[Mark56]

Hoping you find the appt with the neurosurgeon to go well and that your confidence is buoyed in them during that meeting. Take your meds and try to get some rest. Hopefully this will pass and the meds will help until your surgery is here.

Prayers,
Mark56

Rae I cant recall EVER recall reading a post about yourself where you are 'down'. You are always so positive to us all, I was a bit 'oh my goodness poor Rae' as you dont let your guard down often. I know exactly how you feel about being on Neurontin. I was on those AWFUL meds back in 2005/2006 at a time when I thought I was going OUT OF MY HEAD I too got very depressed, lethargic, forgetful, weary, sad, had all sorts of sounds going on in my head. I just HATED them with a vengeance. I can honestly say that they didnt do me ANY good whatsoever. My pain was just as bad either when I took them or when I stopped taking them. I never did get past the 3 hours either. What a waste of time they were. Then I went onto Lyrica OUT OF THE FRYING INTO THE FIRE that was!!!...but thankfully I met with this Pain Consultant who told me to get rid of all that heavy medication. Said they were doing me more harm than good. I felt drunk all the time, without the benefits and always having a massive hangover. I do hope Rae that you get something to quell those dreaded breakthrough pains

Tara excellent news to read that you finally have got an appointment. WOOHOOOOOOOO and also to hear that you have been given some meds to get your through. And about time too. So its onwards and upwards hopefully for you. Will keep you all in my prayers.........

[Rrae]

Thank you Jackie, I really needed that.....

.....it's a proven statistical fact that the 'happiest/funniest' people can in reality be the saddest and most 'alone'.......

i hide amongst all my smilies and no one has a cluuuuuue
.....it's absolutely aMAZing what a simple ((hug)) can do for a person.....

[fionab]

Rae: I just wanted to put in my two cents...I'm sooo glad that you are here because I feel you are what keeps out little family together. I so look forward to exchanging jokes with you (I also sometimes use joking as a coping mechanism), but I also think that you are by nature, a jokester, which I love.

Your support and encouragement and prayers have been a HUGE help for me as I get through this.

By the way, they tried me on Neurontin and after two days on it I told them they could put it....well,.... back on the shelf, if you get my meaning. Was awful, awful, and also awful. After my experince with it, I could never understand those who do take it and find it beneficial and don't have side effects. All I can think is that they like feeling out of it and weird, or maybe they're on another med. that counters it's side effects

[Rrae]

The tears break thru!
Thank you

Fiona, YOUR sense of humor (and everybody's !) is what i thrive off of!
What makes it even MORE powerful is that we are somehow able to laugh and make the smilies work to bring cheer to each other.....in the MIDST of this most unbearable times of our lives!!
THAT, my dear friends......is beyond what real strength can possibly contain.
This forum means the world to me. Each and every new person who comes here scared, painstricken, hopeless and ready to give up.....I just want to jump thru the screen and somehow 'make it better'......
But I can not do that. It takes every ONE of us to make that happen.....and even at that, it's actually up to the individual to WANT to get better, ...to WANT to fight the fight..........they come here reaching out, so that speaks volumes

It's priceless to hear what you've said to me you guys. It really is. Thank you.

And, yes, this is Tara's thread.......and she brings up something I think was very bold to admit, and I will back her up by saying that yes, I too went 'beyond' depression and - on into......'suidical' thinking.....which I'm sure many of us have. The SOS (survivors of suicide) forum is so FULL of beautiful folks who carry a tremendous strength and they are always there with open arms......"Survivors" has no measurement......it can mean you yourself have lost a loved one, or you yourself have actually attempted it, or even just the thoughtlife......renders you a 'survivor'......
It took me some gumption, but I finally went there, thinking i wasn't worthy (for simple fear of my stupidness and silly avatar....i was so afraid i would be perceived as 'inappropriate'.....) but the opposite proved to be true. They welcomed me with the most loving reach and I consider them absolutely precious to me.....even to this day I'll get a 'hug' from over there......no words.....just a ((hug))......THEY know why they sent it and I know why they sent it.....they just 'KNOW'.....they are amazing.
So, anyone here who gets those feelings, be it due to bad medicine, or just because we feel as though we can't fight the fight any longer.......TALK about it.! It's a brave thing to do and you'll find that you've reached into a beautiful place and a weight will lift. TALK about ! It's OK to talk about it! It's a REALITY - the thoughtlife can hit the best of the best......
So, yeah, I wanted to hit on this topic with Tara back when she first mentioned it, but I was wrapped up in stuff and wasn't able to post much.

