Originally Posted by hollym

I had a total epiphany this morning when I was in the shower getting ready for church. I do my best praying and thinking in the shower! I think it was all the prayers and thoughts from you guys and I really feel God sent me a big dose of peace today.

I just realized what I would have told anyone else who was going through this. None of the decisions that I made about Grandma's care could possibly affect the outcome. This is up to God and I now realize that He has determined the course of things.

How could I possibly think that I was responsible for altering the course of her life? He will take her according to His plan and schedule whether or not I decided to do more or less chemo and whether I decided to do more PT or to not put in the feeding tube.

If He wanted her sooner, He would have taken her then. Who was I to think that I was influencing the course of things? I'm kind of chuckling at that thought now. I'm just here working through it one day at a time and hopefully doing an OK job of taking care of things for her. So, really, I now believe that everything is as it should be.

I was sitting in church listening to the readings and since this is the season of Easter, everything is still focused on Jesus' death and resurrection. In one of the readings, there was a line that read "to do whatever thy hand and thy plan had predestined to take place". This was from Acts 4 speaking about how everyone and everything had come together against Jesus in order to crucify him - it was predestined. This was so comforting to hear in a way. The disciples could no more stop or change what was to happen to Jesus than I can do anything to change what will happen with Grandma.

The Psalm today was the 23rd Psalm which is always so peaceful and visual to me. I love the imagery of the green pastures and still waters and of course the most comforting line to me is "though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil; for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me".

I do not believe in coincidences. I do believe that these readings, the Psalm, and the sermon were all reinforcements of the realization and feeling of overwhelming peace that I had earlier in the morning. I needed to hear those things at this particular time. I feel very OK now.