sick and tired

so he sees me

now as he knows my
oncologist

he sees it
and blankin tells me
there is a name for
it you can look it up
and i can look it up
if i want
literally down loads me
pictures

diagnosis
double bubble

and he sees it two years later
granted he hugged me after leaving
but it was not my blankin imagination

double bubble
he says, now
its the same as it was two years
ago
but because another doctor
said something about it
and knows my oncologist
they play racket ball together
just blows my blankin mind
so
he spits out
an explanation sheet
and as he explained all that needs
to be done as he was the
last one to close me up
after all of my surgeries
never again
so now what
i would have liked to have been
acknowledge then not now
because if i let him put me out
i would have them taken out
i control my body
how dare he when i first brought
it to his attention two years ago
calls his partner in
and at the OPEN
doorway says
"look at how great they are"
mortified

anyhoo
told him to say hello
to his wife
as she was the one to initially
take my first call
i did not know this
and told her how what i did
was a hiccup in the road

now tomorrow
dermatologist

Friday pain specialist

so what to do
what to do
i'm not waiting
i need to rule out
my new diagnosis

oh people

it's all about winning
their ego
their sight lost
me
the
patient

as angry as i am at my children
they all know i cannot do things as i did
and if they don't know me by now
they will never know me
to tell my daughter
do as the judge said
i am doing what i can for my
granddaughter and mother thinks i
should have to do things alone
no no no
she doesn't want to understand this
as my other older children
i just learned from my eldest child
she would let Eva go up for adoption
heaven forbid my children should help
anyway they can
i am mortified utterly mortified
i want to vomit it hurts so badly
my daughter Corissa in a bad way
oh let me kick her to the curb
oh my God
i never knew she felt like that
i am so sad so sad
what do i do with this where do i put this
how do i process this
she just would give her up
just like that never going to happen

never going to happen
i cannot allow anyone to
step on me
i feel so alone in this matter
oh how horrible i feel
let it pass please let it pass
no one no one
alone
Brother carry me
i need to have stability
in one way or the other

i turned to Saraeve for comfort
after mom took a hissy fit
reminding her of the perks she
has received others may look
at is as enabling
this i won't allow
as the moment her mother steps foot
into this home she is to take over 100 and 10%
my granddaughter is helpless too
what does she know
one thing for she knows this as home
a safe place her auntie Corissa will
be here to help pick up some of the pieces
maybe help her understand the responsibility
now that she will be reduced to a GED
this a gifted child in a school for her talents
above her expectancy
until i became ill her father an donkeys butt
made her life even more confusing
and now he sees the real truth
and apologized
it meant nothing
to late
i had to take the bull by the horns
no regrets none i will do this
it is going to be hard
but i will do it
i want to punch something
it hurts so badly
i had no clue
my daughter felt that way
it hit me like a bomb
i blown away
can't say anymore

What a punch in the gut!!

all along you have been trying to hold it together so they could reunite...had you known you could have done differently!!

Well now you do know...better that you do know the truth....you will get past this.

hanna

love you for that
it hurts so bad
me

Oh Eva, your cries are heartbreaking. This has shaken you to center of your soul. I'm so sorry for the heartache this is causing you and God Bless you for making the stand you've made. Someone has to be the strength in your family and you are it. Your strength comes from the Almighty God Above.
You are an incredible woman and I hope you know that
Rae

so i take from my cash policy
get all kinds of lip about it
i was asked for the help
give it to my daughter
husband just started getting paid
and forgets what has been owed
separate from that a policy lapsed
always a misunderstanding
and i asked for a note
he and she never had a
note to produce when monies were
given and misunderstanding came
bam screwed again
i have got to learn how to say NO
my own fault
me

it never ends
every time i think
they get it i get hit
with childish threatening
vulgar nonsense
its going to going to kill
me before anything else
monday was court and
Corissa tries to wake her sister
behaves like a animal as as it
took an hour for her to finally get up
and it was not good
i just told her to shut up
and get ready
Corissa and Eva and i were ready
AND Eva was fed breakfast by ME
told mother my daughter not a word
to me
Judge tells her
grandmother (me) has custody
now i didn't forget about how she
treated me and my home monday
when she has a bug up her butt
she acts like nothing ever happened
i'm fuming
i have to supervise her when with baby
and she treats me like turd today
because i was specif about food shopping
she still did not do as i asked
and that was to use the phone and
call
as i was at yet at another doctor
and she did what she wanted to do
what wrong with this
i am still teaching Corissa to listen to the
instructions given
asked please do as i asked
again a huge fight

done done done done done done done
done done done done

this is to much unnecessary pain
make no mistake it hurts

me

i have over and over and over extend
any help i can give if for the right reasons

my daughter is not only disrespectful
but did not understand when she was here it is her job to take over

well this at first was mistaken that i did not want to be in my daughters company

here we go with assumptions

it was to have them bond in a way a mother and child could

but nooooo you come here start to manipulate everything as if i had become that unheard parent that doesn't know what she was talking about like i'm in a wheelchair

NOT YET
I AM HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD

to know give my all to two children
under age who need me for reasons
mentioned in the past

i have reached enough is enough
you blind narcissistic cruel attitude must be eliminated
i will not allow ANY OF MY CHILDREN TALK DOWN TO ME
no matter how many apologizes that the 48 hit them

well she really has no place
no joking very serious
she has begun to work
waitressing at a good local diner

the thing is when did i become invisible

never

this is not the first time
we have different views about responsible caring and loving parenting
the baby comes knocking on my door
asking "can i come in

what should i do

yesterday and today are her days off
already asked if she can come "home"

tough to do after what has been said and done

tomorrow she has work again 5 nights

don't know what to do

her priorities all screwed up

and i am stuck between head and heart

what to do

Baby daddy calls
Says mother can't stay
Came picked up uniform
No herself
All confused
Walks out
And
Gone
And how the **** do I fell
Like turd
It's my kid
Baby yells out bye
This really feels like ****
What the ****

I've sent you a PM.