It's fun to be 'funny'....but there do come times when we just can't laugh.
I realized I'd be coming across as a 'phoney' if i didn't at least admit to my battle with depression throughout the years. But MAN! This thing with Neurontin......sent me over the edge! No, i didn't 'attempt' to end my life, but in my blind madness I scribbled an 'F-you' note to the world and prayed for God to please just let me die and then crawled as far under my covers and into darkness as I could go.......the note was left there just in case God answered my sick plea for escape. I locked my bedroom door, i ignored phonecalls, responsibilities, my beautiful loving family......I made the horribly wrong choice to crawl INto darkness instead of reaching OUT for God's light.
Big mistake. Never want to go there again.
I've got so MUCH to live for and it would have been a crying shame for my family to have come upon that heartless note I had scribbled.
So, then came the guilt phase......which lasted almost a week....
But, to this day, my family has no clue how far down i had sank. I hid it. All they knew was that mom wasn't 'feeling well'....

It's not good to suffer in silence. People NEED fellowship.
I certainly wasn't looking for attention when I admitted what I had been thru, but I felt a responsibility to 'come clean' with this. And it has done wonders just to hear you say that you appreciate me, ...that I matter. And Jackie shared her struggle while she was on these meds a few years back and how it played mindgames with her.

So, Tara, thank you for bringing this up on your thread.
It was an important thing to do, and you are NOT alone in this!
I hope you are doing well this weekend


OK!! ENUF of the serious stuff!!!
This is MARK's Birthday Weekend!! Let's go invade HIS thread and tease him!!

Originally Posted by Rrae

The tears break thru!
Thank you

Fiona, YOUR sense of humor (and everybody's !) is what i thrive off of!
What makes it even MORE powerful is that we are somehow able to laugh and make the smilies work to bring cheer to each other.....in the MIDST of this most unbearable times of our lives!!
THAT, my dear friends......is beyond what real strength can possibly contain.
This forum means the world to me. Each and every new person who comes here scared, painstricken, hopeless and ready to give up.....I just want to jump thru the screen and somehow 'make it better'......
But I can not do that. It takes every ONE of us to make that happen.....and even at that, it's actually up to the individual to WANT to get better, ...to WANT to fight the fight..........they come here reaching out, so that speaks volumes

It's priceless to hear what you've said to me you guys. It really is. Thank you.

And, yes, this is Tara's thread.......and she brings up something I think was very bold to admit, and I will back her up by saying that yes, I too went 'beyond' depression and - on into......'suidical' thinking.....which I'm sure many of us have. The SOS (survivors of suicide) forum is so FULL of beautiful folks who carry a tremendous strength and they are always there with open arms......"Survivors" has no measurement......it can mean you yourself have lost a loved one, or you yourself have actually attempted it, or even just the thoughtlife......renders you a 'survivor'......
It took me some gumption, but I finally went there, thinking i wasn't worthy (for simple fear of my stupidness and silly avatar....i was so afraid i would be perceived as 'inappropriate'.....) but the opposite proved to be true. They welcomed me with the most loving reach and I consider them absolutely precious to me.....even to this day I'll get a 'hug' from over there......no words.....just a ((hug))......THEY know why they sent it and I know why they sent it.....they just 'KNOW'.....they are amazing.
So, anyone here who gets those feelings, be it due to bad medicine, or just because we feel as though we can't fight the fight any longer.......TALK about it.! It's a brave thing to do and you'll find that you've reached into a beautiful place and a weight will lift. TALK about ! It's OK to talk about it! It's a REALITY - the thoughtlife can hit the best of the best......
So, yeah, I wanted to hit on this topic with Tara back when she first mentioned it, but I was wrapped up in stuff and wasn't able to post much.

