something sparked
 

my boss
the Mayor called
taking care of what was
done
reaching out to chief of police
awaiting call
chief of police called
director only sent word to him
today
yesterday she took personal day
now i still must go to court
will make it be that we be heard
first thing
and that both meter persons
be there
assured he would do whatever he could
to make it go smooth
HE CALLED

Another painful night
 

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

This is another painful night/morning
Up a 4:00 with pain
On the bowl for a half hour
feeling sick
and have a day with two of my doctors
My shrink and pain Doc
There is to much
This heart heavy
This body awake in throbbing pain
Joints a big problem from my fingers to my toes
everything inbetween any and all joints
Just throb
Have at least an hour and half before I take my Meds
I believe my tolerance may have been reached
I will be talking to my Doc about it
Father
No more Meds please I beg
No more Meds
Let this be the only thing I ask
Heal me from my pain and sorrow
You have my undivided attention
I am your child
Help me I need you
Me

Father
 

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

As my worse fear once again
A reality
I have now begun for the first time since
My regimen was as follows

Morning no earlier than 7:00 A.M.
2 30mg
1 1mg Xanax
1 4mg zanaflex
1 20mg tamoxifen (for cancer)

Afternoon no later than 2:00 P.M.
2 5mg oxcycodone
2 4mg zanaflex
1 1mg Xanax

Evening no later than 7:00 P.M.
1 4mg zanaflex
1 30mg ocxycotin

And it is never ever abused

I also smoke a plant we are trying to pass
To help with my pins and needles most importantly
the nausea something that hurts terribley with all the
strain on my neck surgery
The plate and screws are felt
more than I would like
And I do understand they are foreign objects
They hurt at times
My back area is just a big fat mess
It hurts to the touch

This my friends are mostly about the mechanical
problems

The throbbing in joints unbearable
Wakens me to have no relief and pray
The throb stops
Some times I feel the throb like right now
fade or skip a few beats
And when that happens
My brain begs it has stopped
And then it starts
I want to scream
No working it out

Father my spirit is damaged
I know my outcome is not something
that will never get any better
And this summer is also another
indication to how the body has progressed
It has not in any way
Unfortunately my case is in my family
And until a person suffers pain 24/7
you are not qualified
they should be counting
Ones lucky stars

So now my worse fear

I will now add ONE MORE 30mg OxyContin
at my night time schedule

I pray and believe it will do the job

So reluctantly I will move forward
As there is no return

Father I pray you one day lift this pain
And heal me

Heal me sweet Father
Heal this broken heart

Watch over my struggling
family
Keep them safe from EVIL
IN JESUS NAME
I BELIEVE
AMEN!

Dear Eva
 

Oh I do hope (and pray) that you can get rested.

Take the damn pill and bless it!
You must sleep to manage and think.
You must break the pain when possible as prolonged pain will just fry your brain.

I know you worry about addiction....the body just builds up a tolerance.
No judgement...it just is....you take them for pain not for the high (as if).
If you had to increase a med for say like blood pressure...you would just understand that the body needs more of the supplement to manage the ailment.

Fear feeds worry to itself and produces the fear.....bless the meds...bless the water...bless your sleep.

Dear Eva...know you are in the hands of God and all is as it is supposed to be ...
Right now....right here....rest...


I very much understand....a long time friend calls me addicted...her looking down on me for being DEPENDENT on a drug has put a real krink in the friendship.

Send a PM if you need to let loose.
Holding you in Loving Light
HB

and you are right
i will do just that
like always awesome
much love
i can take what was said
you are sooo right
blank those who judge
as a recovering addict
it is a good kick in the gut
thank you friend
and God bless You
me

:hug::hug:I love you and it hurts my heart that you are in pain.

And you are reasons why I stay
It comes from a loving place
Much love in return
You understand what happens
when the pain takes control
Not nice
Love
Me

Lifting you, my dear Friend in Prayer
 

Prayer is what I bring to offer for you
Love fuels it into emergence from within my soul
to find ways before the Lord
who knows you have needs
which only may fully be addressed by His gentle touch
thus I pray
and pray
and more
it is hard for you
yet, I am buoyed each time I read
the claim you assert of blessings
which are in you
around you
flowing over you
may you know each moment of each day
I am one who lifts you in prayer
my
dear
friend,
Mark56 :hug:

Had a awakening
 

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

Thank you for another day


My blessings are something I promised myself I would always write once a day here
When I started this commitment I had no clue it would be morphed in so many cycles
Making it the place I pray

Today I pray we all have enough strength for the day
For some worse than others
This person has only her experience strength and hope to share with like minded people
As I want to feel the love of my Father
He is the one we all strive to be
It is my wish we could understand how all the money in the world could take what I go through on a daily basis
My job is still to be a caretaker to my precious grandchild and my babygirl Corissa.

Yesterday was the pits with all the evil drama
Babies father and mother

Tomorrow who why even go there

I have today to do the right thing

My blessings will come in many forms
All I need is peace in my life
just tired of it all


So for the rest of the world
I wish peace in your life
Be mindful to others
Me

making the best of it
 

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

thank you for another day

it is a beautiful sunrise
Father fill my Spirit with the
Joy of Loving You
may it come through to all i meet
today
my heart is heavy
and that be my Cross
the pain to bare of my own
life
Mother
i have children who look too me
give me the strength to have a
good time with my family at the pool today
we only have each other to call family
they too grow up with such self inflicting problems
make them stronger
it is one day at a time
like anything else
we must be happy
i Father have been void
of happiness and peace
the will to go on has become great
i turn to you for solace
Father Almighty
give me strength to want to go on
this body feels so old and worn
i was the glue that kept the family
together
Father may my Love of human
be ever so strong
Life is so unfair
this i know to be true
you have carried me most my years
i ask you more than ever
let me Love
let me spread your Love
carry me you do
no way would someone believe
all the wrongs that were done to me
only you know the truth
pain pain go away
come back another day
i have had many difficult nights
my days even harder
and i push and i push
in the end
all i look for is peace
not much life left in this achy
body
until till i run out
let my pain be replaced
with you Holy Love
as i am your child
who is looking to her Father
for guidance
Bless us your Love
Amen