When will it just stop
Will that be when my heart stops
No more blood for that body
The air I breath to fill my lungs need the oxygen
to enrich my blood
It is harder to push the air out then it is taking in
Weird
But that from smoking
I don't smoke
It was fifty rather than forty
I couldn't affor it even if I wanted
What a disgusting habit
Disgusting

My faith in my doctors and what the fudge is going on
with this bruising and not to know what's happening
is certainly not where I want to be
Have been doing homework

NOT very good things are said when I tell the computer
what's happening
Takes me to several places
I'm too tired
Going to try and shut my eyes and get some sleep
Will return
Me

Dear God
I had no choice but to call
Of course when my sister called
My other sister is clueless with her husband
Who has no intention to stop drinking or shooting up
This after a liver transplant
It is time already for my sister to pay me for the computer
I let her buy on my dell card
My bad
Now because of a fight over her not wanting to clean up her
act making close to a hundred thousand a year and wants to
stiff me
We had agreed in two installments
and because I will claim bankruptcy to use that money
to pay the lawyer
Can you blanking imagine
I want to rip her head off I'm so angry

My mother a physician induced addict
She started in her fifties
She is riddled with many problems
RA
LUPUS
KNEES OR HIP REPLACEMENT
SCREWED UP BACK ALSO
NO SURGERIES
ARTIAL FIBRILLATION
ROASA (spelling)
CIRCULATION
just to name a few
The thing I was told
In the morning her ex-husband told my youngest sister
she was falling asleep in her breakfast plate

Later in the day she did not want her live in ex to drive her
and a friend to therapy
Well she ran a stop sign
Was T'ed on passenger side
Nobody killed
Car totaled (who cares this a woman who changes her cars
like her underwear)
Not for the reason I just expressed
She i hope will not get another car
Her ex was there on the scene ASAP
They were taking the three to the hospital
He met her there
The police officer asked her if she was under any influences
I am glad she did not lie something she does alot of
Denial
She said she took a Percocet
The elderly officer let her off with a ticket
Two points
And told her
"You should not be on the road when on them kind
of meds"

I called
She did not answer
I asked and reminded her
I understand she needs her Meds
But it's time to give up the driving
you could kill yourself or someone else for that matter
I told her I call out of concern
Even though we no longer have any kind of relationship
Since 1996

I have to love her
For she knows not what she is doing
And left it at that
Told my children

I'm so angry
Me

With my daughter in a rehab once again
It is a vicious cycle
A vicious cunning work of evil doings
It strips one of themselves forever
The cells forever fried from the use of the drugs
It has taken a turn for the worse
She now added herion to her list
"It's only been two weeks"
As if two seconds were okay
What is it that needs to happen for her to
GET IT
I know what I speak of
I know when my bottom was
Though I was never ordered to ever go
to a recovery program
I walked in one Sunday morning
after now memory of three consecutive days
and I thaught to myself
What if something tragic would have happened
to my children
I was so frightened to the thought of them hurt
And in hind sight that is exactly what happened when I lost myself in a bottle
That feeling of numbness I could always count on
I could ALWAYS count on "it"
Oh how sorry I was to have become a drunk
A DRUNK
I wallowed in my own crap
It was a tough life alright
And ALCOHOL MADE IT HARDER
sobering up was no fun either

To now watch my children suffer with addiction
When they were early teenagers I entered the rooms
I was taught how to do it one day at a time
It did not happen right away
My child is suffering getting sober
She was taken to a mental hospital by my boy
It is a place of relapsed suffering people
Now I know never to give up on one
But I can't make her drink the water
What the blank does she have to LOOSE
for her to get it is the hard part to watch
I watch her pain of being addicted
And to think
"Oh, it was only a two week run"
What else
What else
So much has gone on in the last three weeks
And in the end things got done
But not WITHOUT A FIGHT
Everyday a fight
Every single day a fight
Unsettled lost she feels she just can't do "it"
It is now we need to once again lift her
and pray she is on the wagon for an even longer ride
Meetings ARE my saving GRACE TO BE AMOUNG persons who were exactly where I was
I know where my daughter is mentally physically and most importantly spiritually
I am certain she has hard facts she must face
things like her daughter and why they aren't together
What she does not understand yet
She is waiting
As I am
Patiently
But
I don't have to explain the pain
and sorrow of watching it
She was able to call her brother
This is a good thing
She called
And disclosed
Me

desk
as of yesterday
i called the office
there are fifteen pages of results i want for not only my file
but i want to educate myself wherever i can
and be ready to talk about what next
what is causing the additional problems me feet and hands
are doing
my child watching this incredible activity that was happening before our very own eyes
it was creepy
watching and incredibly catching it on camera

but this is now two months and i still do not have them
what's wrong with the hospitals
they ask me
"is there anyone else you would like us to send results too?"
and then i give the information
they take the information and you are going to have two doctors and my copy as per request
and zero
zero gets done

am i nuts
is it me
i just finished a letter that went out to the "deputy director"
better yet
i'll get my kid to get it up here
read it off to my shrink for feedback
he just chuckles
what he does not understand the hardship just one person can cause
and i am to be cool calm collected as one could be punished by their wrath "just for turds and giggles"
all just for turds and giggles because i did not receive recertification letter in mail

Dear kind Sir, “Bobby”