It's fun to be 'funny'....but there do come times when we just can't laugh.
I realized I'd be coming across as a 'phoney' if i didn't at least admit to my battle with depression throughout the years. But MAN! This thing with Neurontin......sent me over the edge! No, i didn't 'attempt' to end my life, but in my blind madness I scribbled an 'F-you' note to the world and prayed for God to please just let me die and then crawled as far under my covers and into darkness as I could go.......the note was left there just in case God answered my sick plea for escape. I locked my bedroom door, i ignored phonecalls, responsibilities, my beautiful loving family......I made the horribly wrong choice to crawl INto darkness instead of reaching OUT for God's light.
Big mistake. Never want to go there again.
I've got so MUCH to live for and it would have been a crying shame for my family to have come upon that heartless note I had scribbled.
So, then came the guilt phase......which lasted almost a week....
But, to this day, my family has no clue how far down i had sank. I hid it. All they knew was that mom wasn't 'feeling well'....

It's not good to suffer in silence. People NEED fellowship.
I certainly wasn't looking for attention when I admitted what I had been thru, but I felt a responsibility to 'come clean' with this. And it has done wonders just to hear you say that you appreciate me, ...that I matter. And Jackie shared her struggle while she was on these meds a few years back and how it played mindgames with her.

So, Tara, thank you for bringing this up on your thread.
It was an important thing to do, and you are NOT alone in this!
I hope you are doing well this weekend


OK!! ENUF of the serious stuff!!!
This is MARK's Birthday Weekend!! Let's go invade HIS thread and tease him!!

Rae thanks

[tchr012]

Wow, I am glad me talking about my experience with Neurontin helped. I am feeling finally like that fog has been lifted and I never want the stuff again! Actually the voices and static in my head and the dizziness were getting too me worse than the depression. Rrae, I am sorry that you have been feeling depressed but I am glad you reached out to everyone and shared the experience. I know that it is hard to always be the positive one when you are hurting physically and mentally but I really appreciate your encouragement and support and the silly smilies! I think you are such an awesome and strong person and you bring so much to this board I do understand how it feels to be suicidal and I also attempted it (That had nothing to do with the neuronin), I don't talk about it with many people and hardly anyone (even close friends) knows about it. There were just many, really dark times in my life and unfortunately those were my feelings...and actions.
Even though, I am on pain meds still really in pain. They showed me on the x-ray how much the leads had moved again and its no wonder I feel so bad. It won't charge right unless my husband helps me, when I turn it up it makes other areas of my back hurt and I cannot really turn it up enough to get decent pain relief. The pain meds do help but it is still so bad that I can only be on my feet (even using my walker) for a very short time. I spent the weekend with my mom and we wanted to go to different stores and have fun but I was in way too much pain to do much. However, I am still glad I got pain medicine and that I am off the neurontin! I am pretty exhausted so I need to lay down. I will write a better reply tomorrow or when I can. Take care everyone 'sTara

[Mark56]

Thank you, Rae, for mentioning the SOS thread. It is truly full of amazingly strong survivors who, through talking, reach out in help to one another. I have posted there quite a bit, as one who in various life stages, and more especially after being SO injured, wished instead of missing that truck in front of me that fateful morning I had accepted its huge receiver mounted hitch through the windshield. Sure, pain hurts and hurts a lot. Recovery and the steps toward it hurt and hurt much more. Anguish, despair, hopelessness all creep into the thoughts of one who is faced potentially with never getting any better. Once I felt I was one of those. Now, thanks to this SCS miracle, and we do refer to it as a miracle in my home and among those I meet, I have hope replacing hopelessness, despair, anguish..... HOPE.

The meds did many a trick in my life and on my mind, and it is amazing as my mind clears from the fog of medicated listlessness that I am beginning to feel so much better. Still undergoing withdrawal issues.... that is to be expected and OK, but not having 3000 mg neurontin in me everyday along with morphine, percocet, restoril, and others is a blessing. You who raise your doubts about the medicinal approach to pain management, I understand all too well. Perhaps it is why I am striving so hard to be totally beyond the meds.

Today, in this birthday weekend, I have had much joy, from family, from you, from other friends, and yet, today, I have felt irritable, out of sorts, ill at ease with Mark..... I think it is one of those morphine withdrawal side effects I had not put a moniker to quite yet. Too much else has gone on. My attentions were directed elsewhere, like "you want me to do what with this compazine?" I guess, this rightfully belongs on my thread as today's report, so I will just duplicate it there, but, yeah, I get it, meds, neurontin, et al, can be a real downer when they are also what keep us from doing damage to ourselves during those high pain moments.

