Lately, I have been noticing more my train of thought and mental condition as a whole. I am constantly taking blame not only to myself, but to others also, for abuse that occured in my childhood, teens, and young adult life. I have not been a victim for some time now, but I am always in that place. I am always taking responsibility for what others have done to me. I am going to begin going to cognitive therapy in about a week, and I am hopeing to correct this. I need to learn a new way of thinking. I also am very suspicious of everyone. I take 99% of what is said to me as an insult. Immediately. It's my snap reaction. It's my mental conditioning from years of abuse. At least I at times, can see this, and know that it's because of all the abuse and not actually as things are. but it's so difficult to see intentions as good, and reality is fleeting on this subject, most of the time. Any words of understanding or encouragement would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

-Cgirl-

I just posted in the new members area...and wow I can't believe when someone gives me a new place to go to like a forum how off the edge I get. I feel like most of my time here has been spent belittling myself for things I have done but today I realized some really cool things because of all the stress I think it makes you stronger even though you feel like you are giving in. I eventually just let go. But I don't want to because everything is so important all the time and I don't want to loose it. I know that.

There's a part of me that wants to shut down.

There's a part of me that wants to blame other things.

There's a part of me that wants to not blame myself.

Its like there's two parts of me, one part says that I should be at fault and the other part is freeing.

Have you tried going back to the event or the moment...just while you are relaxing and letting it come to your mind without effort and just noticing it and then seeing what your thought is about it. Maybe you will sometime want to stop it and you will.

Thats the best way I can explain how I found relief from my terror and fear...I couldn't even sleep at night. I wouldn't talk. I stayed motionlesss in my room and even wouldn't move when standing. I had to be hauled around.

Now my life...there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Its like my wishes and what I hope for today are coming true. Thank you