I just felt I had to share this with someone, and I thought some of you here might understand. Recently I've been going through, what might be described as a religious 'dry patch'. I've still been saying my prayers and going to church, and I never stopped loving God, but there was something.... missing. I don't know, sometimes I just felt like I was far away from Him.

Over the last couple of weeks I've been having a really bad time of it with "stuff". The insomnia's been worse than it ever has before, and I felt I was getting nowhere with the VNS. I never went Monday to have it turned back on, didn't take my meds, just didn't care. I went to my pdoc after work on Wednesday and had a not so good session because I had to tell her I started to cut again. Basically I was fed up and miserable, as well as worrying about the future, my job and these long hours I'm working.

Last night it just all got on top of me. I was alone in my room and all the bad stuff seemed to come crashing down on me. I was in tears. I was saying my prayers as always (I'm afraid to say they have become a little 'routine' of late) when all of a sudden, everything just came pouring out of me, I told Him all about everything that was happening and how I was feeling, and started asking... well... begging really, for help. Then.. I don't know, I just felt like I was being hugged, or had had a warm blanket wrapped around me. At first I thought it was my mom but realized it was different. It was God and it wasn't like He suddenly appeared, more that I'd turned around and realized that He'd been standing behind me all this time, just waiting for me to turn to Him. All of a sudden I felt not so alone anymore, I had someone there for me the whole time.

I've always felt a little selfish asking for help for myself or talking about myself. As though I had no right to ask for help when so many people are so much worse off than me. But last night I realized how silly an idea that was. It's not selfish to ask for a light when you're standing in the dark. It's not like He only has a certain amount of love to go around.

As I said, I just wanted to share this with you all, in case it touches someone else in a similar situation. He's standing right there, don't be afraid to turn around and ask for help.