I get it. Rae, Tara, and others, yeah, talking it out with the support of those who have walked in darkness makes so much sense, and being here to share and hold one another up in community.... that is what this place is all about.... all about.

THANK YOU,
Mark56..... well a year older now.

[smae]

I have definitely been there... in that dark and lonely place. I've been through major depression, suicidal thoughts and attempts (more than I'd like to admit/remember), and years of self-injury.

I am not at that place now.. but it certainly doesn't mean I haven't been there or never notice myself slipping back into that spot.. I just have been able to ward it off pretty well for the last few years. Even though I am generally happy (not saying that people who struggle with depression can't be happy, but I sure wasn't when I was struggling), I still have bad days where it would be very easy for me to go down that slippery slope.

I just had a big realization today... so much has happened this weekend. Our basement flooded twice, my mom and I were both sick, my computer totally crashed, my mom and I fought, my brother got in a car accident, I had some symptoms that felt like a very serious medical problem--was sure it was going to kill me, etc. etc. etc. It was a bad weekend and every time we turned around, one more bad thing happened.

I have been irritable and weepy... and while I've always been an emotional person, this weekend, I have just felt like an emotional wreck. It doesn't feel like depression--I don't feel hopeless or incredibly sad. But man, I can usually keep things under control, and this weekend I have felt that everything was totally out of control. It wasn't until I was searching for an answer on something (whether or not to get a flu shot while on steroids) that I made the connection--the pharmacist said that these steroids would most likely cause mood changes. DUH! I feel a bit better knowing that it is a side effect of the medicine... though my doctor plans to keep me on this long term, so somehow, I am going to have to learn to deal with all of these low points in my mood. No idea how... but I have to try.

I am always here to talk to or pray for you guys in the bad times (as well as the good). As I said, just because right now I am not struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, I have been there--for years on end. I love you guys, and will always do what I can to lend an ear or a supportive hug. Please feel free to talk to me (any of you) if you need someone to talk to. I would be honored to stick by your side in a time of need.

[Mark56]

For your openness, for sharing, for caring, for reaching out even though this weekend has been VERY DIFFICULT at best for you. You are a trooper who is helping so much in your very offer of support.

Just
Mark56

Originally Posted by Sarah Mae

I have definitely been there... in that dark and lonely place. I've been through major depression, suicidal thoughts and attempts (more than I'd like to admit/remember), and years of self-injury.

I am not at that place now.. but it certainly doesn't mean I haven't been there or never notice myself slipping back into that spot.. I just have been able to ward it off pretty well for the last few years. Even though I am generally happy (not saying that people who struggle with depression can't be happy, but I sure wasn't when I was struggling), I still have bad days where it would be very easy for me to go down that slippery slope.

I just had a big realization today... so much has happened this weekend. Our basement flooded twice, my mom and I were both sick, my computer totally crashed, my mom and I fought, my brother got in a car accident, I had some symptoms that felt like a very serious medical problem--was sure it was going to kill me, etc. etc. etc. It was a bad weekend and every time we turned around, one more bad thing happened.

I have been irritable and weepy... and while I've always been an emotional person, this weekend, I have just felt like an emotional wreck. It doesn't feel like depression--I don't feel hopeless or incredibly sad. But man, I can usually keep things under control, and this weekend I have felt that everything was totally out of control. It wasn't until I was searching for an answer on something (whether or not to get a flu shot while on steroids) that I made the connection--the pharmacist said that these steroids would most likely cause mood changes. DUH! I feel a bit better knowing that it is a side effect of the medicine... though my doctor plans to keep me on this long term, so somehow, I am going to have to learn to deal with all of these low points in my mood. No idea how... but I have to try.

I am always here to talk to or pray for you guys in the bad times (as well as the good). As I said, just because right now I am not struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, I have been there--for years on end. I love you guys, and will always do what I can to lend an ear or a supportive hug. Please feel free to talk to me (any of you) if you need someone to talk to. I would be honored to stick by your side in a time of need.