Hope this note finds you well. Thank you for all your help throughout the years, as I needed your assistance. The continued mishandling of my case saddens me. As I have to call upon you once again. Once a resident of Union City for forty six years, I now reside in North Bergen for the last five. As my career with the city of Union City came to an abrupt end as I became ill at the prime of my life forty nine. Eight years of service gone as of April 22, 2015 , having had two failed neck surgeries and a double mastectomy hoping to eradicate my disease. I, now, broken am a permanent recipient of SSD, my health continues to fail as no more can be done but i have faith in God and miracles. It was comforting that you remembered who I was and took the time to call me back, so to say I needed your help again as many things haven't changed such as, how a worker may answer the phone in a demeaning matter is unacceptable, and that's if they choose to pick up the phone when it rings over three hundred rings. Upon our conversation just before the holidays you assured Ms. Sandra Abreu would call, she did, and listened to my complaints about this said specific worker, Ivonne or Ivan ( never got his proper spelling) of the (Banking Unit) was rude, unprofessional, inept and, continued to misinform me of my SNAP case as it was closed without warning. I submitted proof of complaint via text to Ms. Sandra Abreus phone, visual and audio proof of the laxed behavior that still exists in the agency. Sandra said a meeting would take place with said proof, I yet to hear from her and yet to receive my SNAP approval notification. The incompetency in still on so many levels and is more than anyone should have to stand for. This is for all the people who are provided numbers to call so they can be informed of one's status yet, how can that happen when no one picks up the phone. thank you for your attention to this disturbing unfortunate aggravation that could have been avoided, be well once again.




______________________________

Eva


CC: Angelica H. Harrison
Human Resources


whywe are having problems with our mail being delivered correctly operative word we
i will have kind people hold it and bring it to my apartment
i am now talking about three separate issues
the thing is they all have a common denominator inept persons
who do not do their JOBS
something
what no one understands
that to get to the bottom of answers
very important matters just not acceptable

when i worked
any and all i did
whatever position
i did to the best of my ability
what the duck
that's all that comes out of their mouth
quack quack quack
i'm sick of it
just sick of it already
is it not fair
or am i just that unlucky

so yesterday Monica another girl in the office
said it needed additional stamps
that's fine
except it was last week i spoke with Crystal
a week now
am i nuts

my shrink not understanding
that in the end after the phone issue the misdialing from the
food stamp department from this specific worker was God at his best

when i ans Corissa started recording the conversation
i said to my daughter
"this is God putting me to work"
as the letter clearly gave me a number for us persons who need additional help
i have NO job
NO JOB

NOW
i want to know what the is going on with my body
i KNOW my body
nobody will tell me a differently

jeez i so beside myself

Dear eva,

Remain calm in the face of adversity and incompetence. This 'type' go home to their sad, unfulfilled lives at the end of every day, never achieving anything, never knowing the satisfaction of, or pride in, a job well done. They will always be mundane drones. And no-one pity when they bemoan a thankless task - personal pride and self improvement in any career brings recognition and reward.

I hope everything is resolved with haste.

Dave.

Father it's like some other being occupies this body
Where do I go
What happened to me
Why do I have to suffer I more than just one kind of pain
Why don't I have any control over my body
It does what it wants
It pinches
It burns
It cracks
It weak
It has muscles that just deflated
It is throbbing
It won't leave me be
Every bloody morning
Just stops by to start your day
Satan I rebuke any evil you come to bring false hope
and instead inflict any horrible thought imaginable
Everything happening with cause and effect
I just want to be the Eva that got up and kicked butt in my day
It felt good to retire form the hectic day

I have to get my granddaughter set up to begin school

I want us at the pool this summer as much as possible

I want to move like I used to

I had my own swag

All knew it was Eva

That seemed so long ago

Where are You Father

Come into my heart caress my soul
It cries blood
The life leaving my body slowly everyday
I rot a little more each day
My wish to jump out of bed and just run run run
My feet just not happening
My hand just not holding on
I slip away slowly and nobody sees
I'm gone
Lend me a hand Father
Hold me in your arms
Breath life into me
In Jesus name
Amen

my blood work reveals

MTHFR, DNA MUTATION

positive for two copies of the A1298C variant

i will post
to make it easier for me to express my * ANGER
please note
i have written about my found
POSITIVE ACTIVE THYROGLOSSAL DUCT CYST
not a secret to my doctors
AS MY DISCECTOMY NEEDED CLEARANCE FOR NEUROSURGEON TO BE ABLE TO PERFORM
WHAT HE WAS GOING TO DO WITH ME

and because i know my body
and educating myself
as the pieces of the puzzle
IN REGARDS TO MY DEEP DEPRESSION
COULD AND I BELIEVE IS A DIRECT RESULT TO MANY OF MY MENTAL AND SOME PHYSICAL PROBLEMS HAVING THIS CYST

this mutation was delerived via genes

i am depleted of some very important nutrients and some very important understanding how i beleive "it" is one of the very few reasons for this depression
it's all interconnected

neither of these doctors look at my file and see
i have a cyst that is a

DIRECT RESULT OF THE MUTATION

i went to my pain specialist and he then say
eva
i recommended a hematologist
of which my oncologist is
he too reputable in his field and among his peers
did NOT pick up that i have an active cyst that i believe took away my ability to wear my soft collars
very sad when that began to happen

i knew i was on to something
and there are some changes that could
aleve my symptoms

it explains the culprits when having this mutation
coffee
stress
chemotherapy drugs
potatoes
and so much more as i continue to do my homework

how my body has red flag items what my body is processing or is not processing

but why is it that these so called experts Cannot LOOK and SEE the POSSIBLE
(I BELIEVE FOR CERTAIN) CONNECTION

I AM FURIOUS
AND THRILLED AT THE SAME TIME

DOES ANYBODY GET IT
WHERE DO I PUT THIS

me

Part one of three

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