait on his timetable to take me whether it be tonight or 10 years from now.

I didn't mean for this to be morbid. There were plenty of good times in my 46 years, an maybe there will be a miracle treatment in brain injury around the corner, I will lose the weight ad everything will be fine.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I want God to give me the strength to endure what I have wrought. For how long as he sees fit.

It is an honor to be on a board with so many people so much braver than me.

I used to think Christopher Reeves was NUTS for being so optimistic and trying to make the best of his life. And I still do. Because I don't understand where such strength and optimism comes from. I wish so much that I did.

Mark,

Sorry I have not spoken here for you yet. I have been reading since you came to be with us.

When I was 10 years it was discovered that I had epilepsy. In 2000, I finally found a neuro who help me any way he could. Which he brought me a good ways in his ideas, except I still was having seizures. In 2009 he sent me to an Epileptologist at an Epilepsy center. After the testing he did along with another neuro and neuro surgeon I decide to have a surgery. One December 9, 2009 I had my last seizure. Keeping faith you will come upon a solution. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Darlene

Darlene,
That's a beautiful story and gave me a much needed boost. I am so glad for you. And I will not give up. That quote on your post about God is great. Thank you so much for your response.

God forgive me for this but out of all the things that happened to me, wasting close to a hundred grand in a bipolar depressed month right after the brain injury destroys me inside.

I thought I was going to die so I went insane and traded crazy and lost it.

I worked so hard for it!!

It is affecting my recovery it eats at me so much 6 years later!!!

I am not thankful that I got SSDI.

Not thankful that girlfriend has paid almost all the bills past 6 years!!!!

All that matters is me and the money I lost and could have invested and turned into 600 thousand in GOOGLE!!!! I'd be sick but have a fancy car and jewelry!!! and God knows what else.

And forget about losing my NYC investment bank salary!!!! I'm broke!!! I was supposed to be rich!!! Now I'm middle aged and broke!!

I could have, I should have, we would be!!!!

I KNOW its affecting my recovery,

Make it stop!!!!!!

Hi Markneil,

So sorry you're feeling down again, but we all tend to cycle in and out of our states of mind (optimism and pessimism). I just hope you are not being too hard on yourself for your past choices, because there is little we can do to change them sometimes.

Jeff Foxworthy has a great term: "ustacould". We all "ustacould" things in our lives, and those of us with brain injuries surely know what this is like. But try not to dwell on what was, and see your own latest posts which discuss what is and what can be. You have made remarkable strides lately. Please don't stay in this "ustacould" place.

God is always willing to forgive you, Mark. You can trust Him enough to know He will. And He knows how you've struggled and continue to struggle. He does love you.

Please take care. M-i-m

MIMM=..I wrote a long rambling self pitying diatribe then i thought better. Thank you for caring...if God is listening...now would be a good time for some help